Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

Don't tell anyone the date?

Under the circumstances, I think your boundaries are completely sound and very understandable. Because you have so little control over what's going to happen during the birth you feel a completely relatable need to exercise some control over those elements where you do have agency. And if people don't or can't accept that - fuck 'em! I hope that everything goes really well for you OP and that you get to see your baby really soon after he's born.

I think you are totally reasonable and am surprised anyone would think you’re not!!!

Sounds completely reasonable to me, and it will be easier to relax strictly boundaries (if YOU want to) than impose them after the fact 😉

Sounds entirely reasonable, your body, your birth, your baby.
Plans don't need to be set in stone though. You might sail through the delivery and feel fine in a day or so. But I would absolutely insist on no baby photo's until you've fully met your own DC. Would be awful to get a msg saying he/she is gorgeous and just like xyz - and you've only just woke up!

Of course there should be no pictures till you have met the baby.
I think you need to tell people that as much as this is you having a baby it is also a major medical event and they need to realise that you are recovering from something big. You are, temporarily, as much an invalid as a new mum.

My DIL had a very bad time in labour pre eclampsia so rushed to theatre. She was out of it for a few days in the hospital and a few weeks at home. She just wanted her mum. We did see her briefly, met the baby. We were shocked how ill she looked. Her mum looked after her all day until my son got home. No-one saw them until she had recovered.

So no husband can fend off any pushy relatives, friends until you're ready.

Chances are a picture will be sent within hours of the birth. I just want to meet him
first.

Of course you do, OP. You’re not remotely controlling, you’re advocating for yourself and getting organised.

I hope you partner is on the same page. If there are any particularly bolshy members of the family, talk about them with your partner and ask him to put you first, if there’s a chance he’ll get swayed.

You’re really not controlling though. You’ve got a big thing to go through and it’s risky. It’s scary. And this is really all about you. Good luck, I hope it goes brilliantly.

Another one who often rolls my eyes at some of these 'boundary' threads. A particular high (low?) point was the maternity leave poster who wanted her husband to egress the house via a living room window on his way to work every morning, to avoid waking her up by using the front door.

This OP sounds perfectly reasonable.

Completely understandable!!

I was fully expecting you to not be reasonable but this is all valid. I had a C section under general and didnt meet baby for 7 hours after birth. I would be gutted if others did (apart from dh)

You’re kidding!! That’s hilarious

I think rather than boundaries, if they're decent humans you get along with a conversation would be better.

I 1,000,000% wouldn't want people holding and taking pictures of my baby I haven't met. But if there is a decent chance of you being very unwell, there is also a chance that your DP may need support for himself. He could be holding his new baby, while his wife is still in surgery possibly (though hopefully not) with surgeons battling to save your life while hemorrhaging. He's scared and alone potentially for hours worrying. So I think you also need to have a chat with him about what may happen in different circumstances.

I also wouldn't put time frames on things, just say you'll invite people when you're ready, and that you feel like last time you pushed yourself into visitors too quick after pph and that it really set you back recovery wise. That way if you're in for a week and you're bored out of your mind you're not going back on yourself inviting people in.

And mainly you need DP onside to be the one holding the fort while you recover so you don't have loads messaging you.

All sounds very normal.
As a sidenote, I don't understand people who want visitors in hospital immediately after giving birth. You're still in pain, don't feel 100% clean, aren't relaxed and are exhausted. Who wants relatives visiting in this scenario?!

Me too! 😂

As it’s a general it’s different the baby will be given to birth partner and then once they have finished everything and your awake in recovery then the baby comes back into the room.

I didn’t see my son until an hour after mine.

It depends what's going on. I was in for a couple of days and the care in the postnatal ward was absolutely shite.

I'd had an EMCS, I wanted to shower. No one was going to help me, so I had to ask DH to. But that meant trying to pile me, DH and the bassinet with baby in into the small bathroom and DH was trying to both make sure I didn't injure myself trying to shower/dry/re-dress and look after the baby that woke screaming if you dared put down in bassinet. I literally invited family members in so they could coo over baby while I was able to shower with DHs undivided attention and help.

All of what you have listed as boundaries you want to set out is just normal behaviour and basic levels of respect a d consideration that you’d expect from people as a matter of course, without having to set it out as boundaries.

The fact you feel you have to do that indicates that there are some very disrespectful, selfish people in your immediate family.

The fact you’re questioning even whether it’s reasonable to have these boundaries - which are just basic expectations of decent behaviour, i.e. that nobody would do any of the things you’ve mentioned without asking you first/ being invited - is also worrying because it indicates that you’ve been subjected to being pressured into things you don’t want and cross normal behavioural boundaries many times previously, to the extent that you’re now questioning you own judgement about what normal behaviour from others looks like and worrying you’re in the wrong for expecting this basic level of respect and consideration.

Hold absolutely firm on these boundaries and don’t question your judgement. In such a stressful situation everyone else’s primary concern should be about supporting you and given you what you need, asking you what you want, if they were decent people.

After you’ve recovered from the birth I’d do some thinking about whether you want people in your life who make you question whether expecting basic reasonable!!

I hope the birth goes well.

I really wish you well with this birth. It sounds tough and if you have had pph before you'll know what it can be like. If people haven't been all that considerate before, then it sounds like boundaries are exactly what you need. Just make sure that you are not excluding the kind of help that could actually be a boon for you. Of course your recovery and your relationship with your new child come first.

You are 100% spot on here stick to it and don't care what other people say and tell dp criticizes you to stand up for you and say she's about to go through a very scary operation that might be hard to recover from, to be honest I'll have my hands full with a baby to look after waiting for my unconscious partner to recover then looking after her so will have no hands free for immediate photos, no one knows when they'll be ready to host after surgery but I will make sure I
(Then he can say he'll let them know when baby is here and that you're both fine, do a video call with the baby as soon as you're better and at home
Etc) maybe you could set up a baby WhatsApp group with both of your closest families that you're both in and he can send updates to that
But no photos until you're better.

Also please don't tell anyone the c section date just the due date this will solve a lot of problems x

I think most of my friends and family had had kids by the time I did and said 'let us know when you're ready for a visit' rather than I want to come today /tmo, but op knows from prior experience that their family weren't sensitive so they absolutely shouldn't be trusted to be in her vulnerable post op bubble

This is a good point you might be asleep for hours but it would feel like a second

I don't mean this in a bad way but just curious why on earth your mum was at the hospital when you don't have a great relationship with her? In your shoes I wouldn't invite her

If you get on very well with your mum or have a best friend, you might want to have one of them booked in IF needed to do a shift with you to send your DP home for a few hours to rest so he's more useful to you when you do go back to the house

Your MIL sounds fab and doing exactly what I will do for my sons first baby

I think also you need to differentiate helpers and visitors. You know which people will be.
I didn't have a partner at my c section as he had just walked out a few weeks before (hence my username) but I was very clear on saying 'who's helping me' and 'mums helping me during the day until 4, friend X is doing 4-7 and (wonderful) friend y is doing the overnight shift'
That way people who just wanted to see the baby were quite clear that anyone with me was there to work and do stuff for me rather than just cuddle the baby and chat and then leave