AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

You will work very very hard if you marry for money. Every waking moment of every day.

Money and status don't equate to a happy family life, and that's what children need most.

But I expect you'll take them to stately homes..

Gymmum82

It’s better to cry in an Lamborghini than Honda civic. All men are a disappointment. Follow the money.

I find this horrifically sad. I hope you randomly find someone who doesn’t make you cry x

Yes and no.
I married my school boyfriend so never dated as an adult. But if I did, I would honestly not date someone without a high earning potential. I earn well myself and would want someone earning at least the same.
However I would also not marry someone I wasn’t attracted to or someone I wouldn’t be happy spending all my spare time with.

Prince Harry's parents had wealth and status - and it clearly wasn't enough.

Do you come across many pleasant, decent men from elite families seeking a loveless marriage with a woman who doesn't find them attractive?Because unless you're actually weighing up a proposal from one, this might be a case of crossing that bridge when you come to it perhaps?

No that's not how to do it op.

Decades ago I was successful: good career, own house in London. In my very late 20s I hadn't met the one.

When I did, the one was penniless and from a different class but a very decent family. He had prospects, brains and we shared a moral compass, politics, religion, work ethic, etc., and were generally well suited. He got the more elite family but wasn't looking for it. I got someone I didn't match intellectually (he has a brain the size of a planet).

Decades on - 35 years plus - all good because we were on the same page despite our differences. Happily he has also made a few mill but that isn't why I love him and he doesn't love me because I was born with a silver spoon.

The sort of men you want, might not want you.

Sorry. I find this post very sad.
I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood but it obviously didn't hold you back financially or in your career.

It is sad that you want to use a man for his wealth and status.

It is sad that you want to have children in a loveless marriage. It will become very apparent to them as they get older.
Marriage is about relationship, love, mutual respect amongst other things.

You will be setting up any future children for years of therapy and similar angist to yourself.

Yes, financial security is important in a marriage but lots of poor people have long, happy, successful marriages and happy, well adjusted, successful children.

It sounds like you want to repeat your parents mistakes.

With this attitude, its likely you'll fuck up your own kids childhood in a different way.

I agree, don't find some half wit benefit scrounger just because he's funny - but likewise don't pick some dickhead just because he's rich.

Honestly OP I've got an image of you hanging around at polo matches grinning and waving at toffs.

BTW, sorry to say - the real "elite" families wouldn't be caught dead letting their son marrying someone without blue blood.

It seems unlikely. Not sure how much pretence the op is willing to put forward either.

Is this a cultural thing? Would you have any objections to your partner doing his own thing. Rather like the lady of the manor of old? You'd have to be quite special for most western men to be picked for their background and income.

Actually, you'd have to be spectacularly special thinking of some of the possibilities. Will it be that straightforward?

Marry for money and you earn every single penny!

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out a man/or only being attracted to men with the same level of ambition as you. I wouldn't date someone long term unemployed with no good reason.

However, a relationship without kindness, respect, trust, support, attraction, love and honesty just wouldn't be for me.

It's also grossly unfair to use a person like that. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

When considering whom you might want to father any future children, you REALLY need to be considering their personality before money and status.

OP, marriage is tough. Marriage with children is even tougher.

You have first hand experience of growing up in a loveless household, as do I. Why would you inflict that on your own children?

You are successful, and there is no reason why that cannot continue, childcare is available, parental leave is universal. You don't need a man as a meal ticket. Why not go it alone? Find a nice man by all means, one you think it could work with, but DO NOT marry him.

Have your children, see how it goes, but maintain your career and your ability to walk away. If the relationship lasts then great, but if your prince turns into a toad, you can leave without a problem.

I have been a single mum since ds was 2. Civilised lovely ex morphed into an abusive creep before we were even home from the maternity unit. I gave it two years, tried to get him to behave normally but it didn't work, so ds and I walked away. It was MUCH easier without a marriage certificate and a shared mortgage.

