Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

It’s not weird OP. He’s a cheat who is constantly trying to meet up with random women to cheat again. Why are you so concerned if he has actually cheated, when the point is he is actively looking for opportunities — surely it’s enough?

They find a way!! A gym session or a late night at work. A work trip.

this is from someone who has been cheated on

If he’s so great, why were you looking through his phone?

What? It is INCREDIBLY disrespectful. You are not angry enough.

I think you’re making excuses for him. Did you screenshot the messages?
I wouldn’t message her, she’ll just tell him, I’d imagine.
It sounds like he’s at least trying to cheat.

Enough to do what?

Well you don't know that she would tell you the truth either do you? And you don't know that she would want to talk to you - however nice you are about it.

Talk to the one person who owes you answers - him, please just hit this head on and stop looking for answers around the outside - he's the one to blame, he owes you answers and you need to get them from him sooner rather than later.

My husband cheated, I know how horrible the conversation is and I have nothing but sympathy for you - but you need to rip the plaster off the wound. I never spoke to the other woman - there was no point and frankly it won't give you the information you need, because what you need is:

• Have you been cheating (again by the sounds of it?)
• Why and what does this mean for our marriage?

And then decide how you feel. I left because my self-worth is so much more important than second-guessing and being lied to on repeat. I wish you well.

Cmon you know hes up to no good from the messages you've seen. I know it must be hard to accept but even if he's just trying isn't that enough for you to realise this is a big problem.

Noone on here can tell you what to do it's your life but you can easily confront him and I wouldnt care about going on his phone good job you did.

Enough to confront him and/or leave.

Sending multiple random women flirty messages and wanting to meet up would not be something most women would put up with. Just so you know. Do you have a really low bar of what is acceptable in a relationship?

Nothing incriminating??? OP, your bar for fidelity is incredibly low

I don’t have a low bar of what’s acceptable in a relationship. I’m just curious to know the truth. I know that a lot of people would be fuming at messages of that nature and probably packing his bags for him etc, but I’m not like that, I’m calmer and more observant. I don’t want to start losing control and getting myself all flustered, I want to be in the best frame of mind to confront him.

You don’t need to lower yourself to speak to the other women to know he’s cheating on you. Remain dignified

i thought of doing that as a last resort because my husband is sometimes not up front with me. With the previous incident that led to my lack of trust, he completely turned it around on me and basically made me feel terrible for seeing his messages and was very adamant that he had never cheated. He even drove to my parents house to complain about me to my dad which was highly embarrassing.

You do if you think messaging random women suggestive messages is not being unfaithful. Think about it! How do you think he behaves when you’re not around? He seems desperate…!

How old is he? Does he have a history of cheating or nearly?
Even if he hasn't met up with anyone his intentions sound very clear. Thats not the behaviour of a man who is faithful

Please don’t imply that someone is not calm just because they would not put up with this. Good luck with him!

If your husband responded to a woman asking 'to see her again' and she replied that she 'didn't want to see him again', it suggests they've already met in person. He wouldn't have asked to see her again, if he'd never met her before. If he asked where she lived, then that suggests they met in a neutral place previously. Let's be honest, your husband wouldn't have met up with her in your hometown, in case he was spotted with her. That meet up could have been in a public place for coffee, and she may not know he's married. She wasn't attracted enough to him to want to see him again. Equally, they could have met at a hotel for sex, and she's decided she doesn't want to see him again. Either way, he's sneaking around behind your back, messaging different women, to see if one will bite! By the messages, he's met up with one without your knowledge too.

I didn’t imply anything of that sort. I was merely describing my own temperament.

IF he hasn't cheated, it's not for want of trying - it would just be because he's not persuaded anyone to yet! You don't need to prove he has/hasn't cheated, the fact he's clearly trying to is enough - you seem to be worried you're making too much out of this, but it's more like you're making too little of it. If you can't trust him (and it seems like you have very good reasons not to) then it's up to you whether you want to stay and try to work things out, or whether you want to leave, that's all that really matters.

you are not jumping to conclusions - he asked to meet AGAIN| - which means they have already met. It's possible it was for tea and cake, but more likely he was unfaithful, given the other messages you have found.

At least take pictures of the messages so he can't gaslight you.

You could probably do with getting a bit more angry with him. The bloke is getting away with murder whilst you remain calm and collected. How lovely for him!

In hindsight I probably should have done that because he definitely would have acted like I was talking rubbish.

The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words

Sorry, what? He met some random woman and did something that made her not want to see him again, and you see nothing wrong there?