To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

Knock this on the head before they get much older otherwise you'll be at their beck & call forever. Do what you say you will do & don't be guilt tripped into anything else.

They won't respect you in the same way because your sister does what most people do, take calls and respond to texts and contact at her convenience. That is the norm.

You're going to have to have your parents back off at some point or they're going to expect your child to put them ahead of developing friendships and having a social life and activities they want to do. You're already feeding them to your parents on the weekend I stead of doing something fun with them yourself with your partner.Do you want your kids to feel the guilt you do? Your relationship with your parents is not too healthy and that's what you modeling for your kid.

Are you using your kid to avoid your parents throwing a shit fit when you tell them no and they'll see you guys once or twice a month?

You need to start saying no sometimes. They can be a bit disappointed if they want. Your sister sounds sensible - it's fine to have boundaries.

It's entirely on you OP. You are an adult and a parent yet you behave like a small child desperate not to upset anyone.
Stop behaving like a doormat and tell your parents that they see you and DD on your terms, not theirs.
If you can't do that, then your life will continue as it is now.

This is an interesting thread. It is acceptable to not give a reason (if being asked to rearrange is a problem). It is all right to say “Unfortunately we are not going to be able to make that. I hope you have a great time!”.

Realistically, your daughter will start school soon and will have swimming / gymnastics / parties at the weekend.

I wonder - could it be that after having 2 DDs themselves your DPs find it easier and less stressful to spend time with you - the DD with her own daughter - than the DD with 3 sons (and all the weekend activities that come with ferrying around 3 sporty social DC)?
My own DM had 2DDs and would never admit she got worn out by my 3 nephews who are older than my 2 DDs. My DSis noticed though.

Your parents manipulate you to get what you want because you always fall for it. If you don’t want to see them as much then you need to be “harder” when they pull your emotional heartstrings.
They don’t care about you having a life outside them - they are acting like your sister and prioritising what they want. They manipulate you because you have no boundaries which is what they want.

YABU because you are doing it to yourself.

They are asking for what they'd like and expressing disappointment when they can't have it. That's fine. Just because they request something doesn't mean you need to agree.

Your sister's got them conditioned not to expect her to act on their requests. You need to be more like that. For example:

"We're keeping weekends free so DP can see more of DD, but I'm free on Thursday afternoon from 2 if that works for you?"

Asking if you want to meet up is hardly pressurising you!

Most people socialise at the weekends, it’s fine you don’t want to, but you can’t blame people for asking.

One of my relatives is an absolute shameless bullshitter but it works for her.

She doesn’t have WhatsApp or any social media and her phone signal is terrible in her house and at work. This is all total horseshit but she doesn’t get hassled by family in the same way as the rest of us. 😄

Sounds like it’s working for your sister too, OP. Lose the guilt, it’s your life!

It works everytime so they aren't going to stop are they. They ask, you give in, they get what they want.
No one can make you feel guilty. They ask. You say " Sorry that doesn't work for us this weekend, how about Tuesday ". They whinge. You ignore. Try it . You will have to sit with the difficult feelings but they will pass. They won't have died and neither will you

Suggest in their free time they visit your dsis....

If they want to hang out with DD more they could come and do the bedtime routine once a week to bond with her and give you a break too. Or just hang out with you while you are having dinner or whatever, just be present as part of your routine.

I agree you need to find a balance now. My friend works FT and has to visit parents every weekend, she has been complaining about it for about 10 years now and still does it. They could come to her house any evening after work but no, they need her to bring the kids to their house on her day off.

What you are doing is toxic people-pleasing - and feeling guilty when you don't.

We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves, not by how we treat them. So YOU need to start having respect for yourself and your time/family time, and then so will your parents. Respect your time enough to say no to them when it doesn't suit you.

The inappropriate guilt comes from feeling responsible for their feelings - this is a lack of the basic boundary between yourself and others and is very common in people-pleasers. You don't know where you end and others begin - what you are responsible for and what you are not.

I think Natalie Lue's book 'The Joy of Saying No' would be really useful to you.

You have the girl...

Yes, you don't have to give a reason. There's no need to say sorry either. Unfortunately is a great substitute with less capacity for emotional manipulation.

"And I wouldn’t want to ignore them and don’t agree with my sister’s approach in doing that, personally."

There's your problem, take a leaf out of your sister's book, she clearly got this sussed a long time ago.

This. Easy.

Three boys under five….I can’t imagine why they don’t seem to want to see them as often as your single three year old daughter. 🤔

You have been ‘trained’ to feel guilty and obliged. This is so that they can do what they want. Recognising this simple fact will set you free! 😃

I think you need to learn from your sister and just say no if it doesn't work for you.

It's not your job to fill their time.

YABU for your poor boundaries / assertiveness, and for suggesting to your parents that they try your sister! Decide what to do / not do for yourself.

stay out of things between your parents and your sister other than any family gatherings you wish to arrange.

Are you the older child by any chance OP?

This is a two way problem. You are a people pleaser, and are only comfortable when everyone else is happy. That doesn't mean you are happy, but it does mean that you avoid feelings of guilt. Guilt to you is overwhelming, and in the past it has ruined whatever activity you had chosen to do instead of the one that made others happy.

Your parents are also being unreasonable. They know that you fold as soon as any smidgen of guilt is laid on you, and so they use that to get you to do what they want. They may not even consciously been doing it - it's just a pattern they have followed over the years that has worked.

Believe me when I say that the first few times you are assertive it will feel very uncomfortable. It's likely you won't enjoy your day out with your DP and DD, because at the back of your mind you'll be worried about what your parents are thinking. It may take a while - months even - but believe me when I say that buzzing at the back of your mind will get less and less. You'll be really proud of yourself for standing up for your own happiness and it'll be a great way to model healthy relationships to your kid. There's no way your DD isn't picking up on the resentment you feel when you go visit your parents under duress.

Your parents will also get over it. They love you, and they'll learn that the guilt trip doesn't work anymore. They may gripe to their friends "oh sure she's always off somewhere, doesn't visit us as much as she used to" blah blah. But some people are never happy and their happiness it not your responsibility. As long as you know that you are visiting them regularly, that will be enough.

It’s hard to give advice on this because normally I’d suggest being very firm, saying no, saying you have plans, saying it’s not convenient. It sounds like you’re doing all this yet they STILL guilt trip you with their comments like “our friends see their grandchildren more”/“oh that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing her.”

I don’t think they’re deliberately being unkind but their behaviour is unkind if it is making you feel this way. They need to back off and just be glad they at least get a midweek day with you and your daughter!

I guess just keep at it with the responses like “sorry mum if you were looking forward to seeing us on Saturday, but we hadn’t arranged to do anything with you so not sure why you thought we were free, we’ll see you on Tuesday though, looking forward to it!”

I feel you with your sister as well, my brother is like that. He often can be a last min no show at family events, can go for days without answering his phone, but no one minds cause it’s “just the way he is.” Whereas I am the one who feels the guilt more, if my mum rings and I’m busy I feel bad if I’ve not rang her back within half an hour (or at least text to say I’m out). So I know exactly where you’re coming from!

This seems like a you issue. You’ve said your sister is unbothered about offending people so be more like her.

“Sorry Mum and dad but we have plans for the three of us over the weekend, we would love to see you Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday if you’re free?”

”Thank you for the invitation but we’re having a quiet one this weekend. Work/life has been quite busy for us this week and we’d like to just spend some time together.”