To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

Plant Japanese knotweed in the garden .

I'd go for a large number of very petty irritations. The sort of thing that can't really be traced to you and just one thing would seem like 'just one of those things' but when little annoying things happen they might start to wonder why. But if they voice this they will seem crazy.

Some brilliant ideas above (love the removal of a small coffee machine part, and leaving 'lost' keys). A few more would be

• lock windows. leave a small key that looks like it is probably the window lock key, but take the actual key with you.
• loosen a few screws on any fixtures and fittings that are being left so that over time they fall out and shelves fall off etc
• sign your ex up to as many mailing lists/phone lists as you can. Signing up for competition websites is a great way to get the number/e-mail address shared far and wide
• if your ex has left any of his belongings behind, remove small items that he won't notice for ages but will really miss, and won't be entirely sure if he actually left them.

I've always thought posting someones phone number on a creepy chat room pretending to be an '18 year old blonde looking for fun' would be great revenge. Haven't done it...yet

Well it wasn't deliberate but I certainly wasn't worried or disappointed by it.

I am freelance and in Nov 2021 ended up working on a conference for 4 days (Tues-Fri) with this woman who made the 4 days utterly miserable. I have never had this before - usually the people I am put to work with are brilliant. Anyway the nature of our work means spending most of the day in a 1 meter square cabin. I developed the most horrendous flu bug, coughing like a 40 a day smoker, snotty, fevery etc. I had to dig deep and get through the conference, with all her moaning and nit picking and I just thought, well there is no way she hasn't contracted it after sitting literally millimetres from me for 4 days - and she will have it right over the weekend! mwah ha ha ha ha

Dog shit under the car door handle 💩

Isn't that illegal?

Well there are websites our there offering the service with a variety of animals to choose from.

When I knew my ex was cheating and the day before he left, I shortened all his work trousers and suit sleeves. I cut off about 1.5" then hemmed them back neatly, pressed them and left them hanging in the wardrobe.
I took a day off work to do it (I hate sewing & mending so got some help from a seamstress I knew) then took a holiday the next day as well.
I got great satisfaction to see him packing all these clothes in a suitcase and load his car up. 😊

This is amazing advice 😆

Prawns or bits of mackerel in the curtain poles.

this is incredible, and I may be in love with you

Cursing Mumsnet this morning for removing the laughing reaction — absolutely loving these posts. Petty, long-term and irritating is my particular brand of revenge, and there are so many amazing ideas on here.

Not that any will be enacted, of course.

Prawns inside the curtain poles, or tuna behind the kitchen cupboards, underneath the bath. Pin holes in the silicon in the bathroom so water can penetrate and it will go black.

Or if you are feeling particularly wicked go to an exotic pet store, buy a large spider and set it free in the house as you leave (nothing venomous). Or crickets.

@Imbluedalale

“Sponsor a pig in his name and name it after him . He’ll get 3 monthly updates on how the pig is doing”

I’m wheeze laughing at this one, it’s beyond genius. 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

The problem is, both my ex and the buyer are of a particular ethnicity and religion that means I'd get done for a hate crime!

On a side note, I love pigs - I'd be quite chuffed to have one named after me 😂

Take the lightbulb out of the loft light. Put a life-size cardboard cutout of someone in the loft, so when they go up there and look around with their torch they'll get the fright of their life. Nothing like heart-pounding terror as revenge.

This is MAGNIFICENT 😂

I wish I had been a fly on the wall when he got dressed the next morning and was baffled as to how his suits could have shrunk !

I wonder what OW thought when he was wearing his trousers at "half-mast" ?

I've just given myself a coughing fit from laughing so hard at this thread 😂
Loving ALL of your work!

Sharpie FUCK OFF YOU PAIR OF GIANT ARSEHOLES behind the headboard so they find it on moving day

If there's one thing I fucking love about the posts on this thread, it's the ingenuity and determination of women. The sheer genius and effort that have gone into some of these ideas is fabulous.

The pig one is my absolute favourite, shame (although totally reasonable) that you can't use it. What about a donkey instead?

Sign up to as many companies that send junk in the mail as possible under the name of current occupier

Another thought- get an Alexa and hide it in the bedroom and set it so that it starts whispering at random times during the night

Golden - I’m saving this just in case 😂