I left, bought a house for me and ds and we have been happy and stress free here for the last 14 years. Ex raged and simmered for a while but there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

A marriage is primarily a legal contract that it is hard to get out of. Please think twice.

Having been married before
My criteria on bumble
Well paid job if its not in the pic left swipe
Own their own home
Nice car
Hobbies
Basically on par with me.
Ive also found one as well hes lovely i really like him. Works in a reallt good job owns his own home he has no kids. And a brand new car via the company. He also flies on the weekends for cadets.

You're being very naive if you think money and status equals a good parent. You would be better off getting to know their values, temperament and ability to reflect on their own upbringing.

@QuaintFinch I've given this a lot of thought OP and I've voted YABU. You could marry someone wealthy who you get on with reasonably well and have DC with them, but what if they lost all their wealth? (It happens.) What would be left for you? There are simply no guarantees and you can't predict the future.
I could have married a wealthy man when I was 20 - he adored me - but I knew there would always be an imbalance of affection in our relationship and I didn't think that would be fair on him. Instead, I married a man I adored (and still do, 44 years later) whose financial prospects were only slightly better than my own, but we have worked and grown together to have a very comfortable life, with us both retiring early (even though we had some knock-backs along the way).
You have to remember the marriage vows "for better or for worse" - if there's no fundamental love and care to be there to support each other whatever the circumstances, then you have nothing. As I said, there are no guarantees and whatever you think you're signing up for today, may not be what you get tomorrow. Then what?
On the upside, at least you're thinking about actually marrying someone before having children with them - that makes a refreshing change on MN! 😃
PS: Each to their own, but Clown Johnson has never been physically attractive at any age.

Wind 'em up and watch them go.

Oh god why do people respond to these types of post ?????

A good stiff drink, anyone?
Or some popcorn?

Melanie Trump probably thought this when she married Donald. Her face shows how happy her marriage makes her.

I’m reminded of a post yesterday (since deleted) by an incel who said he’d happily date literally any woman with a pulse, no matter how crazy or abusive, so long as she wasn’t overweight (which was his only criterion for exclusion).

My spidey senses are going off a bit with this thread.

Of course it’s a bad idea to deliberately disregard personality when choosing a partner, come the fuck on.

But isn’t that just normal?

I met my DH when we were young and in uni so neither of us had much of anything but both doing very well now 20 odd years later.

But if I found myself single now, obviously I would probably only meet, be attracted to, date and possibly marry a man of a similar standing to myself. He would likely be a successful professional with a good income and strong financial assets, like me. Least of all because those are the social circles I am in.

Honestly, I was a bit like this - not as rigidly adamant it was all that mattered (I knew I wanted someone funny, kind, interested in similar things to me, who i loved and loved me). However, prospects and aspirations in life really mattered to me. I wanted a partner who wanted a similar type of life to me (thoroughly middle class tbh). I've been married nearly 10 yrs, have 2 great children, a lovely home, the children will get a choice of private or state school, my son is sen and we could afford private diagnosis and help for this. Mine and my husbands wealth, drive and assets have made a massive difference to the life we lead.
I would say number 1! He is lovely, kind and funny and we love each other. So you do need to find someone you care about, love and enjoy time with, and who isn't horrid to you (rich men can be abusers, alcoholics, drug users etc too). Having said that, it's totally reasonable to only date and get to know men you feel fit the attributes of a future husband when you're looking for that type of person.

Well that has been the way of the World for most of its history.

Even those who marry for love aren't always in love the whole time. 60 odd years is a long time to put up with anyone.

Respect, tolerance and shared interests/outlook are the most important. What you want at 20 (good looks, sex, fun) aren't the same as at 40 (hair, kids and a mortgage on a nice house) or 60 (teeth and an annual cruise).
Focus on someone kind, who shares your sense of humour and is willing to graft and you would be surprised how far you can go... if they are wealthy then that's a bonus.

@RosesAndHellebores I’m with you - I think brains and work ethic plus attraction are very high up the list and resilience!! Far more likely to lead to better longer term prospects