To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

It’s been ages since I’ve felt I actually have autonomy over my own plans. I know that sounds silly and if I said that to them they’d say I was being ridiculous and of course I can do whatever I like. But I doesn’t feel that way! I am nearly forty too, embarrassingly.

But they are not letting you do whatever you like are they.

You are a grown up. Why feel guilty?

Say 'Sorry mum, we are already busy. See you when you get back."

People should be able to ask for what they would like
you need to be able to say what you like

it shouldn’t make you guilty

Just say sorry we can't do that we have already made other plans. It's bullying.

I would be interested in how your sister feels, I imagine the polar opposite - 'AIBU to be upset my parents always want to spend time with my sister and her DD and not with me and my boys?'

This all reflects badly on your parents, not on you.

Choose your boundaries and enforce them.

None of this is your beef.

'Sorry, we have family plans'
'Sorry, we want a quiet day'
'No'

Yeah that's ridiculous: you really need to reset this a bit. You have your own family.

I think you will find the guilt is directly related to this behaviour. They've got used to thinking you are someone who will accommodate everything, this is how the dynamic has built up.

You need to put some boundaries in place for your own mental health but you might actually find your relationship with them improves when you do. Honestly it doesn't sound like they treat you as an independent adult with agency. Time for you to make them start doing this.

I bet it's more relaxing for them to spend the day with 1Dd than 3Ds under 5. Your sister might well be feeling like you and DD are the golden side!

My mother used to be a bit like this but I just had to be firm, it was hard for me as I'm a people pleaser. Easier if you usually arrange things over text, I find.

no one can make you feel anything unless you let them. I know its not as easy as saying "I won't let you make me feel that way" but the beginning of m=not feeling guilty starts with you because you have no control over what they say.

When they say things like this -

‘that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing you,

You should be replying along the lines of 'never mind, we can arrange another time' and leave it there.

Your guilt is self-imposed. Are you a 'people pleaser' in general? If so, in order to move forward, therapy can help you to unpick why you're like this, that the guilt is pointless, and help you to ditch the guilt. It's hard to break habits of a lifetime, but it can be done and it's very 'freeing' once you realise that you're making your own choices and pleasing yourself.

How can they “ respect” you as they do your sister when you don’t respect yourself? I am not trying to be mean. Its a fact that your sister earned her freedom—from pressure and judgement—by courageously and cheerfully repelling all boarders and grappling hooks.

You occasionally stand up for yourself snd say no but your parents are back to pressuring you again after a few weeks and then you give in again. In psychology that us called “intermittent reinforcement “ and it doesn’t work—in fact it makes the experimental pigeon or parent frantic as they can’t figure out how to get the reward without simply frantically pressing the bar for the treat.

In order to manage the situation you need to either (or both) reward/punish your oarents for pressuring you and/or teach yourself to stop acting on your stupid guilt. You feel guilty? Do what. Endure it and do what you need to do. Your parents can moan all they want. Just disengage. Their lightest wish does not have to be your command.

One grand child is easier than 3 boys.
They are suiting themselves.
Its a you problem.
Control your guilt.
Your poor husband.
Why is he putting up this imposition every weekend.
You need to woman up and stop allowing useless guilt control you.
Its actually very selfish IMO.
You are putting your feelings ahead of whats best for your family.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to explain less
"I'm afraid we already have plans, so that's not convenient". Then repeat.

The more you make excuses the more difficult they'll be.
"We have plans so that's not convenient". End of. Repeat as necessary.

As has been said, this is about you rather than them. I strongly recommend a quick read of Eric Berne's Games People Play - it's about the sub-conscious games/predicaments we all fall into. If you recognise the part you're playing in "the game" it's easier to move away from it, thereby forcing the other "players" to adapt. I suspect that your parents are not the only ones that push your "boundaries". If, on the other hand, they are aware of what they're doing, then you still need to step back and do something differently.

It's hard when you first make the change, but once you arm yourself with a few good stock responses to reinforce your position if necessary, you'll realise that you are practising self-preservation as opposed to being "selfish". You just have to hold out for long enough for them to change what they do, but in the meantime learn to use the word "no". Don't give them any wiggle room, you can get more flexible later once the "no" doesn't feel so alien to you, and they have started to show more consideration for your priorities.

This. "no because" "I don't think so" give wiggle room and encourage them not to change.

I can think of many reasons why they might want to see one grandchild over 3 boys under 5.

Why don't you plan some days out at weekends with them too? Two birds, one stone and all that.

and that's why they don't try this shit with your sister!

Let it continue. Just say, "Oh dear" but stick to plan A every single time. You have to train them to the regime you want basically.

Yeah, they want you supply easy, fulfilling 'we're good Grandparents' entertainment whenever they have nothing better to do.

They don't ask your sister because 1/she won't entertain it and 2/ she has three kids who do not supply 'easy, fulfilling' entertainment but 'hard work' vs your one child.

Stop enabling this bullshit - arrange things in advance as suits you, and nothing more. If they call up and suggest you do something with them and you've got other plans or just plain don't want to that weekend... don't!

I think the critical question is if you say “no, sorry we’re flat out/ need some downtime/ have heaps to do, but look forward to seeing you on x” what do they do? I suspect you might be over thinking this. If they are fine and don’t pressure you then I think it’s fine. If they emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind then you have a point and I’d take a leaf out of your sister’s book.

YABU..... because ,'' sorry- we have plans'' is all you need to say.
Several times if necessary.
Nobody is forcing you into the car to go see them.
Boundaries... use them FFS.

This.
100%.

The main problem you've got right now is that saying no makes you feel guilty, and that's unpleasant. But it is just a feeling, just some nerve cells activating in the body, and it passes, usually quite quickly, especially if you accept that you're going to feel it and aren't afraid of it.

If you don't say no, you'll end up resentful, and that's worse.

It is OK to put a boundary in place. It's allowed. We are allowed to say no to our parents, regardless of what they want, regardless of how siblings are behaving, regardless of whether or not our parents will have their feelings dented. They're adults, they can cope with not getting their own way sometimes, can't they?

Perhaps rather than being determined to be not like your sister, you should ask yourself how she ended up that way.