AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

Imagine a younger Boris Johnson.
My legs would be firmly crossed.

Totally understand wanting someone with financial security to offer.

In terms of an ‘elite family’, if you mean upper class you’d be likely to set yourself up for a life of misery as generally they care very much about people’s upbringings and yours wouldn’t pass the muster. And actually serious family wealth is protected in complex trusts usually so you’d risk being trapped in an unhappy marriage or having your child in an unequal financial landscape post divorce.

In short, bad idea!

Money doesn't buy happiness. Don't you want to love your partner and be happy? Golddigger is not a good look.

Choosing a partner ONLY based on wealth and status is bonkers. Money and privilege doesn’t guarantee they will be a good parent. IME really wealthy family close ranks anyway. If you marry into that kind of family and it doesn’t work out you’ll be screwed. Even if they still make sure your DC’s are taken care of (no guarantees if other children later come along) then all it does is serve to drive a wedge between you and your children when you can’t give them the same luxuries dad and his family can post divorce.
Research actually suggests marrying people from a similar social status as yourself is usually far more successful. If you’ve done well for yourself why not look for someone similar with shared values and attitudes to finances. You don’t have to marry a complete bum who refuses to work, there’s plenty of people in between!

Well just tell them that then. If that's what your priority is and you're happy to be transparent about it, why do you care what anyone else thinks?

You seem very detached from the general idea of falling in love, OP. Does this factor in to it at all?

I grew up in a very working class family and my mum did actually used to joke ‘marry first for money, second for love’ - but if you want children, you really really must do that with someone you’re very happy with. Babies are a huge upheaval and you need to be a brilliant team to parent through it.

I had a similar-ish childhood. The way I dealt with that was, like you, getting a good education and solid career. I made sure that I was able to single-handedly give my DCs what they need to be happy, healthy and settled. There's no evidence to suggest being ultra-wealthy makes happier DCs than just a good, solid, safe, secure and supported childhood. I married a wonderful man who is also intelligent, education and successful - but it's not why I married him. If he walked out tomorrow and didn't support me at all, I would be able to support our DCs on my own.

What you're saying is that you lacked financial support in your childhood so you want to ensure your future DH can financially support his DCs regardless of whether he can offer them kindness, love, interest, and a role model of what love should be. Why not just make your own bed and then get the best of both worlds?

Looking past looks is fair enough but marry someone you actually like and can be good friends with,

Because them havibg money won’t make a good life for your family - what you say you want and what you suggest to do to achieve it are not compatibale

imagine - he’s rich but emotionally abusive or a drug addict or has multiple affairs with other women, or you just drift off living different lives - none of that is a good environment for your kids. Neither is havibg so little respect for yourself that you don’t team up with someone who loves and respects you and who you love and respect in turn

imagine MN in 20 years “my mother married for money and not love. I grew up in a loveless household. Is this normal
or am o right in wanting more for myself “

I think as long as someone is ok to get along with, and all the expectations are up front and on the table, what you're looking for is essentially a companion/business parter type of set up where you're both wanting children and for those children to thrive financially

The vast majority of the world sees marriages and collaborations like this, in the modern West we baulk at such arrangements.

Its not wrong or right, its just what you need and you need to find someone like minded who is happy with that.

You think money equals resources, which is does to an extent, but another form of resources is human capital. What happens to many women after having babies is that all their time (their own human capital) is taken by looking after the kids, which has an impact on their careers too, and even with a wealthy DH they can end up time poor or indeed just poor if he doesn’t pull his weight with the kids or share finances. Which is all a longwinded way of saying… if you want a man with resources (not just money) then pick a good man who will share in the home labour and parenting too because having kids is like having a second job and being married to someone who has a good income is simply not enough. They need to be a good father and a good person too.

You know what’s most important OP is your own financial independence and boundaries. This way you don’t need to compromise for someone who isn’t an equal partner.

I have been a lone parent for 15 years, great career, could afford private school didn’t need a partner but met my partner later in life

What you really need to watch for is to find a man who is a fully operational adult in his own right, a man that can do anything and everything for himself.

If he happens to be also financially independent then great. But a marriage or partnership doesn’t work unless you are equals and share objectives.

