Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

You think there's "nothing majorly concerning" about him messaging random women? And then asking to see a woman "again", meaning he'd already seen her previously. This is extremely concerning and wrong.

Just how much are you prepared to explain away and put up with @Flowerryellowblossom?

It’s right there in front of you.

If I were the woman involved I wouldn't be telling you anything. I'd suggest you talk to your husband.

He doesn’t need to be sly with his phone, last time you saw messages he turned it around back on you and tried to embarrass you, he’s a man that doesn’t care about getting caught he embarrassed you last time, in the hopes you don’t tell anyone next time, putting doubts in your mind.

Don't make excuses for him he is up to no good sniffing about other women. Even if he hasn't physically cheated he is still thinking about it and messaging when he shouldn't be

I think the fact he’s messaging other women at all is all you need to know. It doesn’t matter if he met any of them in person or online or didn’t meet them at all. The fact is he’s reaching out to other women. I’m not sure if the fact he doesn’t lock his phone is even worse as he’s just so casual about this, like it’s a normal thing to be doing when it really isn’t. No decent husband is messaging random women like this. There’s nothing else to find out. You’ve out what you need to know which is you can’t trust him. Without trust and respect, the relationship is not one that will bring you joy. Best wishes.

I think you need to look up the word "incriminating" because that is exactly what it is screaming of. Do you think they're just friends meeting up?

I totally get that - there was nothing 'wrong' with my marriage. I just married Peter Pan - never grew up. He'll forever be a player and it didn't help that he was objectively very good looking and charming, so was never short of admirers - which never bothered me, on the contrary, I was proud of this witty, handsome chap - until he decided to have his cake and eat it. Step too far for me.

It is really hard to reconcile the person you know with a set of bad behaviours that you have never seen them exhibit around you, it's like two people. I do understand that. Maybe it was easier for me to get my head around my ex-H cheating because he was a social butterfly and a big flirt. But I didn't think he would ever cross the line - but he did, because turns out he was more selfish than I ever gave him credit (discredit?!) for.

I think we are lulled into this idea of 'this is what cheating looks like' and it's a very 70s construct - lipstick on your collar, working late, all of that stuff. The truth is that people (a) take opportunities (b) can be deceitful in the pursuit of what they really want. Also people lie in plain sight don't they?

But also you can't deny the evidence of your own eyes, your own intelligence and your own gut feeling. If it isn't cheating then (a) he shouldn't get cross, or turn it back on you, just be a bit bemused and (b) be very happy to fashion the reason for it all - and be very willing to do so. The first sign that's he's cheating is to turn it back on you, rather than to be upset and try to get to the bottom of it...

Okay, fair enough, this is a good point.

incidentally, what he’s done here during this previous cheating episode, successfully it seems, is gaslight you and humiliate you into the position of ‘bad guy’ so you backed down and he got away with it.

Classic DARVO (Deny and Reverse Victim and Offender)

I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife

On the contrary, I think you're minimising the seriousness of the situation if anything.

He is either a cheating scumbag, or he's trying to be and just hasn't managed to successfully get someone to cheat with him yet. Same thing as far as im concerned.

you know when you’re just in disbelief and trying to explain away everything. That’s currently where I’m at.

Really?

Sounds like dating apps or another site that he is using??

Let's hope that these are not young girls , under age , even if they are not he shouldn't be doing it , he is having phone sex with them I suppose , do you think that is ok ?
I think you should tell him that he is being unfaithful and ditch him.

" I know there is nothing majorly concerning about this."

It is very concerning. I think you're minimising it because it's 'just online' but he is still out trawling for other women and disrespecting you. Not to mention turning it around on you when you find things out about him. You deserve better treatment than this.

Maybe the denial is because deep down I want him to take accountability and stop denying that I’ve seen what I’ve seen.

I never really understand these sorts of posts. what more evidence do you need? him shagging the woman in front of you??

if this isnt something you would do, then you already know its completely unacceptable. Unless you want to tattoo mug on your head you need to call him out on this.

you dont need any other evidence. its all there. You just need to believe it and act on it plus get yourself tested for STDs because who knows what he has been up to.

I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this

What??

Well the thing is, on a day to day basis he doesn’t do anything that would suggest that he’s unfaithful.

Well, apart from messaging random women.

You sound like a lovely person and I just wanted to say that your post is full of excuses and mitigating your husband's behaviour and you're more than this. It is not ok or normal to message other women he doesn't know. He is doing that to start a conversation, to start something....

And the woman he wants to meet again definitely suggests he has cheated, whether that be for a date or sexually or video like you said. Just the intentions along are enough to show he's up to no good. Personally I'd message the woman so you have evidence and proof and he can't talk his way out of it.

Have you thought about when he could be doing this?

Sorry OP x

Your husband is a cheat, he cheated on you and even the other woman he’s cheated with can sense he’s a total loser and she’s worth more than to lower herself to sleeping with a man who is creepy, disrespectful and reeks of desperation again. Why don’t you take a leaf out of her book, she has some sense at least. Stop making excuses for him, stop being passive and allowing yourself to be gaslit and used. You owe yourself more than that for goodness sake.

I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that they have met (wants to see her again), maybe he’s watched her on a webcam or something like that? She may offer other services which is why he asked where she lives. Obviously this is bad too, but just saying they met not have actually met in person.

Either way it’s pretty clear that he’s a sleaze though, and is fishing for female attention online.

@Flowerryellowblossom As well as all the other stuff which seems highly incriminating he's also asked where she lives! What does that imply to you?

What did you see before OP that you confronted him about?

It all sounds dodgy AF but he's never going to admit it. You need to either leave or know this is going to be for the rest of your life.

@Flowerryellowblossom
Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?

you realise how ridiculous this sounds right? Of course there is something majorly concerning about this, he has no respect for you. Ffs 🤦‍♀️ you need to learn to respect yourself and demand more, if we accept behaviour like this then we may as well just tell them they can shag whoever they want and treat us like dirt.