AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

You could end up having kids with someone who is rich but is also a total cunt, is that fair to your children?

This.

Yes. And if the men can't recognise a gold-digger, their mothers certainly will.

I’m on great terms with my MIL 😆

But why would the OP do that? You don’t have to have finances at the top of your list and not have things like decency and kindness in your list also

they aren’t mutually exclusive. The OP is talking about finances above passion not finances without decency

Folks get married for all different reasons. If money and status are yours, I personally don't feel there's anything wrong with that as long as your intended knows the score.

You can love someone immeasurably and be miserable. There are no guarantees.

This all seems bizarrely hypothetical, given the man in question doesn’t exist. I suggest you focus on dating and meeting a man who will be a loving husband and father. Stability in marriage is far more important than money if you want a trauma-free environment for children.

The same way women get into a position to choose between any men with qualities other women desire. Be around those sorts of people

Similar but far worse than your upbringing.

If you're happy to be touched, have someone intimately and bear their children whilst you don't particularly like them...
Then you need help.

It's not exactly a role you can keep up.

Whatever. Do it. I don't know why I bother with this bullshit.

Wealthy successful men tend to go for wealthy successful women and/or very attractive women. Who can blame them?

Bloody Hell Op, a young Boris Johnson, that's not a pretty picture. Seriously, Boris now has 9 DC so having money clearly doesn't guarantee fidelity or happiness.

Surely entering into a marriage of potentially only convenience, could literally ensure any future children you have, also experience a crap childhood.

Just because someone has a good family background and money does not mean they won’t abuse your kids or you and it definitely doesn’t mean they mate going to be nice or easy to get on with.

Why don’t you increase your chances of finding someone you could actually fall in love with and try a good dating app where you can specify things like professional, wants long term relationship, wants children etc.

If you’ve not had counselling already, I really think it might be a benefit. To help you see how your own upbringing could affect your future. Just be you, go on romantic dates and find someone who you’ll love and want as much as they do you.

It sounds like you’re looking for someone who has similar financial prospects to you, but from a more stable family background, not for a sugar daddy. There’s nothing wrong with that.

That was one of my criteria for a serious relationship too. I ended one long term relationship after he declared that he had no interest in financial success. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was incredibly off putting.

My only advice is to find someone who is also kind. You don’t want to end up with someone who will belittle you if he’s more successful or refuse to share his money with you and your children.

Only a fool would marry someone based only on physical attraction. That will fade quickly. What you should be looking for is someone you see eye-to-eye with i.e. has very similar values to you. That will encompass being career driven and wanting the best for a future family.

I work with children in a safeguarding role so I can assure you that a man with money and status does not guarantee your children a stable, happy childhood.

Rich men can still be alcoholics and drug users

Rich men can still leave

Rich men can still be unfaithful

Rich men can still be violent or controlling

Rich men can still be cold, distant or uninterested in their children

Rich children can still be profoundly impacted by living with two parents who don't love or like each other.

I'm not saying throw caution to the wind and start a family with someone who is flat broke, unemployed or useless with money. But finding a good and kind man, who you can fall in love with and has a strong work ethic and is financially responsible will probably be better for your children than choosing someone based on wealth alone.

In my younger days such men were called a 'good catch'.

And if you didn't love them and they didn't 'bother you too much' (I assume you know what that means) all was fine and dandy.

Or was it?

You do sound as if you belong in a Jane Austen novel where women have to find a rich man, or they are destined to a life as an old maid or maybe a governess.

You surely realise that any man with an ounce of emotional intelligence would not want a money/ status grabbing wife who didn't love him?

This is not only about what YOU want!

I had a very similar background and unintentionally (maybe subconsciously?!) did the same thing. My ex husband’s family never accepted me, loudly looked down on me and never stopped expressing their disdain for me even I equalled (when we married) and then surpassed ex-h’s career and salary. I was never good enough for him or them. My self-esteem is still recovering from the experience.

When our children were small, he walked out and we haven’t seen him since. That was 10 years ago.

Your background hasn’t made you a bad person, and being a wealthy person with status doesn’t make someone a good person either.

I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Kindly, OP get some counselling.
Not knowing what a healthy relationship is as a child is not helping you create one now.

I married well on paper. In laws are well off. I however had no idea they had so much as they are very frugal and only spend when it is very necessary. I wouldn't have married DH if he wasn't a decent person. He also has drive and ambition (finished his training faster than anyone else we know) Together we also earn very well.

Remember you have to parent with this person and the early years tests everyone's patience with each other. So if they are horrible it's unpleasant. Also having money doesn't mean they will be generous with it!

The family money is a cushion and it helps to know it's there psychologically.

Shallow golddigger

“He’s kind and physically attractive… like a younger Boris Johnson”

good lord

I think what you should look for is more like working ethics and prospects. You want someone on the same page, and money is very important.

I could not be with someone who gambles, who is irresponsible, changes jobs often, is not ambitious and does not have a career. I just can't, we would not have enough in common. What that "career" looks like is quite variable though.

Whether they come from money or not is actually not a great metric. My exH had parents with a ton of money - none of it was in his name!!! Also, it made him a lazy git and I thank my lucky stars I didn't have a baby with him.

I don’t think you value the right things. Not your fault; you haven’t been taught.

I think this because of your idea about marrying for money (and not really being bothered about looks or personality) but also this sentence is very telling; ‘I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.’

A friend of mine married very well (money status etc) he was awful to her, very abusive, doesn't give a hoot about the two children, luckily she got away.
Don't marry for money, marry someone who values you and will be a partner in things as well as finances (you don't want a cocklodger either). It sounds like you've done ok for yourself financially.

I came from a family with (some) money. I’d say that those who really marry for money earn every single penny, but it’s perfectly reasonable to want someone who is competent at life and not a waster. I wouldn’t touch Bozza with someone else’s ten foot pole, and the money is irrelevant either way to that, but I have quite expensive tastes given the choice (space to live in; nice food; holidays) so I’ve always chosen people with jobs, at least.

I’d have that therapy, if only to frame what you want in a less negative way. You want someone who enhances your life, not someone who makes it more difficult. Nothing wrong with that.