Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

Your husband is sending messages to random women. Fishing messages in the hope that someone will respond. He’s clearly up to no good.

He has most likely met this other woman in person. You know all you need to know.

He sounds like a creep, sorry OP. I'm not sure why you're not kicking off over this, especially as you seem to have an idea that he's like this anyway.

Well the thing is, on a day to day basis he doesn’t do anything that would suggest that he’s unfaithful. He doesn’t hide his phone or act suspicious at all. I sometimes wonder whether it’s more of an online thing? It’s really hard to tell with him.

Well, that’s why I want to message the woman and ask for what they’re referring to. Because I don’t want to start jumping to conclusions.

Kindly, It's not hard to tell OP, it's just not a nice thing to come to terms with.

Would you have that kind of activity on your phone & think it's perfectly normal?

So, he's messaged multiple women, met at least one of them, and wanted to meet her again.

I think that you know this is really inappropriate creepy/ cheating (if not physically already) behaviour

He's acting like he's single

Yes you’re right. No, I’d never be comfortable having that on my phone.

Well the thing is, I want to be sure that he’s actually met one of them. I’m not happy that he’s comfortable with messaging other women and it’s a really weird position to be in, knowing this information and he doesn’t know that I know.

I’m confused, you said the message literally said he wanted to see her AGAIN? Therefore, yes, you do know for sure he has met her. You don’t say “again” if you’ve never met.

Honestly I always say at the point you’re checking the phone, your relationship is over. You don’t need proof, evidence, we have no fault divorce, just leave. Life is too short to be living like a criminal DI in your own marriage and home.

It’s pretty clear that he is messaging random women and has even met up with one of them. So either he has a dating app installed somewhere you don’t see, or is finding them some other way.

Whether he has crossed your particular line in the sand to be defined as cheating is moot: he clearly is doing his best to be in a situation where he will be able to cheat on you.

Is it ideal to have done though his phone? No, but presumably he’s given you cause for suspicion and this is just confirmation. If you’re hoping we can tell you that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill and that there’s nothing there, I don’t believe we can do that. So the question is what you want to do with the knowledge that he is planning/trying to cheat?

Well, that’s why I want to have more information. The “seeing” could refer to an online video chat, of course, I’m also aware it could refer to face to face encounter. I’m not being deliberately naive, I just want the facts, not assumptions, which is all I have at the moment. I have to really think before speaking to my husband about it as he’s going to try to flip out and turn it around on me regarding the phone snooping.

Well he’s already cheated on you so why do you need to find out more info from the woman?

You already know. What he is. What he's done. Now What are you going to do?

Well, I don’t really know at all. I just want the truth to be honest.

Well, the assumption is that he’s cheating based on the messages. I don’t want to rely on assumptions. And I know I’m sounding like a broken record.

So you went on his phone because he's been distrustful in the past and you found yet more evidence not to trust him. Don't involve the other women in this - for all you know they are single, thought he was too and he spun them a pack of lies. They haven't potentially wronged you - he has.

You need to talk to him, you know you do. This isn't a 'gather information in other ways' situation - you just need to talk to him. If he turns it around on you then argue your corner - his previous behaviour is what led you to look and it's proven he is being distrustful again. This isn't about your behaviour, it's about his.

What difference does it make if it was an online meeting? They were hardly meeting up to discuss the price of food or easy DIY hacks.
Meeting in person (going by those messages this is what it seems happend) or meeting online did not have an innocent reason.
Messaging women is fishing for one to reply and "meet up", for sex most likely.
I'm sorry 😞.

Likely to be sex workers who publish their mobile numbers on websites such as Adultwork.

You are in denial OP. Whatever he says now, he is a cheater. I am sorry x

Does it matter if he saw her on a video or in person?!

Well, I’d like to find out more info from the woman to hear the truth because I feel like my husband will try to worm his way out of it. I wouldn’t approach her in a mean way, I’d explain the situation. I understand that it’s not her fault, as I don’t know her at all and she doesn’t know me. It’s my husband’s fault for crossing that boundary.

I’m confused why you can’t see it for what it is - meeting up with other women is cheating op. He’s cheating on you. He’s not meeting up with them to play board games.

im sorry but you are completely in denial!!

Well, it doesn’t matter at all, I’m just a bit confused and worried.

Okay, maybe I am. It’s just a very weird situation to be in.

But he's always at home, he’s very present as a father, and a husband. And he works very hard. How can he have time for that?