Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

That sounds perfectly reasonable, good look with the GA, they can be stressful.

If OP is breastfeeding, she won't want her DH taking her baby down the pub. If OP is poorly after the birth, he should be by her side, helping her care for the baby.

Sounds like my third. I also banned visitors as I really did not want anyone seeing me having blood transfusions, possibly in ICU and looking and feeling like death. in fact I was not even sure I would survive and just hoped my son might. The theatre was extra full with NNICU team, surgical team and heamotolgy team with a blood bikes runner on standby to fetch extra blood outside the theatre.
I did ask for my DH to see and hold son if he did not need to go straight to NNICU. I did not see him for seven hours as I kept zonking out after the GA as the CSec took longer than expected. DH took photos for me.
The only visitor I allowed in the first 24 hours was my MIL because she was on a visit from the states and was flying back the next day and we would not see her for another year. Everyone else except immediate family who I knew would help we’re kept away by DH as I really needed the recovery time.
It took a further two weeks after before I felt I could do some things for myself and six weeks to be able to lift my son on my own ( more complex csec than you have for a simple safe delivery plus drugs from haematologist knocking me for six).

I truly hope all goes well for you and that any PPH can be managed safely and that you do not need lots of blood units. may your much wanted baby arrive safe and well enough not to need NNICU and may you see much wanted baby as soon as you can keep your eyes open post GA.

(PS take any offered extra pain relief meds if your looking at a more complex csec and any drugs the haematologist recommends to avoid severe PPHs)

I was anticipating voting YABU, as so many poster set ridiculous boundaries around childbirth - as though their child is the second coming - but given the circumstances you're not being unreasonable at all. Good luck for your cSection

Likewise, I read some ridiculous boundaries on here, like, immediate family not allowed to feed the baby, hold the baby, change their nappy. Nobody to visit in the first month. And that means nobody. I mean, everybody's read these totally unreasonable posts.

Your boundaries sound absolutely normal to me. I would certainly be gutted if loads of people saw my baby before I did. I had a c-section under general anaesthesia and am still a bit miffed that dh held her before I did. She's 38 now.
You are totally justified OP.

Perfectly fine, I hope all goes well.

I think the photo issue is easy to manage as presumably your dh is the only person taking photos and requesting they are sent to other people only after you have seen the baby is completely reasonable.
re visits I would follow the wait and see approach that a pp mentioned.ie we would love to see you, but I the delivery is high risk and we will keep you updated.
i had an emergency section under ga and did not want any visitors. Fortunately we were living overseas at the time and nobody was able to drop by the hospital.

This is great advice and by keeping the discussion quite general, you don't open yourself up to being challenged and needing to justify decisions. If you say now, no visits for the first week, you'll possibly have people saying that's too long, can we come day 3 or 4 or saying you said 7 days when you might not be ready when the time comes. Or, like on this thread, maybe dad can just bring baby to us then? It's perfectly fair to say we'll let you know what we need and when we're ready for visits then you can play it by ear. You never know, you might be feeling great and desperate to show off baby or you might need longer.

I had a difficult postpartum for various reasons and "we'll let you know when/what...." is a really helpful tool to kindly set some boundaries and give yourself some space until you're ready.

Completely reasonable op. Especially point 1.

Bless you. Yanbu.
It's understandable you are worried about this. I'm sure it'll be fine but having a plan is a good idea.

Absolutely fine to do this, makes me wonder who would ever vote YABU! Hoping for a safe delivery and healing recovery time for you @Anonforthisone1 xoxo

I didn’t tell people they couldn’t come but I also didn’t welcome people until I felt ready with my second and that was just because I wanted some time to physically and mentally recover (and from a very basic and straightforward birth). You are not being unreasonable at all.

I’m not sure I could forgive that! How dare they!

@Anonforthisone1 think it is the grandparents who will need the boundaries more than the normal visitors, have you thought about not telling anyone of the birth for a week to get back to semi normal??

All perfectly reasonable. Don't use the word "boundaries" when talking to people about it as it puts people's backs up and they don't listen.

Tell them you'll let them know about visitors after you have your already extra high risk major surgery.

Make sure your husband is fully on board and understands the assignment. You wishes are your needs. Your needs are his priority so you can safely birth your child. YANBU. Good luck.

