Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

I hope you are. She is an incredible woman and a wonderful mother, grandmother and MIL. She just makes me want to be a better human. She even paid for a cleaner to help us out for the first 3 months postpartum so we could stay in the new born bubble for as long as possible.

Some people on this thread are seriously lacking in the empathy department.

For your circumstances op everything you've said is reasonable.

Admittedly my children were born slightly pre smart phone (although we all had camera phones), but there were no photos shared until at least day 2 ... we called parents and told them and the first time they saw them was in person. This is a conversation to have with your husband - he can ring and let them know once it's all ok - and maybe don't tell them the planned date??

While I understand you need time to recover, if you are generally close with them, do remember that you are still your parents' baby and they will want to see YOU. And also that your husband may need some extra emotional support if you are poorly.

Otherwise absolutely everyone should be patient and come to you.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I didn't invite her - my sister (who was my birth partner) rang the family home in a panic when I was rushed to theatre. Hence the entire family descending en masse.

With hindsight, I chose my birth partner poorly. I adore my sister but she wasn't the right person to advocate for me. In my defence, I was only 22 at the time.

I was also still living at home with my parents so didn't have the ability (or the boundaries) to be no contact with my mum.

'Controlling' is being used here as a Bad Thing. Just have the temerity to say what you want to get out of a situation and - aaaaagh! You're controlling! How could you! People will tell you you're controlling when in fact it's they who want to control you, by getting you to do what they want. Please don't fall for this manipulation.

You are not being unreasonable. Even without any of the circumstances surrounding your birth, you are not being unreasonable in my opinion.

All very reasonable. You are going to be having major surgery. You’ll need to be able to recover as you need.

I also would not want people seeing my baby before getting the chance to see them myself.

not at all unreasonable I think! Sensible in fact!

I’m normally one for a low key eye roll when people who have totally straight forward experiences start setting bizarre boundaries (and even then I accept them as the person’s choice even if I think they’re silly), but your case is completely different! You haven’t said anything at all unreasonable, especially the point about photos, you should absolutely be the first to see your precious new baby! I really hope everything goes smoothly for you and you get lots of support, and you and your wee family will be home in no time xx

FFS family & friends are NOT randoms.

i agree the OP should see the baby first, but a chat to DH should clear that up, in his excitement to show his parents he might not think about it like that.

@Anonforthisone1 they are very reasonable 'boundaries' but I might word them a little differently.

It does depend on you & your friends/family though as I would have wanted my parents there & my best friend.

This seems totally appropriate. Surely people wait to be asked / agree a time for visiting and should take their lead from you. Sending happy vibes hope all goes well

Your boundaries are absolutely reasonable and sensible OP.
It makes me sad and angry that women are routinely vilified and mocked on here for asking for space and respect during and after childbirth.
How dare anyone else criticise a woman asking for what she needs in that situation. It’s her that’s gone through a major physical and emotional experience and her who needs to recover and process. Yes there’s a new baby and everyone is excited but their excitement has to come after the needs of mum, baby and dad.

I find it toxic to expect otherwise.

I clicked on this fully expecting it to be unreasonable but I don’t think any of these are. With the second two, I’d prepare people that you likely won’t want visitors but keep it open. I had pph after my first birth and desperately needed the extra support both in the hospital and at home as I felt so weak and drained. However it was 2020 and I couldn’t have anyone, it was a very challenging time.

It sounds fine to me. Say what is important to you. Maybe write it down and look at it in a couple of days and see if it still feels so important. If you don’t speak up you will regret it.

After I had my first child my partner phoned his mother and said that our baby had been born and we were well etc and not to come in yet coz I was knackered and in a corridor and he would be in contact. Of course she came barging in within an hour with a big ‘I couldn’t keep away’. She just picked our baby up and started walking up and down the wards and corridor. She held my baby before me and I have never forgotten it.

The visitors thing is entirely reasonable, if you’re not in a mental or physical state to have visitors then so be it.

The photo thing, however, is rather silly, it doesn’t make the slightest difference whether you are the first to see the baby or not (in fact as a c-section, they’ll be passed over to you and your partner at the same time, and it’s quite likely that your partner will be carrying him around to be checked, etc as you’ll be flat on your back being stitched up).

I mean how far do you take that? Should parents see them before friends, close friends before less close friends, etc. can your DH send a picture to his parents if you’re unavailable, or do they have to wait to see their grandchild until you give the say so??

It really doesn’t matter at all, it’s a picture.

I was quite ill with first and dh needed his mums support while I was ill in hospital and very traumatised after birth. He supported me then he would go out to his mum for cuddle and a pep talk. She never came in, never asked to see baby as she was there to support dh and she was fab. Fil was coffee delivery person. Dh says he was so glad they were there to support him.

i am going to be asleep when I give birth under general. He won’t be passed to me and my dp. My dp will be out of the room waiting for baby to be handed to him once he has been checked and swaddled) I will not hear his first cry, I will not see my dp meet dc, I will most likely not see him weighed. I could be out for a couple hours (hopefully won’t be that long) and the thought of lots of people seeing a picture of my son before me makes me want to cry. It doesn’t feel like just a picture to me. I just want to be able to see him before everyone else. It doesn’t feel silly to me.

OP I usually think people are being precious but this is totally reasonable. Your situation sounds stressful and I wish you all the best!

I think thats fine that you want to be the first 1/2 people to see your baby.

Do you have FVL? There was a chance I would have a C section under GA (ended up vaginally instead) the dr warned DH that baby sometimes need more oxygen/help getting going from GA C sec which can alarm dads if they aren't briefed ahead of time, just an FYI in case helpful!

It absolutely blows my mind that anyone would question your desire to limit the amount of people who see your child via a photo before you get a chance to lay your own eyes on the child that YOU grew, nurtured and longed for the arrival of.

It sounds OK to me - provided you say it nicely and explain that it will be an overwhelming time for you and you will need peace and relaxation.

When I had an operation many years ago, my Mum and Dad travelled to see me before the op. I had had the pre-med and was feeling very sleepy but felt I had to try and talk to my parents. I felt very rude and uncomfortable about that. They did it with the very best intentions but it was hard.

When I read your title I thought oh no another no inlaw visits for 6 months, maternal GP’s allowed in the delivery suite but I was wrong, I think your boundaries are absolutely fine.

I think you are fine. Tell your birth partner that you are happy with them sending a text saying something like

“ @Anonforthisone1 and I are delighted to announce the baby was born this am at ten past ten, @Anonforthisone1 and the baby are both well, pictures to follow”

edited to remove too many fine!

You are being very controlling.
But it’s understandable as you go into a situation you have no control over.
Give yourself permission to set boundaries but also relax them quickly afterwards because all has gone well.