And yes get some therapy.

Given this thread, are you sure that you’re in a healthy place to even be thinking about having children?

The phrase 'provided they are reasonably easy to get along with' is the only relevant part of your post tbh. It doesn't matter one bit how wealthy a person is if you don't get along with them. If you dislike someone there really is no point in being married to them - they will negatively affect your life and you and your children won't benefit. If they happen to be rich, that's great. Marrying a rich dickhead is pointless. You will end up miserable and/or divorced.

It doesn't feel a very healthy way to select a life partner based on money or status.

Security means a lot more than money unfortunately. You mentioned Boris Johnson in one of your follow ups - he famously has left love children scattered about and a lot of his children don’t talk to him anymore.

Aligned values and shared goals are much better indicators of stable family units. I could honestly write a dissertation about this exact thing

You said yourself that you're financially successful already, so you've ticked that box on your own. Give your hypothetical future kids the gift of modelling a healthy loving relationship so they know how to have one once they reach adulthood.

What makes you assume that you need to compromise?

Why not assume you can have someone who is both financially similar to yourself and also attractive to you?

It sounds to me as though you are carrying on the pattern you were brought up in on a sense. Yes, you plan to have a good material set-up which would be different but the lack of care and emotional support that you would have is probably not dissimilar to that between your parents and between you and them. This is what I think you need to think about, probably with a therapist.

I suppose it also depends what “provided they are reasonably easy to get along with” you actually require. Would you be happy to live largely separate lives with a lot of friendships and socialising apart, and have a sexually open relationship so that you’re not required to find emotional or sexual fulfilment in each other? That’s ultimately going to be a lot more realistic than also expecting Mr Reasonably Easy To Get Along With who you aren’t particularly interested in or attracted to or interested in sex with to want to spend the majority of his time with you to the exclusion of others and not to expect a sexual relationship from you.

My first BF (I was about 16) came from a family with lots of money - and has since inherited a castle on Welsh borders. He had beautiful horses (I was horse-mad & only had my rather elderly pony to ride), he had his own car & would take me out for expensive meals, weekends away etc etc.

The trouble is, despite my best efforts, I didn't fancy him. He would ask what I wanted to do at the weekend, I'd say 'let's go for a long ride on your horses' he'd say that he thought I was only with him because of his horses, me: umm ...🙄

When I became 18 & about to go to uni in London, he wanted to get engaged. I thought about it, discussed with parents & friends, and, in the end decided that I didn't want to have to live with someone who I was good friends with, but didn't fancy despite his money, horses, cars, big house(s) (they had a chateau in France as well as their main house) with people to clean & cook for me & prospects of a comfortable life.

Years afterwards, when struggling with DCs (I went on to have 5), nursery fees, a stressful job, old cars that kept breaking down, high interest rates & unaffordable mortgage, my mother would say what a shame that I didn't marry him as I would be living a life of clover. However, I also would be having to have regular sex with someone who didn't turn me on and would have felt like a prostitute because I would've only been with him for his money. I know that both of our lives would have been miserable.

I don't regret anything. After a short-lived miserable marriage, I met my now DH (who I love more every day and still fancy the pants off 😍), we have 5 wonderful children all of whom are successful in their chosen careers & (except for my youngest) are married with children who are the light of our lives & give us so much pleasure.

Completely agree. This is just as dysfunctional your parents' relationships.
Plenty of wealthy and powerful men are cruel/abusive etc, it doesn't make them less likely to be so.

How old are you OP?

Good idea tbh. Wish I had followed that advice. Theres always divorce.
I actually had some wealthy boyfriends but I couldnt stand them after a while, if you find one and like him enough to marry and he wants to marry you then go for it. Sadly for me I fell in love with a normal bloke!
I advised my best friend on this when she was dating a boy who she didnt really fancy that much but could offer her the world and was besotted with her.
Guess who is driving the bentley and living in the mansion, doesnt have to work and is dripping in diamonds... clue.. it's not me!

You don’t think any potential man in this scenario deserves to be with someone who actually loves them?

And to even be considering this, would indicate the OP is a long way from being in the right place to have a child