Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

Very reasonable.
We had a no birth announcements/ pictures on social media rule for our families and I met my baby straight away! I just didn't want everyone posting public pictures of him and announcing they'd become an auntie etc.. on fb before I'd got my bearings.
Also we just had our parents visit in the hospital and everyone else had to wait until we got home. I didn't want everyone coming to the hospital. (Both from big families with lots of siblings nieces/nephews.. So I just did a blanket "only our parents at the hospital" rule.)

And because it’s just a picture, and it doesn’t really matter, it’s also ok to delay sending photos for a few hours right? I mean none will see their life irremediably changed if they wait a couple of hours or even half a day.

Not so long ago, you wouldn’t see any photos for days. My oldest dc was born early 2000. We still had dial up internet. My parents didn’t get pictures for a few days by email (had to stay in hospital for a few days). Nor did my parents in law (who didn’t have a computer!). They didn’t die.
Nor will anyone Nowdays not receiving a photo 10 mins after the birth.

Totally different circumstances but no one got sent a photo of my second child till my first born had met them. It was important to us as a family of three growing to a family of four that we all met the new little one first. Baby arrived around 10am. I had to go to theatre afterwards so my firstborn didn't meet the baby till 2pm ish. We never felt the need to set this as a boundary. Just said on the day once dc1 has met them a photo will be sent.

I guess it very much depends on the family dynamics. You must of had previous issues to be concerned.

I wish you a smooth birth and speedy postpartum recovery x

YANBU at all. Good luck xxx

I can understand you wanting to meet your baby before pics get sent out, but as long as your partner knows this then it won't happen. As he will be the only person likely to take pics.

No YANBU. Why should everyone else get to see your new baby before you do? Perfectly reasonable request in my opinion.

@Anonforthisone1 YOU need to get your partner on board with you here. absolutely no visitors and no pics to be sent to anyone at all, and that includes grandparents. you have the right to see your baby and start bonding before anyone else sees baby.

We can be friends!!! Girl set those boundary’s ensure everyone understands and gets the memo!!! I say to all my friends be selfish and do it now before people try and take over! When my first was born we didn’t feed on demand and had a schedule from the moment we walked though our front door, people would literally need appointments ok by me! Wash you hands no kissing no sending pics to others unless I ok!. I don’t even care if they thought I was crazy! We visited husbands elderly nan and wanted to feed her… she started crying as soon as she held her (strong perfume) and all Nan kept saying was aw let me feed her shel be ok then. She was due a feed 3 hours later!!!! I said no at least 5 times before I took her back soothed her and she fell asleep. Yes I could have let her feed her but it wasn’t on MY SCHEDULE and why would I make extra work for myself being off schedule causing problems! No no no. Huni do you and just make sure your husband is on same page in same book. You may need back up.

Yes I think you’re being reasonable.
I’d say to DP to take photos to show you when you wake but please don’t send to anyone until I’m awake and have held our baby!….
Personally I think it’s normal curtesy to not send pictures and to let you rest.. anyone who sees it differently is a dick and I wouldn’t want them in my life at all.
Your DP should send a simple message after the birth purely saying baby is born, mum is recovering.. photons and updates to follow when @Anonforthisone1 is awake and has met him/her

Thank for all your comments

i tbink we are gonna play the visitor thing by ear and probably send a message along the lines of we will let people know when I am well enough for visitors which will hopefully be within a few days.

must admit the being called silly for not wanting to the entire family to see a picture of the baby before I am awake and able to meet him did make feel abit crap. I really am just trying to prevent any possibility of ppd and I think knowing that me and my oh were the first people to meet him (like it normally is) will help me a lot. I am honestly very scared by all this and do agree with the poster that says that I am probably trying to gain abit of control back on a situation I feel completely not in control.

You are doing everything right. Post birth hormones heighten everything at the best of times, and your situation has added stress; so best to get these things in place so you and those around you can be confident that you're adamant about your wishes, with no wiggle room when you're most vulnerable. Ignore the naysayers on here. I hope your experience goes well.

This. Exactly.

Good luck. I hope it goes well and you recover quickly and beautifully.

That's why it's good for you both to chat about different scenarios before the birth.

All well and you meet baby 1 hour after birth? Obviously there's no need for anyone to even know baby has been born until after you meet them.

