AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

This! Absolutely hilarious that someone with wealth and status wouldn’t want to match with someone from a similar background.

but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person

If you want kids you need to very much think about what they are like as a person, as chances are that is what they will be like as a parent.

If you want your kids to have a shitty upbringing like you then by all means follow the money, and overlook all the other things which make people good on the inside.

Plenty of people marry for money/security then become trapped in an abusive/loveless marriage because they are too scared of losing those well kept appearances, you won't be the first and you won't be the last.

@QuaintFinch Your family background isn't exactly a match for a potential wealthy husband either. People in these circles tend to marry equal to their status. You might have money but probably not equal to theirs & your family background is definitely not the same.

Therefore you probably wouldn't be considered a catch as they probably want to marry up to someone who would give them further connections. What connections can you bring to someone from an elite background?

I understand what you are saying OP. I think unless you have experienced such unreliability in your childhood, you can’t fully understand how important that then becomes when you are striving to do things differently.

After having a Dad who committed suicide and prior to that used to take off on holidays spending family money we didn’t have and needed to pay bills to cope with his untreated depression, I absolutely knew I wasn’t going to marry someone unless they were very stable in terms of their career, reliability with money and mental health. I wanted different for my children, which I absolutely now have with my DH of 15 years.

I think wanting a really rich husband is less essential than one who is reliable in terms of reliably working, not getting into debt and generally sticking around for you and your children. I know many men at my children’s school who don’t earn much but are incredibly reliable for their wives and children, hugely committed and loyal. I think this doesn’t always necessarily link with being a really high earner if that makes sense.

Best of luck to you with your future, you’ve come so far already…keep going 😊

Ideally you’d look for someone kind, from a stable & happy family background because then at least they’ll have hopefully had healthy relationships modelled to them. Then go for someone at least as financially stable/comfortable as you. But I don’t think YABU. Financial security is important.

This nails it. Therapy seems like a good call to come to terms with your childhood before you have children yourself - for one, it'll help not repeat the generational cycles you're in, because you might want not to repeat them theoretically, they'll be well ingrained in you and hard to shake (like for everyone else btw, this is not a dig at you).
Also, alcoholism, violence, bad parenting etc. doesn't discriminate and happens in well-off, educated families too! Money doesn't guarantee you shit.

Well only you can answer that question if you succeed and have a few decades under your belt.

But I hate to break it to you. The elites keep themselves to themselves and they really are another world. I grew up in one of the richest postcodes of the country. I know wealth. But the elites. No they are another level. They can sniff you out. It’s not about money. They practically speak another language.

I’m sorry about your childhood but this way of thinking is really wrong. How about actually marrying someone you love and giving your children the childhood you would have dreamed off? Yes you think that’s money and status but children don’t actually care about that, they want stability, a loving mum and dad who show they care and love eachother and a good family life. You marrying someone you don’t actually care about just for money will leave not only your future children but you, miserable. It’s a terrible idea and a terrible basis for a marriage. This is what you think you want, but I can guarantee if you were to find someone who treated you well and who was brought up well in a good family, you might realise your priorities change.