I sincerely hope that everyone resepcts your very reasonable requests. Good luck when the time comes, hope all goes as smoothly as possible and you make a good recovery

I had an EMCS and I absolutely agree with the photos as only DH saw baby before me. I had lots of visitors when I was in hospital, I found it easier as strict visiting times, MIL couldn't be too dramatic with witnesses. Then I got home and had a few quiet days before we had any visitors.

I think we can all view things differently but for me visitors in hospital was definitely better but if it doesn't suit you then you do what does. The nice thing about hospital is no one is expecting to be entertained.

I had an emergency c-section but was lucky enough for it to be done with an epidural so I saw my son almost immediately. It was actually really nice for my husband to be the first to hold him for quite a while afterwards while they were putting my insides back together!

I had just my parents & best friend visit while I was in hospital (3 days - they both asked if it was OK) & then we had a blissful few days alone until PIL, SIL with her 2 young kids & other SIL/BIL descended for an entire bloody Saturday - exactly 1wk after birth!

They live 2hrs drive away & I don't actually recall us being asked at all - it was just sort of assumed on their part, when my husband rang to tell them the news, that they'd come at the earliest opportunity, which was the weekend, due to work/school.

It was utterly fucking exhausting & I wished I'd been myself enough to put them all off for at least another week. I was still in pain/discomfort & finding moving around quite a drag. My son was still getting to grips with feeding & needed complete calm/quiet, otherwise he just screamed.

My niece/nephew needed entertaining, so they whined & kicked a football around our garden & properly wound the poor dog up. Everyone wanted endless drinks & all the women just wanted to pass the baby round like he was a bloody prize.

My MIL thought she was making it easy for me by bringing a load of buffet food & preparing it in my kitchen but all that actually did was really irritate me - she kept asking where things were, made such a mess, put stuff back in the wrong place, moved all the food on my fridge around, etc. I know she was trying to be nice & reading this back, I sound a right cow, but I was sore, hormonal, knackered & just wanted everyone to fuck off!! 😮‍💨

Yes but these things seem like reasonable requests, given the circumstances around this particular birth.

Really? If you look at my posts on here you will se that I am totally in favour of people being able to make, and stand by, their own decisions. However, the thought of a loving grandparent not being told about a new baby for a week, makes me feel uncomfortable. I am a grandparent and if that had happened to me, I would have felt very hurt and upset. I can understand a new mum wanting space, but I think perhaps this is going a bit too far.
Just advise everyone of the birth and say that you would like some time alone with your husband and baby and will let people know when you are up for visits.
My granddaughter did this. She wanted three days alone with her husband and new baby. We all respected that, and it was fine. We have all had lots of chances to see them once she was ready, and she didn’t resent us for insisting on seeing them.

Will you definitely be under a general? I lost a lot of blood during my caesarean and needed a transfusion but I didn’t get put under so saw the baby immediately. But no, YANBU.

Oh the other thing with me was my babies were the most beautiful perfect creatures in the world and I couldn't wait to show them off. Maybe I'm just a show off but do bear in mind when the time comes you might feel like being a show off like me and actually want to show them off. Great to have a plan but nothing wrong with being flexible if your feelings change.

I think you are very reasonable. No one has to see your baby until you have. And even when you have they can wait till you feel up to sharing a photo.

No hospital visitors is exactly what I did 2nd/3rd time round…I don’t need my DB or DBin law there as I try and establish BF. Or anyone there when all I need is sleep! Visitors after a baby are hell in my opinion!

And when you get home of course it should be on your terms. But if they come earlier than wanted just disappear to your room with baby for a nap.

leave them to do dishes and help out!

I’m usually an eye roller but this all seems sensible and not in the least diva-ish. If I were you I’d welcome visitors who will actually help - you know who those are.

As someone who had a high risk section and baby went to nicu, I didn’t see him for ages and I also would have been devastated if everyone had seen pics before me. The visitor rules are fine too, you haven’t said no visitors, your said when you feel up to it which could be 2 days or two weeks, but you will decide when you know how you are!

yes I am not allowed a spinal due to the bleeding disorder (risk of bleeding to the spine) I have no choice but to be put under.