AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

I think you need to talk to someone about this. Your past is schewing your perception of relationships. Money is no guarantee they won't be twatty I'm afraid!

Well done for doing so well with your career, you should be very proud.

You don’t have a right to use someone for your own gain just because you had a difficult childhood.

All very theoretical OP

you are “looking” for someone

so why don’t you just see how far you go with that. Presumably using dating apps?

YANBU

Some men are good for being fun boyfriends (the skint ones who are great in bed) and some men are suitable marriage material (the ones with assets and prospects)

It just depends what you want really so go ahead and find someone who suits you and don't take any notice of anyone else.

Sounds like a terrible basis for a marriage. What if you are unable to have children with this person you've tied yourself to? Ttc and ivf was the biggest test on my marriage and because we had a solid foundation, we've come out the otherside, allbeit with no children.

Perhaps all those people who split from their partners when the kids were young had the same approach as you?

This,how do you know the people with the wealth and status you want, will want you?

Exactly this. Spend your well earned money on some therapy. You likely have created a defensive attachment style that allowed you to detach and survive. Attaching will feel difficult and unimportant as a result. Speak to a highly qualified psychotherapist to explore these issues.

Have you found someone like that who fits the bill? I think in most western societies it's the attraction that counts, not what they possess. Although obviously power and wealth can be an aphrodisiac for some. I think yabu..

People prioritise different things in a relationship but at the end of the day, if you don't love them (and they don't love you) then it won't work. And even then it might still not.

I agree with a PP who suggested that therapy might be a good idea; given the childhood you have had it's not surprising that you have some issues to work through.

Picking only for wealth and status? You have a high chance of picking someone you'll have a disastrous marriage with and give your kids a shitty childhood.

Picking a wealthy high status person who you actually like and get on with? Better, obviously. But are there people who care about wealth and status enough to chase them who you will like and get on with? My experience of men who are wealth-seeking and status-aware is that they are almost entirely fucking arseholes or greasy smug self-important entitled wankers. Or if they just happen to be born wealthy and in a "good" family, hard to click with since their experience of life is so diametrically opposite to mine (or perhaps yours) that they simply can't understand you.

I've known three rich fellas who were nice, though. They do exist. And as you say, friends broke up from their (presumably) love matches.

Do as you wish, but be aware of potential repercussions of limiting your selection pool.

If you're so successful, you don't need a partner to secure your future children's future.

If money and elitism is all that you are concerned with in a partner, you could end up just as unhappy as in your childhood. There has to be a basic compatibility for a marriage to work.

Having money and connections doesn't make someone a good person.
Your parents issues and your bad relationship with them wasn't because of lack of money it was because of their personalities.
Rich people can be alcoholics, addicts, controlling, selfish, and terrible parents just as much as poor people.
So yes I think you are being very unreasonable to focus on wealth.

You have a great career. Talking about "elites families" is kind of gross. Someone with a normal or decent job will do just fine combined with yours.

If you want your children to have the good childhood you didn’t, then surely you have to be interested in the personality, character and values of their father? Being able to afford to buy them stuff isn’t the same as having a father who loves them and who they can have an emotionally healthy relationship with. Plus children obtain a huge part of their own template for what a healthy romantic relationship looks like from what they see their parents modelling: if they grow up seeing mum’s benchmark for this as “he was easy enough to get along with”, rather than a proper loving, mutually respectful and supportive partnership, they’re likely to end up with a dysfunctional template.

Well as long as you're honest with them I suppose.

"I don't love you Dave and never will but we get on ok, so will you marry me?"

I can't imagine what sort of bloke would say yes.

I am an incredibly straightforward person and don't hide my intentions at all. I'm not looking for a man to support me as opposed to someone in a similar situation.

This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs in action - the bottom level basics need to be sorted for you to feel safe, and meanwhile you haven't got time or headspace to consider the spiritual needs - the need for truth, for honesty, for emotional peace.

I would strongly advise you NOT to make lifetime decisions when you are still in the 'stop coping / start feeling' stage of healing. It is not fair to either party and you will only have Ito unpick the decision, at cost to yourself and others, and start over, but you will have wasted precious time.

Take a couple of years and relax where you are, talk to someone who understands, and save money to keep safe.
X

It sounds like what you want to secure for your children is a childhood you didn't have - but plenty of poor people have very happy childhoods. What you were missing was good, loving parents. And that has nothing to do with money. Plenty of rich people are absolutely fucking terrible parents.

It's not wrong to not want to marry someone who is financially irresponsible, but putting how much money they have above whether you think they'd be an engaged, loving parent and a supportive partner is only risking your children having a shitty dad who happens to also have a lot of money.

having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

Unfortunately this is not a given - unless there is a basis of trust and mutual respect between the parents, no matter how much money and elite status one parent has, it is no guarantee that the DC's future is secured. Many high earners or high status people divorce their spouse and have nothing to do with their children - it's the basis of a million and one novels, films, etc.

I suspect if you had said that you didn't want to "just marry for love" but instead wanted to include in your consideration of a partner their financial status and that they would be a stable partner for you as you form a family, then most people would absolutely agree with you!

But the most important thing has to be shared values, good/productive communication styles, and shared attitudes towards the "big things" like money, marriage, kids, etc. That's the bedrock for a successful partnership and successful offspring, in my opinion.

Well you wouldn't be the first person op! It's up to you what you find attractive in a person/relationship I guess. When I lived in London in my 30s all the women I worked with were only looking for financially successful partners. Majority are still together.

I went for fun, and sense of humour, and ended up a single mother with a narcissistic arsehole ex who contributed nothing but debt and misery. 😅

The only thing about the elite families is that they might only consider other elite families? Does your family fit that status? Money and status won't matter if they consider it "marrying down". I imagine that would be a miserable life.

I'm seeing someone at the moment, he's kind and physically attractive but not really the sort of person I'd go for if money was a concern. Imagine a younger Boris Johnson. We've only been dating 2 months so no idea how this will work out long term.

It’s better to cry in an Lamborghini than Honda civic. All men are a disappointment. Follow the money.

Best advice I ever received tbh

I would exercise some care. In reality I think there is a balance. Marrying hopefully forever is a long time, so pick your life partner well. You need someone you can laugh with, cry with and enjoy life with. I was born into poverty with an alcoholic for a father, so I see nothing wrong in wanting security. I think you just need though to be a little bit more balanced between security and the partner that makes you sparkle.

I wonder if your initial post is accurate. Are you sure you are not looking for someone with the same outlook as you have as well? Someone wealthy and successful with a similar goal to give their child a good future?

Well, I wouldn’t make it the only goal. You and your kids would be pretty miserable if said bloke was an abusive arsehole and you would end up fucking up your kids anyway. However, not unreasonable to want a certain level of stability and financial responsibility from a partner.