Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

Huge LTB

Seeing that he has a history for messaging women, I’d say it’s not innocent 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But if someone was asking me what’s this message, and I was innocent, I’d just answer? Because why would I be angry at the question and automatically assume it means I’m asked if I’m cheating ??
The way people answer often reflect what’s going on in their heads @Flowerryellowblossom . Cheaters think you are accusing them of cheating. Innocents will look at you baffled and give a nice, clean, explanation.

I fear you’re a lost cause, OP. This isn’t ‘strange’ behaviour, he’s a predatory cheating cunt. Why you refuse to acknowledge this I simply do not know. I’m out though.

So if my husband annoys me, I can cheat and it's his fault??

He’s highly unlikely to be honest.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Yes I agree

@Flowerryellowblossom

I think you need to give serious consideration to the fact that even should you confront him, he will not tell you the truth. He will lie and DARVO. So what, exactly, would you hope to gain by confronting him? No matter what you wish or what you demand he's going to spin his narrative to enable him to continue on his merry way, contacting women and cheating, or at least trying to cheat which to me is just as bad.

To me, this is a situation of you already knowing the truth 'in your heart' and having to make a decision to either put up with it or leave. Others may disagree, but each is a valid choice.

Personally and knowing what you know and the way he's been in the past, in your situation I'd leave. My children are grown and gone and I would be financially fine on my own. But some women decide to 'look the other way' for the children or for financial or other reasons. That's not a truly happy life IMO, but it is a life.

The decision is yours. Just be sure you choose what will make you the happiest and most at peace with yourself.

@Flowerryellowblossom and if he hasn't met anyone? What then? He is actively trying to meet.

There IS something wrong with messaging random women who he doesn’t know.

Then he wrote he’s like to see this woman AGAIN. So he has met her.

Sorry op, red flags all over the place. Just the fact he’s messaging random women is already a red flag. (How is he getting contact details of random women to message them?). You don’t just message random people of the the sex you fancy to chat about the weather. It’s for sexual gratification (either physical hook ups or the thrill of the possibility).

‘ I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?’

You'd be wrong. There is something majorly concerning about this. He’s fishing for an affair partner, he’s actively looking to cheat, his messages to that particular woman would imply he already did. It’s not odd, he needs and craves validation from other women and is seeking it out.

He’s also gaslighting you when you raised it.

You have a cheating creep, actively looking on your hands.

FWIW my husband never went out, never had lipstick on his collar, never spent any money on restaurants/hotels, I had access to his phone (until I figured it all out) but conducted an affair entirely in work time so it’s nonsense to think you’re relationship is immune because of these things.

You need to pull off those rose tinted glasses and see this man for who he is.

Thank you

Yes I know there’s something wrong with it too. I don’t know how he finds these women’s profiles either. I think it might be woman he may have known in the past as some of them sometimes message him first and a lot of them seem to be from a particular country which he used to live in which is why I deduced that may have known them in some way.

That’s not really the thing though. The thing is, he is cheating on you.

OP, your eyes are open but you're choosing to not see. You know what he's doing. Sort yourself out.

This, 100%. You're avoiding the actual real issue by puzzling over odd details and deducing facts which are immaterial. These women could be from Saturn, it doesn't make a difference. He's still a cheating creep.

You should be worried, but you shouldn't be confused - your husband is an unfaithful creep who is actively trying to sleep with multiple women.

Well with words like again you don't need to be a genius to work out what's being referred to. Clearly he has already met her once. What do you suppose that meeting was about? Exchanging knitting patterns? Seriously, wake up. How can you possibly say there's nothing incriminating in that? Of course it's incriminating. He's telling you he's already met another woman behind your back and wants to meet her again. Sheesh if you're going to snoop on his phone at least do it with your eyes open.

Where are these messages?
What'sapp, Facebook his normal sms messages on his phone?

It makes more sense that your bar is so low, if your dad is like this.

It sounds like you don’t feel like this is ‘enough’ of a reason to make a big decision like leaving him, of that you’re in uncertain which red line he’s crossed. Simply messaging random women, and likely having met one now or in the past isn’t sufficient. If you feel like you need more evidence you might have to dive down the rabbit hole of checking whether he’s got a Fab Swingers account, or similar, dating apps etc. go through his emails…

If he was ‘just’ trying to reconnect with women from his past whom are in a different
country, likely to strike up a virtual relationship, could you accept that?

How would you react?

In your original post you seem to think people will think you’re overreacting. As literally everyone is indicating you are very much under reacting and making excuses for terrible behaviour.