Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

He doesn’t hide his phone because he doesn’t need to, because you just seem oblivious to what is going on. I’m thinking wilful ignorance tbh

and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc

Have you seriously even seen that said on MN? we are all snooping on our partners phones 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sending a woman ‘hey’ is cheating. As in, if he wouldn’t do it in front of you, he shouldn’t be doing it.
At best, he is looking for attention and validation outside of your marriage. At worst, he’s a cheater.
He has ho respect for you or for your marriage by doing this.
I would not forgive a husband for this even with children involved. No trust, no marriage.

Turning things round on you is part of The Script. There are lots of relevant threads on here, one very recently. Get clued about about it and make sure you recognise it for what it is - narcissistic behaviour.

And complaining about you to your dad - what?! What was he expecting, that you’d be grounded or had your TV privileges taken away?!

Get some self respect.

No, you dont need to. It will do no good.
Your husband has been flirting with other women online, that should be enough for you to end it.
How has he managed to get you to think this is normal or OK. It is not.
You have been conditioned by him to think its normal. It is not normal.
The other woman has absolutely nothing to do with any of this. Ahe probably met him once and saw through him and told him to fuck off.
You really need to get some balls here or just be fine with an open marriage, because this is what you currently have, he is connecting with other women and doing it behind your back. This is NOT a normal relationship.

The messaging random women would completely break my trust, so the relationship would be over for me.

When I found out XH was cheating, I never told him I knew. I just told him I didn’t love him any more and the marriage was over. Hurt his pride far harder than anything else I could have done. Still makes me giggle.

Well, I have no idea when he could be doing this, which I why I’m really wracking my brain trying to figure out what these conversations are all about and why he’s having them. It’s just really weird.

If you've ever been a woman and used social media, somehow, sometimes strange men will pop up in your DMs. Your husband is one of these strange men.
Sorry

It does sound like you need more to accept this in your own mind....I think I would make contact with a couple of them and see what they say about him. You could withhold your number, give a false name and say you have reasons to believe that 'Harry' has been playing you all?
Be prepared for what you may hear though.....good luck 😟

I genuinely don’t know how to approach him about this without it blowing up. Okay, I know this will trigger everyone but let’s just imagine for half a nanosecond that it’s entirely innocent - and I end up confronting him about it. Just imagine - please! I’m referring to the messages that involved him asking the woman where she lived.

Hmmm, okay, I think this sounds interesting.

Pack him a bag and tell him you are fed up of being treated like a doormat, he doesn’t need to speak to you about it and if he blows up then you call the police

there is no version of this where he isn’t cheating. But I’m getting the vibe that you are just going to stay with him anyway

No! It just gives you more time to convince yourself that he isn’t up to no good. He is a cheat and speaking to other women isn’t helping anyone.

Well innocent people can give you innocent explanations - we've all in our lives been accused of doing things we haven't done - either as kids in school, or as adults in work or elsewhere. Innocent people get annoyed but also go out of their way to prove their innocence. If he's decent and he's innocent he will forgive you for asking an honest question.

Sounds to me like putting lies on top of lies - don't lie to these women about who you are, that's not fair. What a tangled web you are getting into. If you feel you have to talk to them - and I advise against it - then tell them the truth, don't deceive them. This whole thread is about you not wanting to be lied to - so don't do the same to other people! Honestly this is making me cross now. Keep hold of your own integrity and be truthful in your actions.

He's an online stalking creep. Do better ❤️

OP - what COULD he say that would make you feel OK with this?

So, what led to my lack of trust is because I’d seen a message and the woman basically told him to stop messaging her and I asked him
about it and he started ranting about me going through his phone etc etc then he went to tell my parents and I felt awful throughout this but since that time I started to have a little bit of doubt. If the trust before was 100% then it reduced to 70% after that incident because he never said sorry or explained anything.

Maybe contact the woman first but I wouldn't expect a reply tbh.

If you do talk to him calmly state the facts.

I saw this stuff on your phone.

I saw you were messaging these women

One message said xyz.

Then go quiet - see what he says

Why did you go through his phone in the first place though? There must have been a reason.

Okay this is genuinely the truth, but I actually wasn’t looking through it, I picked it up and literally saw the message. I think he’d forgetting to get off that particular chat or something, Imagine you see a phone on the floor in public, you go to pick it up and the first thing you see is what’s on the screen - that’s what happened and naturally I carried on looking after that as it sparked my curiosity. Prior to that I had total trust.

How old are you, OP, and do you have children and/or own a house with this man?

Eventually you are going to have to accept that he is frequently messaging other women and wants to meet up with them. So then what? Are you going to waste spend more of your life wondering how far it has gone?

You bar is really low.

Isn’t it enough to know that he’s messaging random women online in a fishing expedition to see if they respond?

Your husband is totally disrespecting you.

Well, it’s not about making me feel okay, I just want to hear from him why he has those conversations on his phone. I want him to be upfront and honest because I already know. I’m not expecting him to explain things away or try to convince me that it’s all innocent, I just want honesty.