If things go wrong and you're in a coma for a week? If baby is healthy and able to go home it just isn't feasible to suggest your partner looks after baby and any other kids completely solo for a week while worrying about you. They'd need help. If they're decent people absolutely no one will be deriving any satisfaction from the circumstances, they'd much rather baby was with their mum.

Whatever happens your baby will know you're their mum, they have grown inside you for the past 9 months. They know your voice, they're already bonded to you.

@Anonforthisone1OP do not for one second take a blind bit of notice of a single person here who has made you feel silly for wanting to see your own baby before everyone else. Your boundaries are an absolutely fine. It’s YOU who is going through this and YOUR BABY.

Screw everyone else.

I hate these threads as they always bring out the entitled granny’s.

Congratulations OP, I sincerely hope everyone respects your boundaries and I wish you a smooth section and a speedy recovery xx

Obviously if I am not awake for a long time then this will need to be reviewed logically by dp but I am just hoping that won’t happen

Completely sensible OP. I'm another one who was expecting to say you're being daft, but in the circumstances I think you're completely right.

I also think it's quite telling that those who are disagreeing with you haven't read the OP properly!

You would not be silly to want to see your little baby before others see photos, my god. This is high stakes stuff and your wishes are important. Good luck to you all

No it doesn’t. No one NEEDS to see your baby before you except the medical people involved (and obviously your husband)

There is absolutely no reason why everyone else can’t wait.

I also can’t imagine why anyone who actually cares about you would not understand this.

It's not because they need to see the baby, it's because her partner needs help.

If OP was in a coma for the week, no one needs to see the baby, but her partner would struggle solo parenting newborn and older child while also worrying about OP. They'd be there to help him, not to see the baby. The same way it's perfectly fine for a new mum to want a relative such as their mum to come help look after them for them rather than for them to be coming to see baby.

Then they show up to help with the toddler. Have them to stay with them.

OP I'm a little confused about the logistics here.

After a GA I'm assuming you would be awake and able to meet your baby fairly quickly, within around 2 hours?

Can your DP not just message parents/whoever else to say "all went well and baby is here - details to come once @Anonforthisone1 is awake"?

When I had both my births - straightforward ones - we did not ring our parents until 2-3 hours afterwards once I was stitched up, and had eaten and showered.

I do not think there is anything wrong with you wanting to wait for photos etc - I'm just wondering why you appear to feel like your DP will need to send photos etc the moment baby is passed to him? Especially if you keep time/date of op to yourselves. What does he say about this?

@Anonforthisone1 I have no advice to add but I just want to wish you well with everything and fwiw I don't think that yabu at all and that you also sound like a lovely DIL.

Yes probably will be a couple hours but there is a chance if I have a severe pph it could be longer.

this probably does stem from what happened with ex and his family when my dd was born. He sent a picture and announcement without me knowing within 5 mins of her being born while I was having a pretty bad pph. After his mother started chain calling and messaging until exh answered saying she was on the way to the hospital to meet her. She arrived at labour ward while they were still stitching me up (natural birth but I tore) and then she met her but I was not in a good place so I think as I know what overexcited gp can look like I am worried this could happen again.

Oh that's horrible. I'm sorry that happened to you.

You need a conversation with your partner, and explain this to him, why this is important to you and how much it upset you before. Hopefully he will be fully supportive.

Wishing you so much luck for a healthy delivery x

I think you are being completely reasonable here. You have inferred you've been called silly for wanting that. Just to be clear, you are not in the slightest and you are also being pragmatic that should something go quite wrong and you be quite unwell for a period of time, your husband will need support with the toddler.

So I would build on the earlier suggestion with
"As you’re aware, my c section is high risk and because we don’t know what will happen, could you please be patient with us after the birth and we will let you know what we need and when. We know you’re very excited to meet the baby so we will let you know as soon as it is practical what we can manage around visits either in the hospital or at home, BUT we don’t want to make any arrangements ahead of time given the uncertain nature of the procedure. We would really appreciate it if you could respect this. It was upsetting last time around to find photos of <child> had been widely shared before I'd even regained consciousness and met him/her myself.
Obviously, if the worst happens all bets are off as DH will need your support with <child 1> while he is in the hospital with me and our new baby. I would still appreciate if pics were kept within immediate family and not shared onwards until I am stable and able to meet my own baby. Thanks

They might call that controlling. If they do, they are being utter arses and you owe them nothing. Be as clear and firm as you want, this is your high risk delivery and they can all FF off.