Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

This is worth considering. Midwives chuck them out for you.

You are absolutely entitled to feel you don’t want anyone else to see your baby before you are able to.
Does your husband disagree with this because I think that is out of order.
I would be telling close family and friends of your boundaries, say you will play it by ear but this is possibly what will be happening and you want people to respect that.

Totally normal, healthy and reasonable boundaries.

All entirely reasonable. Your husband may feel alot of pressure after birth to bend these stipulations so do make it clear you feel very strongly about them and you want to be a team with him

You are 100 % ok on this. Your husbands focus should be on you and your baby. He needs to be ready to say - ‘we’ll let you know when xxx is feeling ok and ready for visitors’ and to stick to it.

you might feel great by the way so please don’t worry too much - I had a c section and weirdly felt ok - it was a relief not to be pregnant any more.

Of course it should be her say. She's the one giving birth. You don't think she should get to see their baby before family members?

Well said!

Some people have no clue what it’s like coming from a toxic family where your boundaries and voice was repeatedly stomped on or dismissed and if you’re already struggling after birth, it’s another ordeal to have to deal with.

Thanks for explaining and I hope all goes well for you and your baby!

He's not the one going through childbirth - in this context (and this context only) he doesn't matter that much.

I am all for equal parents, but not when there's only one recovering from childbirth or like here, major surgery.

you know what I found sad?

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him.

that you need to make such requests.
Of course a mum should be allowed to see her child first, before any random sees photos! It's depressing if it even needs to be said, but well done for planning it.

I would find it massively unreasonable if your husband was even thinking about sharing photos before you even met your own child - hopefully it wouldn't even have occured to him anyway

You are being very reasonable and anyone that says otherwise can get stuffed.

I would have far, far more boundaries than you and actually most of my friend group did. They all had rules that most of MN would get very up in arms over lol.

In real life it is normal to have certain boundaries and you'll learn quickly who the genuine people in your life are, by the respect you are given. Going forwards those are the people to surround yourself with as little one grows up ❤️

In this case he shouldn't need to get a say. Who in their right mind would think it was appropriate for grandparents and the wider family to see the baby when his/her Mum hasn't.

The photo bit of fine. Making people wait weeks to see you baby is just nuts.

All pregnant mothers should make sure their birth partner knows not to send photos/allow visitors if there is a planned or unplanned section.

I had DD by EmCS under GA and was wheeled onto the ward to see my mum (who I didn't have a great relationship with) holding my newborn - that was my first sight of my first baby. Six other family members were also there and only one of them was my birth partner.

Thankfully (and miraculously), this didn't affect my bond with DD but it absolutely could have, especially when combined with the shock of a traumatic birth and emergency surgery.

My mum loved to tell everyone (including DD) how she was the first to hold her when she was born 🤬

Your boundaries are spot on particularly as your delivery will be such high risk
I had my DS1 under GA for crash section and I woke up forgetting I'd had him, it look a while to get my head round it.
Don't let well meaning family talk you round, only agree with whatever works for you .

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff ok. So that's someone to support the husband. What about someone to support the person, who is supporting the husband -they might find it worrying and stressful as well!

In reality it's going to be a busy hospital already without lots of additional random people. He's not having any procedures as far as we are aware and the whole thing shouldn't go on for that long

Not being unreasonable at all.

there is also a very easy solution to all of this. Have your DP well warned and onboard and just dont tell anyone when you are going in. That way no one else can overstep and you protect your peace

when it's not imposing on a new mum to entertain any random who fancy having a "cuddle" with a child, it's not nuts. It's healthy.

No one impose visitors on someone who is having medical treatment or major surgery. Strange that when it's childbirth, the mother doesn't matter, and it's all about randoms fighting to be first to hold a baby. Baby doesn't care, baby only needs his mum and dad.

Normally I'd say it was a bit precious, but given your health condition and the risks you face, it's not unreasonable at all. Of course you don't want people seeing your baby before you!

Surely we’re not talking about random strangers but immediate family - grandparents?

It is your body, your baby, and no photos + no hospital visitors makes perfect sense. You set down whatever boundaries you like.

As for others meeting baby... you have a dp. It's his baby, too. So if he wants to walk down the local with baby, meet friends or family... yes, you would be unreasonable to stop him.

And you really, really want to encourage dp to be independent in looking after baby. His parenting confidence will serve you and baby well for years to come.

You may not be ready for visitors. All fine. He may need friends. Also fine.

they're still irrelevant for a new baby. They will have plenty of time to meet the child much later. It's none of their business unless and until the MOTHER invites them.

Most very near family visit after surgery. They are not kept away. However why not ask for a private time with baby and DH? Also say no visitors if you don’t want anyone for a day. As DH managed 20 minutes with me and DD2 on her first day, I’d have given anything for someone to think more of me and baby. At least you think your family do want to see you.

it's different to give the new mum a chance to rest, and taking the baby away because she can't move following surgery.

So no, allow the new mum to bond and spend the time she wants and needs with her own baby before taking him on unnecessary outings. It's like punishing a mum who had surgery, that's ridiculous