Concerned about my husband😕

[Flowerryellowblossom]

Hi, just wanted some other views on this. So, I was going through my husband’s phone (and please I really don’t need a lecture about how this is a betrayal of privacy etc) because I have my reasons - in the past I didn’t go through my husband’s phone at all but there was an incident that happened a while back where I stumbled upon something that made me start to lose trust a bit.

I don’t go through his phone regularly at all, but his phone was unlocked so I guess I just gave in to the urge to snoop. Like I said, please spare me the lecture about how this is intrinsically morally wrong blah blah. Anyway, I saw that he messages random girls a lot and calls them “pretty” or something similar and sends heart emojis. Sometimes it’ll just be the casual “hey” and the girls usually don’t reply. I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this? I mean, I don’t message random guys and comment on their stories etc.

so, there was one particular exchange between him and one woman that really raised my eyebrows. The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words, but obviously alarm bells were ringing because I’m now wondering why he wanted to know where she lives and why he wanted to see her again. And why she declined his request. It doesn’t scream “innocent” but there’s not enough info to be sure what they’re actually referring to. Besides that, him just having multiple conversations with random women is just a bit disrespectful in my eyes as I do not do this with men at all. I know that a lot of people will misinterpret this post as me being some paranoid jealous wife, honestly I’m quite the opposite, I’m extremely chilled out and I know most of my husbands female friends, so it’s not that he’s not allowed to speak to any other woman, it’s just that sometimes I get the impression that there’s more under the surface…sorry for the long rant. I’m thinking of messaging the lady to ask for more info, obviously not to be mean or anything, just to ask for info in a kind way.

I just can’t deal with him turning in around on me and getting so angry about looking at his phone - it’s like he completely disregards the real issue at hand and it becomes solely about me and the snooping.

Well you clearly do have a low bar. you KNOW he is messaging other women, flirting, trying to meet. That's the truth. You're putting up with that. Whether he's slept with anyone or physically met them or not isn't the issue.

Most women would not put up with their husbands messaging random women. He sounds like an utter creep.

you don't need to 'prove' to him what you know or that you ahve seen the messages. you HAVE seen them. you KNOW you have. have some self respect and dignity and kick him out.

Sorry OP but I agree with the few other posters who think your 'D'H may be messaging sex workers. One then refusing to see him again is a huge red flag.

OP, what really leaps off the page here is how unsure of yourself you are even though what he is doing is clearly dodgy. It's disrespectful to you and also to the women he's basically harassing. It feels to me as though you have been gaslit by him into doubting your own perception.

Weird, creepy and shouts infidelity. And he's not tech-savvy enough to even attempt to hide his tracks. 🤔

I think, if you were really honest with yourself, you would know what you've already seen is enough. He's hardly going to tell you the truth about any of this.

I don't blame you. Noone wants to uproot their entire lives. Sometimes it's easier to not know what we know.

The relationship is dead, he’s cheating on you, he’s an asshole to you, going to your parents etc and you know he will lie to you if you confront him about it.

you don’t need anymore proof from women etc, you know he’s awful and crap, do you want to spend even more years of your life in a crap relationship?

'The woman messaged him first and then he asked her where she lives and that he wants to see her again. She then said that she won’t see him again. And he ended the chat with “okay”. Now, I know that there’s nothing incriminating from the words.'

I don't know, OP. Sounds kind of incriminating, I'm afraid.

It’s not numbers, it’s just from networks like WhatsApp/tiktok etc

I think I have.

What sort of man does this? One who isn't happy with his home life. Blame all you like, claim victim status etc etc. But why isn't he happy at home?

I know there’s nothing majorly concerning about this but I just find it odd that he does this?

What parallel dimension is this, where your husband randomly sliding into other women's DMs with heart emojis, is NOT majorly concerning?

it doesn’t scream “incriminating” to me

And how can a whole conversation where he wants to see her again be anything but incriminating?

Honestly OP, I feel your DH has done a number on you if you think any of this is okay and normal. I get you want it to be, but it's really not.

Oh, fuck of with that.

One with a penis

Don't let him - stand firm. If he refuses to talk about the topic at hand then tell him you will talk to him about it later when he wants to listen and respond. Then walk away. Conversations aren't about one person railroading the other.

You may have to deal with it in the short term to get to where you need to be. You can say: "Yes it is unfortunate I felt the need to look at your phone - but I did feel that need because you lied before and it turns out you have lied again. When people lie to you, they lose the right to trust and that's exactly what this is about. You can rant and rave all you like about me going on your phone - but that is NOT what this conversation is about and until you will talk sensibly about what seems to be a gross breach of our marriage vows then I am going to do something else."

Watch out, incel about.

if it’s on WhatsApp he’s got their number from somewhere

Thanks for this.

So you're blaming her? You sound like Bonnie Blue.

For it to be WhatsApp he must have the numbers? I don’t get random messages to reply to via WhatsApp and I don’t know anyone else who does either

This isn't how it works at all. And anyway, even if it did there might not be anything the person being cheated on can do to prevent it from happening.

What a weirdo
I would run away from him

You're welcome - you need to take the reins and don't let him railroad you. You can do it, you have inner strength, you came on here to ask for help. Remember you deserve better and you deserve the truth. Don't let him derail the conversation or turn things on you - if he does - walk away - resume later. It might take a while if he's particularly pig-headed, but at some point he will capitulate and you can have a proper conversation. Will be tense and hard in the meantime, but a million times better than living with uncertainty and fear. Good luck lovely.

Start jumping to conclusions !!!
he is a cheat

I think it probably seems like I’m being naive and I get that, I really do. If I was reading this on someone else’s thread I’d probably be thinking the same thing. But it’s really hard to get yourself out of that mindset because despite what I’ve seen, he’s always present and loving. I’ve never witnessed the “obvious” cheating signs like coming back late, “classic lipstick on the shirt”, or hiding the phone, or just being shifty or shadey. I could literally ask for his phone to check soemthing or help with his banking and he’ll hand it over in a heartbeat. So that’s why I find it so odd that what I’m seeing could be cheating.