AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

So how is OP going to get into a position to be able to pick and choose between wealthy men?

Treating money as a key attribute, or a non-negotiable minimum hurdle that all prospective partners need to clear, is eminently sensible if that's something that's important to you.

Literally "...not caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself..." would obviously be insanity - all being well you could easily be with this person for 50 years, if it's someone who you can't stand then even 5 would be an impossibility.

Yes I really agree with this. Money is just one aspect of success.

Commitment, love, joy and sheer graft are other important considerations.

Agree children thrive with stable happy parents.

I also had a tough childhood. Parents died when I was very young and grew up with an aunt. It does shape you as a person. I understand where OP is coming from. I knew I had no support system and could only depend on myself so I was not going to marry a man that was in any way unstable. He didn’t have the be rich but did have to have a good work ethic like me. I needed security as well as love. Love doesn’t pay the bills. My DH is my best friend but he knows how important it is to me to have a home that nobody can take away.

This is sad to read, honestly. You need to be single and build your own self esteem.

It is possible to aim for a man with wealth and status AND WHO IS A DECENT HUMAN BEING!

Aim higher for yourself @QuaintFinch

No need to pre compromise by deciding only the wealth and status matters. Cut yourself a break, you've obviously done fantastically well for yourself.

surely, it's purely because she has self esteem that her reasoning is valid, for her

I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with it.

I think you are just setting your priorities the same way everyone else does. Some people say they want someone tall, or blond, or Hindu, or muscular, or with (or without) certain mannerisms.

I think you’d probably be happier though if you use your criteria as the priorities to restrict the dating pool and then find someone you really click with. it would be nice to have that spark, no? Otherwise you would both need to go into it with your eyes open and being prepared to work very hard on the relationship. That approach has worked well in many cultures (including Britain) for hundreds of years though.

Whatever you do, be honest with your partner though.

I mean ideally you’d want it all. Clever, intelligent,handsome,witty,charming. And absolutely stonking rich.

As the saying goes: Don't marry for money, go where the rich people are and marry for love.

I thought this was going to be a post about you are with a wealthy man who has asked you to marry him but you're not 'in love' with him, even though you care for him a great deal and love him.

If it was that I was going to say yes. I think true love can grow. What many of us think of initially of love, is in fact lust, which whilst fun, isn't necessarily a great basis for marriage, in the absence of anything else.

But you aren't even with anyone, not dating anyone, just basically looking for a wealthy husband. Say it how it is. good luck to you if that's what you want. I would say you need to be a pretty good actor and pretty dam hot to pull it off though.

I do admire your honesty btw. I was reading an article about young men who only date women from wealthy families as they don't want to struggle financially. Who wants to rent forever when they can buy a house with a good deposit from family money, have many holidays and have country weekend retreats to the family seat.

I would maybe look at it from a different angle. Go ahead and meet people /date and find some men you like. That's first. I think it's fine to then filter people out on the basis of education, income etc. But you need the foundation of a solid relationship rather than a transactional one.

Go to business school. Work for a business catering to rich people. Be a nanny focus on single men. Go to pubs near London financial center.

I mean, I wouldn't do it, but.

Like a younger Boris Johnson in looks or personality? Boris Johnson certainly wasn't kind to his ex-wives and children. I don't think that kindness is a quality particularly valued at Eton.

Could you live with the older Boris Johnson?

Because that's the real thing here. You need to pick someone you can live with. For a very long time.

You need to pick someone who you will be happy with in the trenches (early childhood years are very hard work even when you're head over heels).

You need to pick yourself someone who you can trust. Who makes you laugh. Who keeps you grounded. Who complements your strengths.

It's not unreasonable to want financial security and the ability to give your children choices. But it is unreasonable to only look for money and opportunity rather than an actual partner. Because you'd be taking away their chance to find an actual partner.

I think yabu to marry primarily based on money. I don't think there is anything wrong with it being a factor but there is little point being married to a millionaire who beats or emotionally abuses you.
Why not aim a bit higher, a nice person you are attracted to who treats you with respect and has reasonable career prospects.

Agreed. I tried it for a second and went cold.

If it’s wealth because they have a high flying career then it’s going to be you who has to give up your career and care for the kids

If it’s generational wealth then they are probably looking for someone who also comes from generational wealth

You have a career and you have Money. Why not find someone who can give you what you havent had in life. A loving family, Pils & Sils who can become your own family. A Man who wants to throw himself into the day to day family life, one who wants to go Part time when kids are young, do the drop offs, trips to the park etc.

Although that gentleman is probably even harder to find tbh. Worth their weight in gold though.

In answer to your question, OP, the man and his family you speak of (theoretically) can afford great divorce lawyers….

Sounds like you are looking for a rich sperm donor. What are you bringing to the table?

Money is not everything, choose your husband as if you are choosing who you will go to battle with, someone who will hold you, support you and have your back during the toughest periods of time.

So I don’t think your aspirations are terrible as such. It is certainly better to pick a partner who will provide etc.

I doubt you will find someone to marry you if those are your demands though. Most people like to believe that they are in it for the relationship not the money. So unless you’re going to trap someone and lie to them about your intentions I don’t think this will work.

Perhaps you need to just focus your dating pool in that area. Ie high end dating apps, go out in the right areas etc. and hope that you end up with both.

Personally I think you have to choose someone who is on the same page as you. I chose DH as he had the same attitudes to career, money, religion and politics. He was always going to be a high earner and have a good career, as like me, that's what he focussed on. If you aren't looking for someone so you can coast through life, but someone who has the same values and achievements I think that fine.

Yesss someone family orientated. I don't come from tight knit family, a bit (or alot) disfunction, my DH is same. I feel sad that my kids don't have close cousins and aunts to cherish and be cherished

In some ways there is no reason why a marriage based on finding a provider rather than the love of your life shouldn't work. As you have noticed these great love matches can wear very thin very quickly. As long as you like each other, enjoy each others company, have a lot in common, but lack the fireworks you may well grow into a more lasting love anyway.