To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

You legend.
This made me proper laugh out loud!!

Genius!

Could we not use the ones where insects or any creatures are brought into houses - they've done nothing wrong. I don’t even like crickets etc but..

Not my idea but read on here about someone who filled a spray bottle with urine and sprayed their evil boss's coat with it when he was out of the room. Do that with anything that won't get washed or cleaned often - sofas, bed headboards etc

My favourite fantasy revenge for my horrible old boss was to post a tarantula through his letter box.

I don’t even know if he’s particularly scared of spiders!

Time Life used to be a good one! They hounded people for years! 🤣

If the OP has keys, might be "nice" to deliver them to the estate agent amongst the 200 random old keys, or seperate the actual house keys into singles and jumble amongst the other random ones.

I read once that someone put prawns in the hems of all the curtains. I had a friend who wanted take revenge on her bf cos he cheated on her then wet her bed while drunk, so we put hair removal cream in his fancy hair gel and taped his expensive designer scarf to the outside of the window in a raging storm.

These were not me but empty all the food out of the kitchen cupboards other than one tin of beans but don't leave a tin opener. Drive his car to an NCP place in a different town or airport parking garage. Friend drove he cheating husbands car to Manchester and left it there, cost him a fortune.

I was given the runaround by a buyer once and had planned a petty revenge of hiding an alarm clock in the house, set to go off at 4am every day.

The only place I could think to hide it though would have likely upset my neighbour, who I liked, so I didn't end up doing it.

It was a young couple buying the house and they were first time buyers, so I'd bought them a bottle of champagne and a card. Needless to say, they weren't left the card and I thoroughly enjoyed the bottle myself on my first night in my new home!

Oh, and other things I've heard lately.

If you're leaving behind a microwave, take the plate!

In terms of revenge I have taken, I sent a particularly arsehole neighbour a confetti bomb after they'd kept the entire neighbourhood awake until 4am with an obnoxiously loud party! It came with options to show once opened and I chose "you suck!" 😂

How about buying him some bull semen?
https://www.goodgifts.org/prize-bull-semen-1

I don’t know why but the caption on this has just sent me 😂

"To breed stronger, disease resistant cattle."

🤣

You have made my day, this is what I will do if husband ever cheats (not that i think he would) to remind him of all the time I have spent replacing the buttons on his coat or i could replace one button in each white shirt with a bright coloured one.

I screwed his best mate 😇

Leave some Nutella out as snacks.
invite some mice in.
Once they are in, the little bastards don’t want to leave.
This is personal experience, I wouldn’t wish it on any decent person, but on these offenders I’d pretty much invite a circus of mice, if this indeed exists.
And I’m not advocating bringing a dead one in, but if one happens to expire, put it behind a kick board in the kitchen.
I am still mentally scarred from what happened when I had one there, but you know, just for fantasy revenge purposes….

A mate of mine was the one that left. He wouldn’t have a real Christmas tree, they had a really expensive, huge, pre-lit thing she hated. It came in two parts.
She went in the loft, and took the top half.
She left in March as well so it would have taken months, but the visual of him trying to put it together was a joy for us all when she shared it with us.

holds hands up and admits that I filled my ex husbands favourite boots with a spicy african sauce called Shito. Brown oily stuff with a fish base that tastes better than it looks, but god does it make a mess.

This is genius!

Itching powder on the loo roll is probably my favourite!!

I was given the runaround by a buyer once and had planned a petty revenge of hiding an alarm clock in the house, set to go off at 4am every day.
@BumpyWinds
I did similar to this once to someone, but it wasn't revenge it was by accident.

We were staying in a holiday cottage abroad and, on our last day, had to get up VERY early to drive to the ferry terminal. This was in the days before smartphones so, to set an alarm for the morning, I used the digital alarm beside the bed. It was very loud when it woke us at 5am.

Unfortunately we were well on the way home before I remembered I had left it set to keep going off at that time. I felt sorry for the poor soul who would follow us in to that house and probably go to bed without noticing, maybe after a few glasses of wine, then be woken by that god awful racket at 5am

Argh, can’t find it now but love the poster suggesting an hidden Alexa, set to whisper during the night.

The urge for revenge is a normal human impulse, even so I think it's better to resist.

Not read thread yet but I suppose everyone has already suggested the obvious Oldie but a Goodie ones?

• sprinkling seeds all over the carpets then watering them
• sewing prawns into the curtains

Carrots smell worse 😁

@BonfireToffeeIf your married you are entitled to a share of the house

I chopped up a chicken breast into cubes and threw some of it behind the staff lockers in a bullying toxic workplace I was leaving . Apparently they got pest control in as they thought a rodent had died behind the lockers the smell was that bad 😂.