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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

202 replies

Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:16

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/06/2025 14:17

Just say no when its not convenient

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/06/2025 14:18

I think you just have to ditch the guilt and feel happy with your definite “no”. Try not to dwell on it once you’ve said no. It will take time but it gets easier.

You’re not unreasonable at all.

Rattai · 13/06/2025 14:18

What happens if you say no?

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 13/06/2025 14:19

Offer up the idea of you moving away.. If she complains about not being able to sees dd ask how she manages with her other dd being far away...

TheignT · 13/06/2025 14:20

If you already have plans can't you just say that.

UrbanFan · 13/06/2025 14:20

Are you parents at work and only free to see you at weekends?

ScaryM0nster · 13/06/2025 14:21

Are you being pressured, or are you applying self imposed pressure from friendly offers and polite that’s a shame type responses……

BethanyMac85 · 13/06/2025 14:21

Your sis hasn't fallen into the same pattern so they don't expect it form her? Just say no sorry doesn't suit+!

YosoyEduardo · 13/06/2025 14:21

Stop trying to please your parents. The family you have created should be your priority. Weird about your sister too!

wobblybrain · 13/06/2025 14:23

I don’t think they are being unkind, perhaps a bit thoughtless though. It’s ok for you to say ‘sorry we are busy’

The fact that you don’t see the same situation applied to your sister kind of indicates you are doing it to yourself though.

accidentform · 13/06/2025 14:23

You are doing this to yourself. It’s okay to say no.

Your parents seem to have figured out that you are unlikely to say no to them, unlike your sister

Lmnop22 · 13/06/2025 14:23

Can’t you just say “sorry we are doing x on Saturday day time but how about you pop over for tea” or something and try and give them some of the day without compromising your plans?

Original poster
Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:24

If I say no or even say no and explain my plans they will say things like ‘that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing you,’ or ‘can’t you re arrange it’ or ‘we don’t see enough of her/someone they know sees their grandchildren more’ and so on. Yes I could ignore it but the point is I feel guilty then and can’t enjoy my time. I have told them it makes me feel like that and asked them to stop but it continues.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2025 14:24

You just have to have boundaries and stick to them. No I'm not coming round this weekend, too much to do. End of story.

My parents were like this when they were alive. You have your own life, you don't exist to please them.

Original poster
Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:25

wobblybrain · 13/06/2025 14:23

I don’t think they are being unkind, perhaps a bit thoughtless though. It’s ok for you to say ‘sorry we are busy’

The fact that you don’t see the same situation applied to your sister kind of indicates you are doing it to yourself though.

@wobblybrain in what way am I doing it to myself? I’m not being defensive, just trying to understand! :)

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2025 14:26

Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:24

If I say no or even say no and explain my plans they will say things like ‘that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing you,’ or ‘can’t you re arrange it’ or ‘we don’t see enough of her/someone they know sees their grandchildren more’ and so on. Yes I could ignore it but the point is I feel guilty then and can’t enjoy my time. I have told them it makes me feel like that and asked them to stop but it continues.

Don't ask them: tell them.

"I'm an adult with a family of my own. I love you and will always make time to see you when I can but I have my own life, please let me organise it as I see fit, if you keep hassling and guilt-tripping me you'll see less of me."

End of discussion. You might have to train them a bit but they'll get the hang of it.

takealettermsjones · 13/06/2025 14:26

One full day a week is already a lot - you mean they're pressuring you for weekend time on top of that? If so, that's crazy.

SpryCat · 13/06/2025 14:27

Just say, it’s the only time you and DD gets to spend with DP, so it’s not convenient for you.

Original poster
Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:28

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2025 14:26

Don't ask them: tell them.

"I'm an adult with a family of my own. I love you and will always make time to see you when I can but I have my own life, please let me organise it as I see fit, if you keep hassling and guilt-tripping me you'll see less of me."

End of discussion. You might have to train them a bit but they'll get the hang of it.

Show quote history

@Thepeopleversuswork thank you. I do feel I have expressed that sort of sentiment to them before, quite a few times. Sometimes it stops for a couple of weeks then it just starts up again. I really struggle with boundaries as I feel guilt over the smallest thing so this is really hard for me to manage.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 13/06/2025 14:29

I voted you're being unreasonable because you know they're guilt tripping you as manipulation but feel guilty

Your family unit is you, your partner, and your child. You guys need downtime and to spend time together as a family. You can't let your parents disrupt that, that is not in the best interests of your child and your partner.

Say no without guilt. Your parents don't run your life. An expectation that they spend part of every weekend with you and your daughter is unrealistic. Your little family is only going to get busier as your daughter grows. Will she be expected to go to grandparents instead of do an activity or spend time with her friends?

Has your sister put up better boundaries than you?

Original poster
Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:29

takealettermsjones · 13/06/2025 14:26

One full day a week is already a lot - you mean they're pressuring you for weekend time on top of that? If so, that's crazy.

@takealettermsjones yes I can’t remember the last time a week went by and we didn’t see them. It’s usually a full day too. I really enjoy seeing them and so does dd so it’s nice to do but more than that feels too much… I also work part time and like to have time with dd alone sometimes

OP posts:
Groundhedgehogday · 13/06/2025 14:29

It's probably more relaxing to see one DGC than 3! Either your sister has good boundaries in place or your parents aren't as interested in her kids.

Put some limits in place - arrange to go for a coffee at 3pm so you've got an out that'll it'll be dinner time soon and need to leave. Don't see them every week.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/06/2025 14:31

@Yunallp so if they start guilt-tripping you you just need to give them the grey rock. If they start with "oh that's such a shame, we were counting on you being there.." you just ignore it. Pretend they didn't say anything and change the subject. Rinse and repeat.

I get it, my parents were like this. But you have to push back a bit of you'll end up majorly resentful.

Original poster
Yunallp · 13/06/2025 14:32

outerspacepotato · 13/06/2025 14:29

I voted you're being unreasonable because you know they're guilt tripping you as manipulation but feel guilty

Your family unit is you, your partner, and your child. You guys need downtime and to spend time together as a family. You can't let your parents disrupt that, that is not in the best interests of your child and your partner.

Say no without guilt. Your parents don't run your life. An expectation that they spend part of every weekend with you and your daughter is unrealistic. Your little family is only going to get busier as your daughter grows. Will she be expected to go to grandparents instead of do an activity or spend time with her friends?

Has your sister put up better boundaries than you?

Edited

@outerspacepotato my sister is unbothered about offending anyone so she will simply say no or just not reply at all. It’s a running joke in the family that she is hard to get hold of. They definitely know I will reply as I always do. And I wouldn’t want to ignore them and don’t agree with my sister’s approach in doing that, personally. I just with they respected me in the same way and let me live my life a bit. They are very active and have full lives, I feel like I have to factor them in every week and work out how to make excuses, I hate it

OP posts:
decafearlgrey · 13/06/2025 14:32

It is so hard when you find yourself in this sort of situation! Unfortunately it sounds as though it's become expected and the more you say yes the more it becomes the norm. You are going to have to experiment with asserting boundaries which will be really hard at first. You have to teach people how to behave sometimes. And just keep repeating no until they get the message. Their needs do not trump yours.