Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

Your boundaries are fine. Particularly the first one. I would be sad, if I was not the first to see my baby too.

It’s your baby and your body and it sounds like normal behaviour according to the things I read on Mumsnet. However, I don’t know anyone in real life who had ‘boundaries’ like this after giving birth.
Family member usually just want to congratulate parents and show some love to the new born baby, that’s not something to be wary of.

You may well be over- thinking things. It's a caesarean, you'll spend time in recovery with the baby and your DH. Rather than keep people away indefinitely, if they are decent humans it's better to talk to them about things you found helpful and unhelpful last time, then give them a chance, supervised by DH stepping in as needed. And if they aren't decent then why are you having them over at all?

Sounds 100% reasonable! You call the shots when you've had a baby - especially in these circumstances.

People are so bloody entitled & insensitive sometimes, when there's a newborn on the scene - they don't always consider the mum!!

Ok, so I’m usually that person on threads like these fully thinking wow that’s crazy behaviour…
but I see absolutely nothing wrong at all with any of the boundaries that you want, they are all perfectly reasonable, not over the top/high-maintenance at all and they all make perfect sense to me!

It’s more the fact that I don’t want to be asked straight away about seeing the baby if I am not well. If everything goes fine then I really don’t care.

I was anticipating voting YABU, as so many poster set ridiculous boundaries around childbirth - as though their child is the second coming - but given the circumstances you're not being unreasonable at all. Good luck for your cSection

I thought this was going to be the usual 'i don't want anyone looking at my baby for three months!' rubbish that we get sometimes, but actually, given your circumstances, I think you're sound. Of course you should get to see your baby before friends and family do. No visitors at the hospital is a bit unusual, but its about you recovering, so it's what works for you. How long do they keep you in after a CS these days?

All totally reasonable.

All of that sounds reasonable and not 1 bit controlling, let people know you want a "few days" to get yourselves sorted then you look forward to seeing everyone. Good luck with everything and look after yourself.

Sounds fine to me x I had GA for two of my sections, I was amazed how quickly I was awake x

if they are decent humans it's better to talk to them about things you found helpful and unhelpful last time, then give them a chance, supervised by DH stepping in as needed. And if they aren't decent then why are you having them over at all?

This is true, but for a person to be questioning whether their feelings, needs and wants are okay, they’re likely to have been brought up around people who haven’t respected them i.e. the not so decent humans.

OP, you’ll probably get loads of debate here about whether you’re being reasonable or not. People who have been loved and respected by their families might think you’re being unnecessarily firm or overthinking. People who have had experience of not so decent humans will understand exactly where you’re coming from.

You need to tap into what you feel and what’s right for you, and have the courage to hold firm to what you know is right for your particular situation.

Will your DH not be the messenger to share the good news with the anxious grandparents and immediate family? DH was on the phone to his parents and mine as soon as DT’s were born as both families were a plane trip away so would take them some time to get to us to come and visit their grandchildren.

Is there someone who could be there to support your DH? Someone you would be happy to help with the waiting and the baby.
Your requests are perfectly reasonable but I would also think about DH.

Totally reasonable. However, having some visitors at the hospital may be easier (to get them to leave) than having them at home. Only if everything goes to plan though.

Why would he need support?! He's not the one having a big procedure and she won't be out that long?

All seem very reasonable to me. As others say l often roll my eyes at the requests l see on here but what you have said is all fair enough

I often think women are being very precious with their post-partum demands but yours are 100% reasonable and sensible. Good luck with your birth! x

Sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible to me.

All these points are very reasonable, particularly the first one. I would have been furious if DH had been taking and sending photos of baby before I’d even held him!

Regarding visiting, I’d tell them that you might not be able to have visitors for a few days if you need a lot of medical attention.

@Anonforthisone1

It would be useful for both you and your husband to have the visiting conversation, pre-section, with both sets of your parents.

Your husband could then be the gateway to field any other requests from anyone else.

Because he’s likely to be worried about his wife?

I think these are reasonable…. To be honest if that was me I’d probably have more but I am a certified grumpy cow x

What does your husband think? Is it a unilateral decison on photos, or does he get a say?

I was actually quite grateful to have DSis and DM visit after my section, as they were more than happy to do some housework, or Laundry, and cook me food.