AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

How old are you op?

YANBU to take it into consideration, but YANBU to exclusively base a marriage on it. There's no guarantee that he'll share it with you for a start, no guarantee he won't gamble it away. Look for someone whose values match yours.

After a series of really awful relationships. I'm with you on this one OP.

I'd be perfectly happy with a transactional relationship. Its easier to approach it on business terms almost.

" independant people who get married, both so that they dont die alone in a car home, and also to get annoying family off your back who swear you should be married by now!"

Read up on attachment styles then get some therapy otherwise you'll end up lonely with fucked up kids.

ok so i have a different take but with a caveat - huge one and most often hard if not impossible to achieve.

the reasons you state have been the backbone of many arranged marriages in many cultures for many many centuries. I think the rate of success often has little to do with how the marriage came about - none are guaranteed to work out.

BUT the caveat is both parties have to understand the basis for the relationship / marriage and go in with their eyes open (putting aside the fully forced / no choice marriages that go on) with the same expectations about love, intimacy and everything else that makes a relationship work and what you each want to get out of it re future plans i.e. kids.

So why I said not unreasonable is it could work if BOTH people agree on the basis / reasons for and limitations of the relationship and go into it with the same expectations.

Where expectations differ and there is a mismatch - in any relationship however it started / came to be - that will not work. Ever.

Anyway we're not that far from the animal kingdom - you still look for the best provider / breeder albeit subconsciously. 😁

as long as you are honest and the other person doesn't expect more than you can give or promise - knock yourself out.

@QuaintFinch I certainly wouldn’t advise “dating down”, but I wouldn’t go digging for gold either. There must be some “equal yoke” partners out there!

And that’s fine, as long as both partners are on board. OP would have to tell her partner of her intentions (and he’d have to be happy with that being the basis of their relationship) for it to work. Otherwise she’s depriving him of his chance to be loved.

Can’t you look for both. At least someone you’re attracted to?

It sounds tough if you have to do the whole relationship and marriage thing glossing over that part.

You sound very detached and alienated from yourself - that's for you to manage (you might want to try Al-Anon - a support group for people affected by the alcoholism of someone close to them).

But whoever you marry deserves to be loved for themselves, not their money.

I could condemn you, but I just feel really sorry for you. Your childhood has had a really worrying effect on you. I hope you find what you need.

Is there a queue of rich men? I would imagine they will make their choice, too.

What do you want for any future DC? Is financial security more important than happiness and health? It sounds as if you would be able to take care of the monetary side on your own, if necessary, so choose a partner who you like, at the very least. Looks and wealth aren't as important as kindness and respect and shared values.

Crikey 😲

Possibly just a tad selfish.

Fill your boots if you want to marry a rich selfish guy, but don't expect to be happy or have well adjusted kids.

It's almost impossible to be happy if you live in poverty. But it is bloody easy to be miserable if you are wealthy.

Why jeopardise your chance of happiness by neglecting some fundamentals of a strong marriage: respect, attraction, compatibility, kindness?

You can be pragmatic but don't ignore things that will start to matter very much over time. Having to have sex for years with a man you don't find remotely attractive; raising children with a man who shows zero interest in their wellbeing or yours, socialising with a man whose opinions make you cringe - all for the sake of financial security? Don't kid yourself these things won't matter to you or that your children won't notice how dysfunctional their family is.

If he's the wealthy one, you are just as likely to find yourself in a vicious divorce. If you don't set any value by his morality or his humanity, expect a man who will pull your children out of private school just before their exams and refuse to pay for the clubs which their social lives depend upon (seen it happen); who will kick you out of your vast home and squirrel away all his money leaving you in sudden, relative poverty. I live in a wealthy area and have watched so many marriages fall apart. It is rarely the woman and children who end up financially secure if they have depended on the man for their quality of life.

Err, is there a typo here? Either he's kind and physically attractive OR he's like a younger Boris Johnson. Also not really the sort of person you'd go for if money was a concern? So are you talking about calling it off because he's not got the cash?

Really you've probably missed the boat tbh. If you are successful you're presumably at least mid-late 20s. Lots of successful men from 'elite' families will have been snapped up already. Also worth noting that they will likely be looking for something similar to you, so your background may go against you.

How do you define elite family?

I think you’re saying you’re prepared to settle and if that’s the case it’s ok but don’t feel that you have to. Get the basics right - find someone that shares the same goals and values to start a family with is always going to be top of the list just don’t discount someone who can make you laugh, that you genuinely enjoy spending time with and you’re attracted to just because they’re not ‘elite’. I’m sure high net worth families also have plenty of relationship problems that affect the kids so don’t think it guarantees a happy ever after

I think the money and status part of your question is less relevant than your very low expectations of the relationship itself.

Why don’t you think you deserve a partner who you at least like and find attractive?

I don't think it's unreasonable to look for that, God knows my life would've been easier 😁, but I do think it's more important to prioritise a healthy, loving marriage for the sake of everyone involved.. you, husband and any future children. Ideally, kids should have parents that genuinely love and respect each other. What happens if the money dries up?

For yourself, you can do what you like. But as you are thinking of having children, it is different.

You are massively unreasonable to think it's OK to bring children into a loveless, passionless marriage based around only money and status.

To raise children, you need as a basic minimum, someone who shares your values and loves you.

Anything else will be an absolute disaster for raising children.

You're likely to spend 50 years with this person.

Life won't be worth living if you do it with someone who has a terrible character and you don't really care for. No amount of money can make up for that.

OP I completely understand that you would want to be with a man who is solvent and is not going to be a drain on your own finances.

But beyond that you need someone who is also compatible with you in term of personality, goals and so on. And of course someone you find attractive.

Because marrying someone just for money is a recipe for a miserable life...

It's easy to say you won't care about their personality, character or looks as long as they have money.

But you haven't even met a rich man who wants to date you yet, let alone have an LTR.

These things work both ways. Why would someone want a partner who's only after them for their cash? They wouldn't be a very reasonable person would they?

But the reality is you'd have to live with this person day to day, and say you want to have children. And if you don't even fancy them how do you want to TTC?!

Just because someone is rich doesn't mean they won't be tight with their money. Rich people aren't stupid and don't want gold-diggers.

Also they might be abusive to both you and the child. Or control you financially.

You need to marry someone who cares about you as a person, and you feel the same about them. Otherwise it won't even be an equal relationship.

So you'd marry an arsehole, as long as he had money. To hell with if you liked him and got on with him.

I can't see what could possibly go wrong there.

Honestly you are setting yourself for more drama and heartache with that mentality.

I don’t think the OP is suggesting marrying just anyone if they have money. Nothing she says suggests she would put up with abuse if it came with money.

as my mum said, it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man’

this whole idea that rich men are all arseholes is weird. Do people who think this think all poor men are saints?

If there is could someone point me in the right direction please? I have 4 GD who I would like to marry off in order pay my care home fees in the future. 😂