To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

Cucumbers too, absolutely awful stench

Should I be impressed, or terrified ?

😲😂🤷🏾‍♀️🏆.

When I was fairly young, I lived in a multi residential property with a large communal garden. However, one resident was a massive bully and physically threatening. He had turned everything into lawn, despite pleas to have some flower beds and vegetable patches, plus a space to sit for everyone. He threatened anyone who wanted to actually sit outside and hiked our communal water bill with constantly watering the lawn, even during hosepipe bans. Since I felt unable to directly confront him, I started to pee on the lawn each night several times and reserved the most concentrated piddle very early in the morning for the place outside his flat. I also enlisted a couple of lovely neighbours with female dogs to help ‘water’ the garden. Yellow burnt patches started appearing. One night, another resident caught me and realised what I was doing. He laughed and then also started sprinkling the lawn. An underground resistance formed. After a while of this grassroots movement, most of the lawn started getting very damaged. The tenant’s association complained to the property management who came out to inspect the place and seeing the state of it, decreed it wasn’t kept properly, unsightly and then enforced new use of the communal garden with a large terrace, wildflower section, as well as allocating vegetable patches with no mono culture lawn allowed. We also had a small biotope pond. Someone suggested getting one of those water sprinkling sculptures, when one tenant proposed a little Mannekin Pis figures, all round hilarity ensured.

Lots of good ideas. I would leave the weirdest looking doll I could find in terrible condition with his name on it.

But the thing people seem to get the absolute maddest about is when the ex or whoever did them wrong goes off and lives a nice life without seeming to give them a first thought ever again, much less a second. So I'm going to say Live long and prosper is peak revenge.

Tenant who removed the bath panel, placed a human poo in the void and put the bath panel back on.

This may be an urban myth, but I read of somebody ringing the speaking clock in New York, leaving the phone off the hook before quitting the house.

There was a famous story years ago - probably apocryphal, but still funny - about a DJ on Kerrang Radio flirting with Jodie Marsh on air and saying he’d leave his wife and kids for her. His wife promptly put his £25k Lotus ESpirit on eBay for 50p. It sold within minutes.

As a teen i had a short term boyfriend who's family thought they were more than they really were.

His mother made a snotty comment about my now late Mum.

They lived in a large semi and two bedrooms were mainly unused and all had a landline phone in them.

When they went on holiday and left my then boyfriend at home he didnt want to go with them. I called round then said i needed the loo.

I went into one of the bedrooms that wasnt used much picked the phone up and dialled the talking clock but left it off the hook.

I went downstairs and told him i had to be up early next day and went. The next day i told him i didnt want to see him again.

About two months later i bumped into him in Tesco he stormed over to me and my Mum and said to me it was you wasnt it you stupid evil cow?. I said dead innocently what you going on about. He said you know it cost my mum and dad a few grand. He was red in the face.

Oh boy i still laugh about it.

I did that years ago here in the uk.

It bloody well worked.
I got my idea from a episode of only fools and horses as a kid. If it was good enough for Pauline Harris it was for me.

When I go pets at home I always think about buying lots of boxes those live crickets and worms and letting them lose in a situation like this.

This is clever!

Chop some fresh liver and throw it behind the fridge. When THAT starts to rot...

By the way - I love you all revengeful lot. So many nice ideas.

My ex was a piece of shit living hell and his mother and sister hated me for no reason he left me for someone younger because i was ugly and fat.
With in 6 months of him leaving i slept with his brother his best friend and his brother inlaw.
NO REGRETS.

Wasn't that Tim Shaw, now of Car SOS fame?! I remember hearing about that!

Buy a load of blank door keys on eBay along with some key tags. Write his phone number on the key tags and attach to key and scatter across every bar, cafe and shop in his city. His phone will be ringing off the hook with people saying they’ve found his key!

I discovered I was the OW so dumped him then told him I appeared to have a STI, and he really needed to get himself checked.

how they check men for STIs is not pleasant.

wanker.

My sister found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. This was in the days before mobile phones.

He was in the army at the time so she rang his base, ended up speaking to his CO and explaining that she had had STI tests, he was refusing to speak to her and she had something that she could only have got from him, so he needed to be tested.

He ended up with all the tests, and it being the army was round the base in record time. Apparently his nickname was Clap Carl until the day he left!

There was a gang of builders converting the semi next to my friends into flats.
These 'men' were absolutely vile, radio on full blast, swearing af the top of their voices and discussing their sex lives in graphic detail. Cat calling the young girls on their way to the comp, my friend couldn't let her dcs's play in the garden, it was a nightmare.
The house they were working on had an old outside toilet that the builders would use, so late at night when it was quiet she would sneak next door and very, very carefully dust the toilet door handle and the pull chain handle with itching powder😬

Was it the multi storey car park on Thomas Street?. The one that has the old brown tiles that the arndale center had on.

If so ha ha you need a second mortgage to park there for a week.

Yep nothing devalues a property more.

Put a plastic skeleton in a rocking chair with a wig on ala Norma Bates lol.

The sponsor a pot bellied pig lol.

When i still lived at home a neighbours ex cheated on her with a probationer on the late shift.

She kicked him out then did the pig thing.
Guess what he did for a living?.

Write CUNT on the lawn in weedkiller.

Buy a big firework do not light it i repeat do not light it.

Write next time you will be a goner and so will your house flat etc on a piece of paper wrap the paper round the firework ideally a big rocket one sellotape it and put it through their letterbox.
It will worry them sick.
BTW put latex gloves on and get someone else to write on the paper dont leave your dabs or your own hand writing in case law enforcement get called.

Blimey i would hate to upset you.