Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

[Anonforthisone1]

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

Where does she say she won’t let grandparents know? She just doesn’t want pics being shared when she hasn’t seen baby yet!

For what it’s worth I hope it isn’t a week or longer as that would mean I wasn’t well at all. I just want to sort of warn people that I may not feel upto it. If I don’t bleed and have a easy recovery I can see myself being happy for visitors a lot earlier

just realised you meant a picture not visit. Chances are a picture will be sent within hours of the birth. I just want to meet him
first.

@Lmnop22 ’s wording is perfect. It’s important for others to realize that this won’t be a straightforward birth experience, you’re having high-risk surgery. Best of luck and congratulations on your new baby. 💐

Well I voted YANBU, but actually I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to yourself here, you need to set more boundaries. It’s a little concerning that you think you might be being unreasonable. Of course no one should be seeing photos of your baby before you’ve even seen them.

My relative had an emergency caesarean and was put under general, she didn’t have a say in who saw the baby before her as it was unexpected so as long as Dad (if around) has skin to skin if possible I think it’s best to put these plans in place for your bonding experience.

I agree. You can do whatever you like, it's your baby, but don't complain later that people aren't willing to help you.

It doesn't matter op if people do this in 'real life' or not - at the end of the day, this is a really exciting, but also really daunting time for you and your body will be going through something massive. Its really important that you feel safe and comfortable during this time and as you recover so I think setting a few boundaries like this will probably really help you as you'll feel more in control of the things you can make decisions about.

I think the key in this will be making absolutely certain your other half is 100% behind you because they will need to be the ones enforcing your boundaries and challenging anyone who pushes them. So it's important they understand exactly why you are asking for what you're asking and how serious it would be for your relationship if they didn't uphold it when you needed them to.

I also had a very high risk pregnancy and planned section and I told everyone I didn't want to see anyone for at least a week after getting home from the hospital because I'm quite private and I knew I'd feel uncomfortable. My in laws knew this and were stood on my doorstep for us coming home and proceeded to visit every day. While I never said anything to them, I really massively resented them for it and it caused huge arguments between me and stbxh because he didn't have my back when I needed him. It got to the point they were disrupting ds feeding and midwives had to step in and I never forgot that stbxh listened to them but not to me.

I think it's completely understandable to want to be the first person to meet your own child and anyone who thinks otherwise is heartless.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would even go as far as not telling anyone other than your DP your scheduled date for delivery.
Now is the time to prioritise yourself.
The very best of luck OP. Wishing you and your baby a safe delivery

Sounds absolutely fine to me! I assume you perhaps have some "slightly trickier" relatives if you feel you need to establish these things beforehand, and I think it's sensible to manage expectations a bit. Play it by ear and see how you feel and DON'T be made to feel guilty if you need some time. Your recovery and bonding and needs of baby are the most important thing.

I would also just say that if a grandparent refused to help a new mother because she tried to create a little bit of a safe space for herself after having a physically difficult birth then that would be extremely small and spiteful of that grandparent. And would not be a reflection on op or her choices at all. Women are not just child birthing machines. Just because someone is giving birth to your grandkid doesn't mean that she no longer exists/ matters/ has right to privacy or boundaries.

This sounds fine to me - you are the one going through delivering the baby, you get to choose how you recover and who gets to see the baby first. Rightly so.

It is absolutely fine OP - I wish I’d been more assertive and wishing you the best of luck with your birth!

It is absolutely fine OP - I wish I’d been more assertive and wishing you the best of luck with your birth!

I was ready to read it and roll my eyes but no I think you're totally reasonable wanting to see your own child before other people do!!!

Best of luck with everything love, it’s a lot to face.

I had DC1 under GA, they decided that when I was on the table so it was all very rushed and ended up being a big complicated surgery. We were in recovery for a couple of days which doesn’t allow visitors so you won’t need to worry about that part.

We didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl so I think DH let people know that and that we had both got out of it okay but he wouldn’t have dreamt of sending anyone a photo before I’d met her, you’d have to be astonishingly thick to do that so just tell him. Hopefully he’ll look at you like you’ve grown two heads and say of course he wouldn’t.

