AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

[QuaintFinch]

Please hear me out before passing judgement. My childhood was very rough, dad drank too much and left the home when I was 3, mum was on benefits and awful herself. I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Anyway fast forward to the present day and I've been far, far more successful in terms of education, career and finances than I could have ever imagined growing up. I want kids so am looking for a partner but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself (providing they are reasonably easy to get along with) opposed to stuff like having lots of money and coming from an elite family since this at least helps secure a future for any DC we have.

AIBU here? I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.

You are being intentionally obtuse. No one said they would marry an arsehole just as long as they had money. She said it’s her main criteria but that she’d have to get along with them.

why assume all rich men are wankers. That’s like saying all poor men are Ill-educated, lacking ambition and feckless. Neither stereotype is correct.

' people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.'

And you will be repeating their patterns if you move forward with your current idea. As other posters have said, get some therapy, it's hardly surprising you need it given your upbringing, there is no shame in it. But please, please, do not bring children into a loveless, convenient marriage, they don't derserve that kind of upbringing any more than you deserved yours.

Well you wouldn't be doing anything that hasn't been done my men and women for millennia however you may miss out on sharing life with someone you really love if you are already partnered up practically.

I have never met a child raised in a loveless, passionless marriage who is happy and well adjusted. Have you?

It does not matter how much money their parents have, how the arrangement came about, or what agreements were in place. They will grow up seeing that their mother and father do not care for one another beyond money and status.

The parents are unable to model a loving relationship to their children - an essential part of a child's psychological and emotional development. How do you think that affects them as they grow up and into adolescence and adulthood?

Well you are being honest - unless they want to marry though there’s not much surety about it - they could have pots and you won’t get a sniff of it if anything goes wrong - and even with kids plenty of well off men are very adapt at hiding money . Many women on here have been in relationships with comfortably off men from good families and ended up with next to jack shit when it went tits up. Marriage gives a bit more surety but the better off they are the less likely some will want to marry -and certainly not if they sniff a hint of gold digging .

Picking a rich, connected guy is no protection from many abusive situations.

If you are successful in your own right and not bothered about the guy, I wouldn't get married at all tbh. I'd just live together. Or have a baby on my own.

However, I am myself quite practical and obviously it's better to have money than not, all things being equal. And I don't think Love is the only basis for a successful marriage - love, in my experience, is not all you need. But nor is money.

@QuaintFinch

"to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person"

they should, at least, be kind?

All the rest, no problem

There are c-suite and high net worth dating sites. My former brother in law met his current wife using one. He is a pretty awful human being but she is apparently ok. They both work very long hours and rarely see each other. His kids are adults and avoid him. Her kids are late teens and live with the happy couple.

Well I'd aim for both as he could lose the money and you'd still presumably want your child to have an idea of what a loving relationship looks like. Plus have you ever met any of these men? They're usually awful and messed up from being sent to boarding school at 7. Not to mention that they wouldn't want to marry into your family.

This, apart from the fact that having sex with someone you aren't attracted to would be like rape

It's fairly usual for people to meet and marry in their own social circles. Nothing wrong with that expectation and people have been marrying for the reasons you've outlined for a long time.

But there appear to be a lot of demons to unpick from your past if you're also going to have something to offer the marriage. @something2say's comment upthread bears repeating: 'I would strongly advise you NOT to make lifetime decisions when you are still in the 'stop coping / start feeling' stage of healing. It is not fair to either party and you will only have Ito unpick the decision, at cost to yourself and others, and start over, but you will have wasted precious time'.

This is good advice. What you also need to remember is that tomorrow doesn't belong to us. Just as suddenly as attraction and love can be lost overnight, so can wealth and status. If you're reliant upon working for a living, as most of us are, all this would take is one diagnosis of a serious illness. If you ended up in that situation, what would be left?

