To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

Hi op look up The FOG - fear obligation and guilt - it's ok to feel these feelings but you don't need to act on them. The more you say No - the better you will get and feel.

I don't think you even have to say the word 'no' if that is what makes you feel uncomfortable. When asked 'can you come on Saturday' for example, just respond with 'we will look forward to seeing you on this date instead...'

I’ve never completely understood the need to ‘see’ someone before a holiday. My parents never demanded this, nor did I when my grandchildren started to arrive on the scene. A simple phone call or message is enough surely?
I do think the OP parents are being needy and unreasonable in expecting her to change the weekend plans because they’re flying off to Spain at short notice.

OP, live your life the way you want…….your OH deserves his special time at weekends……..embrace this as children grow so fast, you wonder where the years have gone.

Remind them that they obviously see a lot more of your child than they do of your sisters kids. Tell them if they're that bothered they can go and pester her for once to bring her kids over or is your child their favourite?

Do you live closer than your sister? If so that’s probably why they expect you to be more available.

Regardless, you can just say that you can only do it every other week unless (if you’re up for it) they want to come over for dinner or similar? Something that doesn’t block the whole day.

With kindness, you’re coming across as a bit of a doormat. Take a leaf out of your sister’s book!

So your sister isn't a pushover. Be more like your sister.

And I wouldn’t want to ignore them and don’t agree with my sister’s approach in doing that, personally. I just with they respected me in the same way and let me live my life a bit.

You don’t assert yourself, your sister is doing exactly that. She refuses to dance to their manipulative tune and they respect her for it. They don’t respect you at all.

I just with they respected me in the same way and let me live my life a bit. They are very active and have full lives,

It’s not that they are respecting her and not you,
It’s that she has very strong boundaries and you dint. Instead you feel guilty saying NO to them and I suspect more often than not you end up saying yes or yes to something else just to keep the peace.

Also appreciate that you dint think your sister’s ways are great. But has it occurred to you she is acting like that because they’ve been pressuring her too and that’s the only way she found to deal with it? Because they wouldn’t take NO further an answer with her either. So she nipped in the bud a long time ago.

I mean sometimes passive resistance is a great way to establish those pesky boundaries your parents have decided to trampled over.

I think actually your parents are being incredibly selfish and entitled but you're allowing this behaviour so it will just continue unless you grow a backbone. Your loyalty lies with the family you have created. Your parents need to understand this..Your sister has the right idea.

“We try and spend time with (Childs dad) at weekends as he isn’t free much in the week so we usually have plans.
How about Tuesday?
if they say we would like to see you at weekend as well say I can’t fit everything in.

You Will have to get a bit snappy with them if they aren’t listening.

Either
No
Or
I'll come when my sister does it'll be lovely for you to see all the grandchildren together

I voted YABU, because you keep answering your own question with 'I feel guilty very easily'!

I don’t think they're being shitty or unkind, just a bit self-absorbed, like a lot of us. Your sister is firm with them so they've swung their attention to you. Also, being brutally pragmatic, you're a more attractive prospect. Most grandparents would find one little girl more appealing company than three little boys.

I get that it's really hard to change their expectations when you've always been the nice, acquiescent daughter. But your own family's needs come first. And remember that your parents don't worry about disappointing you, when it comes to protecting their own free time. You're just asking for the same consideration.

Plenty of good suggestions on here for how to go about it:
-Grey rock - if you're finally fed up enough, and won't crumple if they object or look upset.
If that's too much:
-Show them your (full) calendar - with 'family time' (ie you, DP and DD) included - and work out with them a suitable day or afternoon in x weeks' time.
-Set a time limit. Maybe taper them off their addiction, from spending all day with you, to a morning or afternoon, to lunch or coffee. This will be easier as DD gets older and invited to things anyway.

I'm sure you won't be too heavy-handed about this because of course you want them to be part of DD's life. But equally they have to respect that you're your own woman now, with your own life and family.

Doing what you want with your family is not selfish. Not filling up every weekend with plans is self care. You will burn out if you stay on this trajectory. The guilt of saying no is better in the long run than the resentment that is slowly building towards your parents. Some parents have a tough time accepting they’re no longer the centre of things when their children grow up and create their own families. That’s not your job to fix, even if your parents are putting it on through guilt.

I have been through the same pattern and I appreciate it is so so hard to break it. I recommend listening to Mel Robbins’ podcast. It really helped me realise that I am wasting so much of my energy on everyone else’s feelings all the time and spending literally no time looking after myself. Also Gabor Mate is great to listen to re the impact people pleasing can have on your health.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5hfCoHyQxEilUSrVe75enO?si=SXZbmsj3QEypwHN0PQEsBg

They definitely know I will reply as I always do.

Well there you go. Stop. Be more like your sister. Let go of the guilt. Stop making yourself available.

Look up FOG: fear, obligation, guilt in families.

This is a you issue.

Stop making yourself feel guilty. You've nothing to feel guilty for.

YANBU

You shouldn't have to voice and defend the same boundary over and over and over again. It is tiresome and disrespectul - worse it is likely to damage your relationship with them and may lead to a stronger weekend boundary of never ever at the weekend!

They love your LO, and they aren't mind readers. Tell them this, and make suggestions to take her round at times that suit you

I don’t think they are being unkind just self interested. I got out of the weekend visits by moving 300 miles away. I just never had a Sunday when I could please myself. Then with my kids I was determined when they left home that I wouldn’t put that pressure on them. So didn’t invite them to Sunday dinners. What a thoughtful mother I was. I don’t think they thank me for it they just don’t think I care 🤭🤷🏽‍♀️. Basically as a mother of adult children you can’t do right.
Basically people will get away with what they can get away with. The guilt I can still feel it. The selfish daughter who basically treated place like a hotel. It’s so hard to find a decent excuse. In fact it turned me off Sunday dinners for life. My children are very good cooks and are just as bossy as my mother. So you are not alone. Start weaning them off now.. every other week, once a month. … good luck

Stop being a‘people-pleaser’ set some boundaries it will help you with your own self esteem!

one child is much easier than 5, that’s probably why they enjoy time with your child so much, as it’s more relaxed

They won’t be there forever, try and negotiate a plan for a regular visit so that everyone’s happy and no one feels resentful. What I wouldn’t give to have parents to visit. It really is true you never truly know what you have until it’s gone.

Also how often do you invite them rather than they have to ask? Quite often it’s always the grandparents or always the kids doing the asking. And a pattern becomes established. You could instead invite them when it suits you and they’d probably be super chuffed to be invited rather than always inviting themselves

Totally agree. My kids had a wonderful bond with their grandparents as they would see them regularly. Find something they enjoy doing together whether it’s a board game or a walk