Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

You already have all the evidence and answers you need to make a decision on this.
He is a seedy twat, he is messaging other women, he is gross and a two faced cheat.
There is no more evidence that you need, why can you not see what he is.
Do better for yourself, pack your stuff and leave. This would be the final straw if he has done it before.

Yeah I think this pretty much sums things up. Perhaps I’m making too little of this situation, hence why I just wanted some other viewpoints. I think deep down I’m just so disappointed. I think I just had him on some sort of pedestal.

OP, my DH was always home too, always present. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security. Mine would be sexting the OW while laying next to me in bed!

I was referring to the actual words on the screen, it doesn’t scream “incriminating” to me, but obviously it’s highly suspicious.

But you are acting like this is a battle of wills and that 'whoever wins the argument wins the truth' - that's not it at all. He can gaslight you all he wants, you don't have to accept it, you know what you saw. And he drove to your parents last time?! Well he's a manipulative arsehole then isn't he? I wouldn't have been embarrassed - my parents know who I am and what I am about - I would have been furious and frankly they would have been embarrassed for him if anyone was embarrassed. I would never have been embarrassed at someone else acting like a moron - they are the moron, not me! You came on here for help and everyone has told you to confront him, you seem unwilling, but we're not all saying the same thing for the fun of it - it's the obvious and only answer.

You say twice in your OP that there's nothing wrong or concerning about his behaviour, but there is. Really, there is. There's nothing normal or OK about a married man randomly texting numerous women.

Yup and if there was nothing wrong or concerning the OP wouldn't have posted on here. Plus he has prior form...

Sounds like prostitution to me.

He has checked out of your relationship OP, if not totally then partially. How has he been with you in recent weeks and months? What context is there for this? But whatever has led up to it, he is not being fully your partner anymore, and he is not 100% committed to you and your marriage. Can you accept that the relationship is in deep trouble Flowery? I am sorry, it must be so hard to come to terms with.

AND YOU STAYED WITH HIM!? Wtf?

This isn't "calm and observant" but completely batshit. It absolutely does scream incriminating. What do you need, a picture of his dick in her?

It’s not a battle of wills, I’m deeply concerned about what I’ve seen and I’m very disappointed. I was just trying to view things from different angles, but I guess I just need to be realistic and know when I’m being deceived.

The over reaction and DARVO that happened with the last incident are enough to make me feel he's up to something

Have you searched the numbers online?

I just want the truth to be honest.

No, you don't. That much is clear.

wow

I meant from him.

You don't need further proof.
That message says clear as day that they have met. That she doesn't want him to know where she lives and doesn't want to meet him again.
I would not tolerate that in my marraige

'Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this'

I had to re-read this. your husband messages random women, clearly coming onto them and you are not concerned about this? His behaviour isn't normal for a single man never mind a married man. He sounds creepy and predatory.

If you think this isn't concerning behaviour then words fail me!

I'm really sorry, but I don't think there are other angles in this - I really don't.

I am also not convinced that he will tell you the truth.

I feel for you, I really do. I have been through this. But you have to totally put on your coat of armour and not allow him to fob you off or give you excuses.

Hold fast and don't take any crap. Mine told the truth in the end. Took a while.

Okay, so, I shouldn’t kindly message the lady?

Where would he be getting random numbers from?! This is only part of the story, in order to be messaging random ladies ‘hey’ he must be getting the numbers from somewhere so he must be active on a dating app, personal ads etc despite being a present father/husband and working hard.
Regardless of having a calm temperament I think you need to realise that what you’ve found is probably the tip of the iceberg.
He is getting contact information for randoms from somewhere, must be meeting up with at least one of them once to be asking if he can see her ‘again’.

OP, please sit down for a minute and consider the meaning of the word AGAIN
How can you think that's not incriminating?
If she didn't knock him back he would have "seen" her, whatever that entails.
Do you want someone to tell you that it could all be innocent?
No one will. It isn't.

At best he’s a seedy little man, at worst he
has and is cheating on you. If my husband was sending random messages to women on the internet fishing for replies and most likely nudes and sex chat (or actual sex), then he wouldn’t be my husband for much longer. It’s gross behaviour from a single guy to be sliding repeatedly into random women’s messages hoping he’ll get to see some tits or whatever, but a married man is really something else.

I find it concerning you are tying yourself up like a contortionist to try to excuse his behaviour. It’s blatantly obvious he’s a pervy fucker 🤷‍♀️ Do better for yourself, OP. Have some self-respect.

It's hard to accept but you dont need "proof" he has physically put his penis into another woman...

You have proof he is a pervy creep and is trying to have an affair... and will prob continue trying until he does.
You have proof he does not want to be faithful to you.
You have proof he is being disloyal to you by sending these inappropriate messages and soliciting other women.

He is trying really hard to have an affair from the sounds of things... whether he manages or not is immaterial really.

Fwiw I also think he is messaging sex workers