Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

He’s casting his net to see if anything will swim in. Very obvious indeed. What a total lack of respect for you.

You’re being gaslit, badly. (I mean he’s REALLY gaslighting you, not that he’s doing it poorly)

I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?

erm yes, yes there is? why are you so chilled and odd about this? And where does he find these girls? And are they all women or are they actually girls? In which case you are seriously under reacting and I don’t even know where to begin

It does come across as you have a very low bar.

You seem to be deflecting by saying you're trying to find proof that he met her but this statement below is very telling. No decent mans should be messaging random women when he is married but you seem to act like it's fine and there's nothing much to it and accepted it as norm when it is not.

"Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?"

There is a lot majorly concerning about a married man sending messages like that to random women but you say there isn't anything concerning. That's why people think you have a low bar and need to bring up your standards and expectations.

You don't need to know the truth, he won't confess or have an epiphany.

You know he's a creepy little sex pest in his interactions you've already seen. It IS in fact majorly concerning, massively disrespectful to women, and not at all normal, If you don't love that, kick him out.

Clearly you’re not going to confront him without messaging the lady he was talking to so just go ahead and do that asap. If she ignores/blocks or admits cheating then you know he’s guilty. If she readily explains the meet up that you didn’t know about with a girl you’ve never heard of in an innocent way (v unlikely) then you can carry on not trusting your husband and checking his phone

Have a google of the Kubler Ross curve. It was based on research into grief, originally, but they realised it extended to any significant change including, for example, betrayal in a relationship, redundancy, etc. This (denial) is one of the stages of the process. I found it very useful in similar circs years ago to understand why I was feeling what I was, what was coming next!, etc. Also be warned it’s not linear (sadly) - so you might bounce from denial to anger and back again. Well worth a read to understand where you are (and why).

Are these messages in WhatsApp?
Have you googled the numbers it really does sound like sex workers, asking to see her again.

But you already know he's not upfront and honest. I am not sure what you want him to say?

‘Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about thi……’

Very concerning. Married men don’t do this. Well, not good ones.

Major red flag!

You’re in denial and having been in your position, I understand that of course you would be. You will need time to process it on your own.

You know he won’t be honest. You have already gone through this with him. All you need to say is there is no acceptable excuse for those messages. Him wanting to see another woman (again) behind your back is cheating in your eyes. That’s enough. He doesn’t have to tell the truth or come up with a plausible explanation that you could accept. But if he doesn’t the marriage is over. Don’t ask him to explain. Tell him it’s not acceptable.

I think you’re deluding yourself. Whichever way you look at this it isn’t right and you need to confront him. You already have conclusive evidence that he’s met at least one of these women once and wants to see her again. I’m at a loss as to why you would think any of this was innocent when it’s gobsmackingly obvious that it’s anything but.

I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?

In what world is any of this not majorly concerning? I wouldn't even live under the same roof as my DH if he did anything like this.

I don’t know where he finds them and whether it’s selective but yeah, very strange. How am I underreacting?

You are under reacting I’m afraid. Because you should be bloody furious at the betrayal and confronting him about it, rather than looking for reasons to excuse it.

How would he feel if this were the other way around? And would you think it was okay for you to do this with men, and that he would be okay about it?

Flippin’ Nora - how much more are you going to put up with…. he’s messaging random women and talking about seeing them AGAIN.
Just NOOOOO!! Get a grip OP.
This is NOT acceptable on any level and should be a dealbreaker for you. I would be furious and massively disappointed at this.
Ps I'm always stunned at what women (or men) put up with in a relationship.

He's sending these women messages in your presence. He does not care about you. He is not concerned at all.

Please don't bury your head in the sand as when you finally realise he can't be trusted, the relationship will fail. When there's no trust, it can't work. Good luck.

I had a similar experience with an ex boyfriend. I did end up messaging one of the ladies and turned out they were all transgender women, and he was looking for a "girlfriend experience" or whatever that is. Really opened a can of worms there.

By saying it's "strange", that's how. It's not strange. It's vile.

"Hey" is the opening gambit of online creeps, the 'woman collectors' who confuse Twitter with Tinder. They're fond of asking where you live as well.

The first incident involved a woman telling him not to contact her again. What part of this do you not get?

For me it wouldn't matter if he met her in person or not. The messages are inappropriate and the fact that he was attempting to meet up proves he's a cheating prick. That would be enough for me.

But she has said she doesn't want to see him AGAIN. AGAIN. This means they have met at least once in person. They won't be looking for Pokemons OP. He's a punter.

I am sorry you are going through this. I think when you first find out that your partner is not who you thought they were there is a lot of shock and you can’t quite process exactly what’s happened.

Your head can’t quite work out that the person who says they love you would cheat and lie to you. Unfortunately it seems that your partner has definitely been doing this and as a therapist once said to me as I was in a similar(ish) situation ‘even if the person wasn’t going to act on the messages it’s incredibly disrespectful’.

"I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this"
Huh? Of course there is! He's looking for a hook-up.

You say you "already know" and just want honesty. Ok, fine, but you're likely not going to get it. If you do get some sort of admission it will likely be the least he feels he has to tell you and then a major drip feed from him of half-truths after that until you feel destroyed.
Why not just confront him now: So, I saw all the messages on your phone. Stop it now. Get counselling to stay together or we end it now. Your choice.
Do not allow him to justify or explain or minimize. Make it clear you know what it is all about and re-iterate the choice. Make it clear you won't entertain a drip-feed because you deserve more respect than that and aren't stupid. Give him a deadline. If he hasn't started counselling and you haven't started separate counselling/couples counselling, for the love of god move on.