In terms of my own experience, in the past three years I'm facing the axe hovering over my much-loved and valued career - I'm an academic and the whole UKHE system is at present in freefall - and my DH has faced a cancer diagnosis, the single worst thing that has happened to us as a couple. Depending upon the outcome of that diagnosis our whole outlook and prospects could have been changed overnight. When we are in our twenties and thirties we don't necessarily consider these possibilities as an immediate threat to the safety of our world. But sometimes, they are. No one knows what's around the corner. My money, job and status do matter to me, and I've lately been considering the person I would be without them. I now know that these are not the most important facets of my life, and would rather live on the poverty line in perpetuity than face the loss of my husband.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Are you unreasonable for wanting someone in a similar financial / social situation to you? No, not at all.
Are you unreasonable for making it the only criteria? Yes YABU. You should choose someone that you like and work well with and are sexually attracted to, at a minimum, for the sake of your future children growing up in a stable emotional environment if nothing else.
Are you unreasonable for looking for someone from an “elite family”?! Yes YABVVVVU. What is an elite family anyway?

Although it may sound fine theoretically, when you are in the trenches with a young child you will want a husband who is emotionally supportive, practical, and “hands on”. His high status/wealth will be poor compensation for someone who is nasty/lazy/arrogant when you are sleep deprived and dealing with a screaming baby. I think you can set your standards even higher - you want someone who is financially secure AND kind/dependable/loving.

If you find someone who meets your ideals , what if he falls in love with you but you just find him easy to get on with , not attractive ? He will eventually suss you out , and realise you're shallow .

As for elite families, they will have their fair share of fathers who 'drink too much' and mothers who are 'awful' .

I hope you change your mind over time .

It’s entirely reasonable for money to be a consideration. It’s likely to lead to much unhappiness if it’s the only thing you look for.

I entered marriage with a very practical, unromantic view of it. The marriage was fine but eventually for me it wasn’t sustainable to be with someone I wasn’t actually attracted to.

That said, I think age matters in this. I married young, in retrospect before I’d really finished maturing and certainly before I knew what I wanted sexually or romantically. I often wondered if I’d had some big love affair first in my 20s, got that out of my system, then gone for the sensible option in my 30s if it might have felt different and actually worked really well.

I wouldn’t worry about an elite family though. Apart from anything else, it sounds like you are not from such a family yourself, and there would likely be expectations for him of what background a suitable partner would have. Find someone who has a decent education, a decent job, and who shares your values. Be upfront about wanting a family and how you’d want that to look. There definitely are men out there who want something similar.

Last thoughts: it’ll massively help you in your quest if you live in a major city where ambitious people would go to build their careers. I know that sounds obvious but I have been shocked by the difference in the dating pool in different places. And if you’re not bothered about a partner for yourself have you considered having kids solo?

I read recenlt that it's better to cry in a Ferrari than a Mini and it makes perfect sense

Agree with this.

Do what you want to do OP, and learn not to share your business and preferences with others.

YANBU at all

Choose your life partner with your head as well as your heart.

But obviously an amenable personality, and strong values, are imperative. You can’t learn those and I don’t think you can live well without them. Of course the values include work ethic and ambition as much as loyalty and respect. GSOH also a plus. 😁

I think it’s pretty unfair on them. They deserve to have someone who loves them for who they are, not what they have.

I think it's a really good idea to have a list of things you really want a partner to have. I'd want someone who :

I found attractive
Had a cheerful disposition
Was intelligent and a good communicator
Had a good work ethic
Was able to give himself the sort of lifestyle he wanted
Wanted the same sort of lifestyle that I wanted
Kind - never underestimate that
Generous - didn't always put himself first
Had a loving family who I could have a nice relationship with

I'm not sure I'd want a relationship with someone who didn't have those qualities. I know I would want to get out of the relationship sooner or later, otherwise.

This

I can't vote tbh... I see your point. But, while I don't think you're being unreasonable, I don't think you're considering how a lifetime would look or feel with someone you aren't attracted to, have little in common with, or that potentially you dislike. What if he's an abuser? What if his values in terms of raising children don't align? How does money compare against living in a life without love and passion? I do think you need to seek some help (and I say that with care) to heal old wounds and see what's important. It's worth it, for your future children.

No offence but the sort of high-earning, high-status man you're after probably wouldn't be looking to marry someone from your background. Those sorts of men also marry for status of a different kind.

The absolute best way to secure a future for potential kids is finding a man who you get on with, is your best friend, you trust, isn’t abusive, you fancy and will work hard as a Dad and husband. Children thrive in secure 2 parent households where there is love. Excluding poverty etc I don’t think much else matters

I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well

Relationships breakdown for thousands of reasons. See where your superior attitude and marriage for status gets you, eh?