All sounds reasonable to me - all the best!

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Very best of luck!

I think your boundaries are completely fine. If you feel that some people may overstep those boundaries then you need to have your Dh in your corner or any other trusted friend or family member. I still hold some resentment as to how I was treated after giving birth nearly 20 years ago. Dh was fab but shouldn't have had to deal with it.

You don't have to tell people the precise date you are having the section you can always say you attended a midwife appointment and they decided you needed to come in to hospital. You could always have it and give yourselves the day to enjoy your baby before posting anything. You don't need to update the world immediately after your baby is born.

My friend's Mother was waiting for her at the entrance to the hospital for her planned section. They had told her that they would ring her when the baby was born. She also managed to tell everyone that she was worried about her daughter and staff kept passing those messages on to my friend even before she had a c section. It was stressing her out. Her Mum wasn't worried, she was trying to get onto the ward. My friend's husband went out to tell her the baby had been born, both Mother and baby were fine, details of weight etc but visiting was hours away and she could go back home. She lived 10 minutes away and had been there for hours. She didn't leave and again pestered staff. For baby number 2 they didn't tell her that it was another c section, told it was a vbac which bought them several days of peace after their DD was born.

Anyone that gets pissy about a woman prioritising her and her baby's physical and mental safety ahead of major surgery is a bit of a knobber, and wasn't going to actually give any help.

Not unreasonable in the slightest considering what you may be going through.

There’s nothing wrong with setting reasonable boundaries beforehand and if you feel like things are different after the birth you can change them.

We set boundaries when we had our first and will be doing the same ones with our second. Just general ones like no kissing on face, we wanted a few days just to ourselves before all the visits etc. as much as we wanted everyone to come see our newborn we both have big families and just wanted a little bit of time by ourselves before everyone came.

There’s always going to be those that think it’s stupid as they want people round the second they give birth but I’m glad we made the decision we did and stuck to it. At the end of the day it’s your choice. Do what you think you feel comfortable with and sod anyone that thinks differently. It’s your baby, your choice and as I said before if you feel differently afterwards you can always change your mind ☺️

I thought you were going to come up with weird rules with your post title! Actually you are being very reasonable due to your complications. Good luck.

None of yur boundaries are an issue @Anonforthisone1

And I think the people who feel it’s weird feel like that because yes it’s unusual to put boundaries like that before hand unless there’s a huge backstory. Why? Because all of that should be normal.
Its normal fur you to want to see your baby or baby’s photo before everyone eise.
It’s normal to not want visitors in hospital if you’ve had surgery and pph.
Its normal to expect people to come to see you and wait until you’re well enough.

None of that should need to be said.

And the fa to you are makes me things some family members haven’t been respectful during the previous birth(s). And tbh I think it’s shit.
Mother and mother’s health should always come first after birth. Not the family/grand parents ‘but I want to see the baby!’ As if it was their rights, way above your right to heal.

Your boundaries sounds totally normal. Is visiting the hospital even a thing any more? I would go further and lie about the C-section date and say it is a week later. Just to give yourself some breathing space. People have a habit of creeping closer to the due date and booking trips to see you, even when you tell them not to. You can tell them it has happened once you are awake and have met baby. A couple of weeks is fine, or longer if you want! I'm going to fully lie about my due date and not allow MIL to come for 2 or 3 weeks because of how fucking useless she was last time.

I you mean you’d take away help and support because a new mother has dare put her health ahead of your WANT to see a newborn? Even though seeing the newborn straight away won’t make a fuck of difference to how you’d bond with said baby??

Im going to say that if this is your attitude, you’d have done that anyway just because the new mum did not do as you wanted at some point anyway…..

I'd told my DH I wanted to breastfeed straight after birth so unexpected GA and I wake up to DH trying to latch baby on. It was an unusual but quite sweet way to meet baby. He did his best but wasn't actually doing well at all. At least he tried but I hadn't thought it would end up with me asleep.