Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

Most very near family visit after surgery.

in many hospitals, they are thankfully not allowed. Other patients don't need that influx of unwanted visitors when they are resting. Communal wards are still very much a thing in England. Many don't allow visitors, or more than 1 visitor.

I wouldn’t set these firm boundaries in place ahead of time (except maybe the photos one if you’re unwell and haven’t met your baby yet) because you don’t know what you’ll need/want yet.

I would say to everyone “as you’re aware, my c section is high risk and because we don’t know what will happen, could you please be patient with us after the birth and we will let you know what we need and when. We know you’re very excited to meet the baby so we will let you know as soon as you can what we can manage around visits but we don’t want to make any arrangements ahead of time given the uncertain nature of the procedure”

Then tell your DH to direct any questions to him and what your boundaries are and let him be the one fielding any questions after the birth so you can focus on healing.

Your boundaries are all sensible. Apart from a very brief glimpse I didn’t get to meet my DS until he was 13hours old. Meanwhile DH and both sets of GPs spent hours gazing at him in his incubator. Luckily it was before camera phones so no photos shared.

Umm, no. If she cannot move for weeks, it will be fine for Dad to take baby on short outings (assuming breastfeeding, it will be pretty short). He also needs to bond with the baby. And she needs sleep and time to heal. It's not punishment for Dad to introduce the baby to his family and friends, assuming mum is out of hospital and recovering well and bonding well with baby.

I like the thought of wording it like this. thank you.

All completely reasonable. I had pph with dc1 and I was very poorly foe around a month after. Dc2 was thankfully straight forward birth and I was fine but dc wasn't. Nothing too serious just made it harder to establish breastfeeding.

I made it clear that were to be NO visits for the first 2 weeks. This even included my parents who live abroad. Everyone was amazing. MIL did a shop for us and deopped ready for the oven food to us, ran errands and even did the odd school run for us when dc2 arrived. Never once complained and came no further than the front hallway.

We were clear but kind. And we then had everyone over in dribs and drabs. It worked for us and empowered my SIL to set similar boundaries when she had her third.

This is your family and health and well being. Do whay feels right and if you feel well enough to have guests sooner than you can make that choice.

I wasn't comfortable with the wider family sewing me at my lowest and most vulnerable post delivery.

Good luck and stand strong x

I had 2 x EMCS under GA.

When I woke after the first one the baby was tightly wedged in next to nose to nose and was the first thing I saw, when I said “what is it” it was the baby’s sex I was asking about 😂

When I woke the from the second DH was standing right next to the bed holding the baby so again I saw them immediately. I don’t recall seeing anyone else on the first day.

Excuse the typos...toddler was helping

Totally sensible and fair. Best of luck x

Lots of mums, particularly breastfeeding mums, want and need to be physically close to their babies after birth. Babies who are BF and newborn do not feed on a schedule and may well want to be cluster feeding constantly, not taken out in the car with Dad. It’s unrealistic to separate a new baby and their mother. Have you never heard of the fourth trimester? All my maternal instincts would have fought this! About four weeks in, DH started to take baby for a walk in the pram while I had a bath, but before that I needed her close to me.

@GinnyandGeorgia They don’t all visit at once! They do allow parents and DH to visit and then others in the forthcoming days at visiting time. Relatives stick by the rules but can visit.

Those boundaries sound totally fine and reasonable

what do you mean, umm no.

It's not up to YOU, mind giving the actual mum a choice on what she feels more comfortable with 😂

I am saying it's absolutely fine for a mum to feel the way she feels. If she's more comfortable with baby nearby, that's fine. Dad can bond at home. How does a mum on a bed rest manage?

It's not up to the dad to decide alone if he can take the baby away! Treating the mother like an actual human being and letting her in charge of her own baby would be a start.

thankfully not everywhere.

You have mothers complaining that they are not comfortable if someone else' s partner is around, you can't have completely random visitors allowed.

Maybe OP could get a private room? More control then.

I think you’re being completely reasonable. The photo thing especially - I can completely understand that. Yours is not a typical birth situation and you don’t know yet how things will go. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and recovery will be great, and you may well feel absolutely fine and change your mind about some things. But setting boundaries from the beginning isn’t a bad idea. I hope everything goes well.

They sound absolutely fine to me op

stick to them xx

Sounds reasonable and I'm also someone who often thinks people ABU with their new baby boundaries!

Re: photos, when you discuss it with your husband, maybe make it clear whether you don't want him to take any pictures or just not share them? I had an EMCS and didn't see my baby for an hour or so but I really like looking at the pics my husband took straight after birth - baby was all cleaned up an hour later so I didn't see the "completely fresh" version :) He might not naturally take any pics if he isn't intending to directly send them to someone.

This is all very normal!

Your boundaries sound perfectly reasonable

Having a baby is likely to be one of the most vulnerable experiences of your life. It’s therefore very reasonable to have some boundaries around that. Of course you don’t want anyone to see your precious baby before you do. You’ll likely find though that you’re keen for people to visit but it’s always good to manage expectations in case you are not.

I had no visitors at the hospital I just wanted it to be me and my husband, I also had no visitors for the first week after I came home, I was very sick and need time to recover. People were none stop texting and calling me though so next time I won't even tell anyone when I've given birth until I'm ready.

If OP's husband is sending photos of the baby to people before his wife has even seen the baby, he would be unkind and unreasonable.

Those sounds absolutely fine. Anyone with a decent bone in their body should totally respect these boundaries! Personally I never rock up and visit anyone with a new baby until they say they would like a visit and when I do I try to be helpful and not a burden !

OP has said that she might be very ill afterwards (she has a bleeding disorder) and may need a blood transfusion and/or a hysterectomy. In that case, she would be reasonable to put off visitors for a while until she feels well enough.