AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

I don't judge you, but I do advise you against this. I'm 20 years in with DH and it helps enormously that he's my best mate and I find him incredibly hot!

Where’s that laughing emoji gone?

This is actually a good point. Unless you are stunningly good looking, you are unlikely to attract an old money type. You might manage to get a fellow 'rags to riches' success story, but a true trust fund kid would be warned to beware of potential golddggers.

My sister married for money. She still isn't happy. There is no 'soul' in their relationship. It was purely transactional on her part and he has come to realise that and it has made him deeply unhappy. He does get immense joy from their two kids though.

Ironically the hippy that she was so happy with prior, who she dumped for the rich guy, is now richer than both of them put together as her dumping him for being poor acted like a rocket up his butt.

Why don’t you get to a point where you’re self-sufficient and don’t need a man for financial support? You seem like you’re already doing well for yourself. And you can have the luxury of choosing whoever you want or going it alone. It’s so liberating knowing you don’t need anyone and instead you choose them.

unless it’s their work ethic and attitude that entices you? Common traits?

Make your own money, marry someone funny.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to make it a priority.

im now realising that far more people do this than would ever admit to it. And fair play to them, I suppose.

I wouldn’t bother about an “elite” family though. Just financially comfortable and a nice, caring family would be plenty.

Be aware that you can go too far the other way and have a family of millionaires who are utterly vile.

Nice guy, nice family, financially stable.

There are attractive, kind, funny wealthy men same as attractive, kind, funny poor men. Ditto there are arseholes who are both rich and poor.

Go for a wealthy man for sure, but pick a decent one

i can totally see why you would want more security for your children than you experienced yourself. And you should be so so proud of your career success. BUT - it sounds your childhood was lacking in love as much as money, and I wonder if that didn’t damage you even more than the poverty? I wonder if perhaps seeking a purely transactional relationship is your way of subconsciously protecting yourself from further hurt. I could be talking bollocks but might be worth exploring with a counsellor?

I think if you were you settle on a loveless marriage purely for financial reasons it would be terribly sad, for you and for your children.

Please wait to find a man who shares your lifestyle goals but who you also love.

but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them

It’s fine to want someone who is from a similar class of earns similar to you.
I think sometimes when couples have vastly different salaries it can cause issues.

However, YABVU to not care what they’re like as a person or you’re not attracted to them.

How can you have a lasting relationship if you’re not even compatible?

If you don’t find someone attractive now, you’re definitely not going to when they’re comfortable around you and they’re not making as much of an effort.

What if they’re not a very nice person are you going to leave them and their money or just put up with it?

This screams of having no self respect.

I had one of the poorest childhoods you can imagine and it’s exactly why I am so independent and I teach my DD that it’s on her to work hard and get a good career, rather than rely on a man who could treat you like shit or leave you.

Do you come across many pleasant, decent men from elite families seeking a loveless marriage with a woman who doesn't find them attractive?

😆

I totally agree @yakkity and my late DM used to say exactly the same thing to me. I didn’t take any notice of her though and did end up with someone poor who also happened to be abusive. I didn’t bother with men for fifteen years after I split up with him. When I was ready to date again I was only interested in men who were financially stable and I met my now DH who was. I still fancied him and fell in love with him.

I think this would be a good theme for a new OLD app : )

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xkq5BraESgY

Maybe some one like this

Where would you find this mythical man who's happy to be married on your terms?

Especially not someone who was kind, handsome and wealthy. Can’t see what would be in it for him!

Yanbu for this to be a factor - that's your perogative. Ywbu to pretend to be in love with someone and just use them for material gain.

If you earn well probably best to find someone who earns equally as, if you marry and then it doesn't work out, you may be required to give them more than half.

Therapy is not a bad idea/suggestion.

Anyone resembling BJ in any shape of form cannot be considered attractive.

They have to pick someone too and going for someone who doesn’t find them attractive seems a dud deal.

I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

Unless you're an Oscar level actress, who could maintain this facade for 50 years, why would any man shackle himself to you when he could have someone who loved him?

You're deluded.

I think it's fine to have financial stability as an important trait you want in a husband but you really need to be compatible with them emotionally, otherwise your life will be miserable. By all means look for men who are in stable good jobs e.g. doctor, lawyer, engineer - but make sure you actually love them and that they love you.

A rich man who you are not compatible with will be dire for your future and will be horrible for your children who will grow up in an unhappy household.

No offence but I'm not sure men from elite families will be interested in you if you're not marrying for love. If theyre going down that transactional route, they'll surely want someone from a similar elite family.

I grew up poor so financial stability was important. My husband is from a similar background. We are both city lawyers and earn well but he is the love of my life :) If he had worked in a less well-earning profession, we probably wouldn't be together but the main reason it works is because we're very well suited.

My Grandmother told me something similar. Her marriage was toxic, and three of her children died from alcohol related illnesses.

But hey, they were pretty loaded.

Don't sellyourself short, you can find someone you love that can also be a good partner,nagree with others talk to a counsellor and don't rush anything
Good luck

I understand what you mean in big picture terms, marrying someone with wealth can potentially give a level of financial security. But on the micro day to day level, if your partner is not kind, someone you enjoy being with, are sexually attracted to, then life can potentially become very flat and dull. People who are wealthy also have the same human problems as anyone else, they can be unkind, can be alcoholics and more. It sounds like you had a tough childhood and I think it’d be worth doing therapy of some kind to work things out a little. It’s hard when you don’t really have a blueprint for a healthy relationship and it may be you are looking for something safe and comfortable, and maybe that will work well for you. But it may be you need something more than that. I hope you find what will make you happy.

From personal experience - if he's a shitty person, no matter how much £ he has. You'll be raising a child like a single mum, but will also have to keep up with all the shit and then share custody etc. So look for a "team player" with decent education and career. With focus on "team player".

I think you should at least LIKE him and also have shared values etc.