To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

Send an anonymous bag of dicks in the mail. Just google bag of dicks sent in mail 🤣🤣 or glitter filled cards is another brilliant one.

'a nod to the original gaslighting'

👊

Take the microwave plate with you (the one that spins).

I was also going to say this! Where did we get this from?!

Love this! 😂 🔑

Prise off a kickboard under the kitchen units and put a potato or two under there.

Or you could do something nice, such as leaving some toilet roll for the new pirchaser - with his face printed on it.

Sign his email up to junk mail especially penis enlargement, hair regrowth for bald men, incontinence pads. Advertise his watch or Lego collection cheaply cash on collection. Spray paint the word paedophile on his car. Even when he gets it repainted the neighbours will always wonder. Steal his passport and he won't know it's missing until he looks for it to go on holiday and hopefully won't have time to get a replacement. Put a little sugar in his petrol tank.

My exh had interflora on repeat for my birthdays, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Wedding Anniversary, Xmas and anniversary of our engagement. They sent me wonderful bouquets on each of these dates and he paid by pre signed direct debit. After we split I didn't tell him I was still getting flowers. He paid to send me these flowers for almost 18 months and was fuming when he finally realised.

Double glazing companies, cavity wall insulation, new WiFi contracts, all the annoying spammers who will never ever take you off their contact list.

Sprinkle packets and packets of stinging nettle seeds in the garden

Does the house have carpets are hard flooring? If carpets get yourself some cress seeds and pour them all over. Cress grows and doesn’t need watering, they’ll be a lovely bed a cress growing all over the carpets in no time, prawns stuffed behind radiators

Loosen the hinges slightly on all doors including kitchen cabinets.

Buy a clock with a call to prayer alarm, set it to 2am and hide it somewhere in the house ( they are very loud).

If you have time get some tester pots and paint all the radiators in rainbow stripes, it will be a nightmare to repaint them.

Freeze a shit (human, cat or dog - your choice) and when it’s hard use a small grater to grate it all over the house. Carpets, between floorboards etc. (Not my own idea of revenge, I read it somewhere else)

Put a poo in the toilet cistern. Every time he flushes he’ll get dirty poo water coming down and he’ll have to fish for it to clean it out.

You've done at least one of these before haven't you? 🤣

These are the perfect type of revenge.

These are excellent! Following in case the perfect one for a terrible colleague pops up.
MN at its finest.

When I left dickhead ex, I cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush, and switched the batteries (so the '+' side was on the '-') around on all the remotes etc so nothing worked.
A while ago, my awful bullying boss who made mine and my colleagues lives hell got his ph number written on every cash bill I had (used to do cash jobs and this was when all places accepted cash). He had a name that could be shortened (like Nicholas - Nick) and hated being called 'Nick' and used to go apeshit if anyone called him that ('My name is Nicholas, do not call me Nick !') so I made sure I wrote 'Nick' and his number on every bill I paid with.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=O7_YuBHoNdg

You can actually order animal poo to be delivered anonymously online.

Remove the fuse in any appliance plugs that you can and then super glue it back together so it can't be opened.

If they have a nice lawn, sprinkle seeds on it to spell out something.

Cover their garden in instant mash powder before it's due to rain.

Take all the door handles off or just loosen the screws so they are balanced on but will fall off as soon as they are touched (on the inside of a room).

Spray a sugar syrup mixture along the edges of any external walls inside to encourage ants to try and get in.

If they have an Alexa or any smart speakers make sure you stay connected to it and randomly blast music out in the middle of the night.

Change the netflix password.

Sign them up to mailing lists for things so they get hounded with calls.

Create a profile on grnder with his email address and phone number

My friend found out her husband was having an affair and that the fancy coffee machine he loved had actually been bought by the OW as a gift for him. She removed and hid a small but vital part of the machine rendering it useless but she had plausible deniability and the added bonus of watching him look for it 😂.

I've read this one on here before and thought it was brilliant.

You need a bag of cheap frozen sausages. Just before you leave hammer them into the ground in the garden. As they defrost the scent will attract animals and they'll dig the garden up looking for the sausages.

Meanwhile you're miles away enjoying your revenge and doing the "mwa ha hah" villain laugh

This has killed me 😄