Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

Yeah, he’s a creep. Sorry but don’t put up with this. He would cheat given the chance if he hasn’t already.

Didn't Huw Edwards start out like this but with young boys?

Clearly, he's looking for something... otherwise wouldn't be messaging other women.

DARVO is a manipulative tactic used by perpetrators to deflect blame and responsibility for their harmful actions, particularly in situations of abuse or wrongdoing. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Here's a breakdown of each step:
Deny:
The perpetrator denies any wrongdoing, claiming the accusations are false or that they were not responsible.

Attack:
The perpetrator attacks the accuser's credibility, character, or motives, often trying to discredit them or paint them as the aggressor.

Reverse Victim and Offender:
The perpetrator flips the narrative, portraying themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the aggressor.

This tactic is a form of psychological manipulation designed to shift the focus away from the perpetrator's actions and onto the accuser, potentially causing the accuser to doubt themselves or withdraw their claims.

What did your parents say? Did you tell them that you found some incriminating evidence that on his phone that he is pestering a woman who is demanding that he stop? Who does he think he is, reporting you to your parents? Don't tell me that your parents take his side. That would be awful.

Well, he only “reported” me to my dad and then my dad phoned me to basically try and pacify the situation and I don’t think my dad tried to take his side but I was getting the impression that he was implying that it’s a classic “boys will be boys” scenario and to just let it go. As you can imagine this was infuriating.

I would definitely take it as a sign that your marriage is over.

Even if he is messaging those Instagram influencers & prostitutes it is very clear that he is looking elsewhere.

Unless you relish getting hurt, I'd be preparing to get rid.

Why are you skirting over the fact they are likely sex workers?

Bloody hell OP, you think that what you've seen "doesn’t scream incriminating”. Do you actually need to catch him with his dick in another woman to see the light! Of course it's incriminating. He's messaging other women and probably shagging them too. Get an STI check before you have sex with him again. You sound timid and somewhat vulnerable and your husband is using that to his full advantage. He's humiliating you at every turn. He actually ran to your dad to "report" you, and your dad gave you some misogynistic bullshit. Report you - what the actual fuck. Your DH has got you exactly where he wants you. No wonder he's not hiding his phone - he doesn't give a shit! Please, please get out of this abusive, oppressive relationship.

Creepy weirdo who loves the thrill of the chase despite having no intention of committing to any of these conquests. In the bin.

OP,

Your husband is cheating, creepy, sleazy abusive scum.

His reaction the last time was gaslighting you.
Going to your father is a really bully boy scum move.

You need Women's aid for advice and support.
He sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

Stop looking for proof.
Start planning on getting out.

Take photos the next chance you get if needs be, but this is not a good man.

He's desperate to cheat clearly.

I won't be the only one to say this, but you could wait a LONG time for him to be upfront and honest about this. I wanted that, thinking I couldn't "justify" acting until I had it, and also that I deserved it. Unfortunately he's not playing by the same rules as you and at some point you might have to accept that you will never know the whole truth, only what he chooses (or not) to tell you; and that he may never accept he's done wrong and apologise; and that you might have to make a decision based on imperfect information, and that he might STILL be gaslighting you, lying to you, telling you you're overreacting, or that it's all your fault, as you walk out the metaphorical door. It's shit but it's real.

He’s not going to be upfront and honest though, is he? His previous behaviour of making you feel bad is clear about that.
He’s a chancing, cheating arsehole and treats you like shit. Why are you so meek and naive about this??

What the hell does it matter? The intention is clearly there!

I wouldn’t be extremely chilled out about this, he’s an absolute piss taker.
he’s sending attention seeking messages to random women to get his ego stroked at the very least, if not get his cock stroked.
This would put me off him so much it’s would be a deal breaker.
Never mind about snooping through his phone, you already knew he was untrustworthy, how much more evidence do you want?

He’s a creep OP. Surely this is giving you the ick. What do you think when a random man sends you a random message trying to hit you up? Do you respect him? Or is he a creep? Your husband is the same as these lame men. He’s a creep.

He’s bang out of order my love.

Oh he just wants to meet up with them as friends. Offer them support and all that. The one who does not want to meet him again must have just misunderstood somehow and gotten the wrong idea about him.

If I had even a 1% suspicion about my DH, I would not hesitate in looking at his phone or doing anything else to find out the truth. Survival of the fittest and all that. I know I am likely in the minority on here but I do what I need to do to get by in life, human nature and all.

Ikr!

I think he is probably on web cam with his willy out showing women .
You don't know if these are young girls or boys.
It's called being unfaithful.
It's also gross.
Probably doing this when you are asleep or out

The word ‘again’ is key here.

So this is at least the 2nd woman that has told him to leave them alone?

Added to that he messages women-I'm guessing in the hope of meeting up?

That's what you know about.

But you want more proof?

What do you think confronting him will achieve?

And argument & him being more careful in future I would have thought!

Kindly OP, you have to stop being a doormat...

Your partner is a pest who is messaging random women and you are trying to excuse/minimise his behaviour.

Your father is also out of order for supporting him and involving himself.

You need to get rid of the creep.

If anyone had reported me to my dad once I was an adult, that would be the end for me. The whole 'boys will be boys' narrative is just shitty men covering for each other. Your husband sounds like a sex pest and at least some of the women are telling him to get lost and leave them alone.

If he isn't cheating with these women, it's not through want of trying. Honestly, I'd bin him.

I think there's a fairly high chance he pays for it.

If you require proof, do you have access to all of his bank accounts/credit cards? Because I'd be having a good look through those for unexplained/out of character cash withdrawals or transactions in places he wasn't meant to be.

Even if he's not met the, not being successful at cheating isn't really a defence. He is clearly trying to do so. Sorry.