To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

OP, I could have written your post. I went through the exact same thing with my parents and it never improved, only got worse, until I reached a complete breaking point. As with you, it was all on me, not on my sibling.

The reason your parents put pressure on you that they don't on your sister is because they know they can push you around. They know they can guilt trip you. They know that they can get you to cave.

As someone who has been in your exact position and felt exactly as you are describing, let me give you the clarity of hindsight and healing. My DD is now 16.

1. Your children are only little once. You owe it to yourself, your DH, and you DD to spend quality weekend or special holiday plans as a family of three without being made to feel guilty about it.
2. Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional blackmail. It's deeply manipulative.
3. Tying in with the point above, your parents are only thinking of themselves. They want you to live on their schedule, without any regard to your own adult life, or even your husband's wishes or plans. Guilt-tripping you for already having plans within your own household is not just unreasonable and disrespectful, but deeply selfish.
4. This will only get worse unless you set boundaries and stick to them. Yes, they will guilt-trip and pressure you, but you must not let them make you feel guilty enough to cave. When you feel guilty, ask yourself how you will feel when your DD is not so little, doesn't want to do special things with you on the weekends because she'd rather be with her friends. Your parents got this time. Now it's your turn. It is not cruel of you to set healthy boundaries to protect time with your husband and daughter.
5. Consider your husband's feelings. The endless demands from my parents ended up putting me in the middle and causing enormous marital issues over time. I was forever trying to please my parents whilst managing DH's desire for how we spent weekends.

Remember: you are not being selfish. Your parents are.

In the end, my parents demands built to the point where I realized that I could see them six days a week and they'd simply complain that I was "busy" on the seventh day. Even though we saw them constantly, on their terms, no visit was ever long enough, either. One time I was guilted for not spending breakfast, lunch, an afternoon activity, and dinner with them for my father's birthday. DD was 5yo at the time, we had dogs to get home to, and again, we saw them ALL the time. It was simply never enough. I tried reasoning with them. I pointed out that if we saw DH's parents as much as we saw them, we would literally have to quit our jobs to find the time. I tried explaining endless things, like how much DH was working and needed a day to spend with his daughter. They didn't care. They didn't care about anything but me meeting their endless demands. The guilt they made me feel was crippling.

You are not being unreasonable. They are.

Them: “That’s a shame, I was looking forward to seeing you.”
You; “Disappointment is inevitable if you always assume we’ll be available without checking.”

Them: “Can’t you rearrange it?”
You: “No, we don’t want to.”

Them: “We don’t see enough of her. So and so sees their grandchild more often.”
You: “All families have different arrangements and circumstances.”

And so on and so forth.

It feels uncomfortable initially, but I can promise you it’s worth it.

Also OP - look up rejection sensitive dysphoria. You probably don't have this as its something where someone has extreme reactions to rejection or criticism. But there's a lot of online advice, particularly around the area of cognitive behavioural therapy, that can really assist anyone who feels like guilt or rejection is affecting their daily life negatively.

I dont think that is unkind, just say no and explain that you like to go out and about with your DP at weekends

It’s just lazy thinking on their part probably.

They are used to their other daughter being further away and feel closer to you so it’s you they ask. Maybe nothing more than that.

How do you know pthey aren’t busy during the week and would prefer weekends. If you don’t spell it out clearly why you prefer a day during the week then they wont think about it themselves. They think that you three being with them is a lovely thing for you all. They are used to you saying yes to a weekend visit sometmes so why not ask. They are content with the way it is and don’t know that you aren’t.

Make it clear on the Tuesday visit that you aren’t free on the following weekend. When they ask what you are doing, say….. I don’t know yet but we like that time as a family, it’s important to us, so I’ll see you next week on whichever weekday if you are free, ….why not ask to see the grandsons, they are only an hour way, it’s not as if it’s the other side of the world.

Is there a day they can't do?
When they ask for a weekend offer that day instead, then use their exact words and tone back at them.
Some grandparents struggle to not be the one calling the tune any more.

This.
They can ask, but don’t forget that you are allowed to say no with no explanation or guilt.
The guilt is all on you and only you can control it. It’s hard the first few times and then after that it gets easier to say no with no feelings at all.
channel your inner sister and learn not to give a toss. Just don’t always reply.
Maybe you need to pull back on your weekday visits too. Maybe only stay half a day rather than a full day.
It seems to me that your parents want to see you on their terms, so only on the weekends they don’t have plans. Just say I can’t see you this weekend but am free in 5 weekends time. If they aren’t free then then turn the tables on them. “Oh - that’s a shame it’s our free weekend and DD was looking forward to seeing you”. See how they feel about the guilt tripping.

OP's sister clearly has the measure of her parents and is rightly putting her family first.

How did you deal with it in the end?

If you see them pretty much once a week for a full day, why do you feel guilty saying no when they ask for more time with you? You know that they are being unreasonable and guilt tripping you.

As your DP works long hours, I assume that he wants to spent family time with you and your daughter without having to accommodate your parents all the time. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you see them in the week.

I’d probably say, “weekdays are better for us at the moment,” so they understand it’s an either/or not both scenario - you won’t be seeing them at the weekend for now, but nothing is set in stone. You’ll fall into a different routine at some point, either if you have more children or when your child starts school.

"No, we have plans this weekend. Why don't you see DSis and the boys instead?"

"They are too busy."

"That's a shame. Well, so are we. Was lovely to see you on Tuesday and we'll have to meet up after your hols."

You will just have to be firmer about taking control of your own time, OP. Your posts come over as you being pushed around at the whims of your parents. They probably feel you are a pushover, so will always do what they want irrespective of your wishes.
Try taking charge of the narrative to start with, say suggest meet for tea in a cafe or walk in a park, or you go to theirs - at say 3.30 or 4pm, then you have to get back to do a meal, bedtimes etc. That way you will have theb day for yourself before teatime. Then just extend the idea by suggesting outings at times that suit you. I think you need to take the initiative and not just wait for them to ask and you feel bad saying no.
As for saying no, just do it - it will get easier. "Can't do that this weekend. See you on Tuesday?" i wouldn't start with "Sorry" though, as some have suggested. That makes you sound apologetic rather than in charge of your own time.🌺

The answer to your problem is to do what your sister does. That's about it, really.

Your sister isn't actually being unusually rude, or rude at all - she's simply doing what most people do if they don't want to live their lives at others' beck and call.

Went NC when DD was nine. There was more to it than just the demands, but probably all tied together. My mother was a very critical and controlling person and it only got worse with time. My mother also overshadowed and ruined endless special moments with DD, like her dance shows or birthdays, Christmas, you name it. They had to be included and they made it all about them but of course they were allowed to have their own plans, like the OP's. The demands became so extreme and no matter how much I pleaded or tried to reason, I was just constantly pushed and pushed to my absolute breaking point. My feelings never mattered. DH's didn't matter. And by the time DD was nine, I had then dealt with years of DD having sports/activities/friends that I was actually guilted over because my parents saw this as time that DD should have spent with them! My parents took personal offense to DD having a birthday party or even DH buying tickets for just the three of us to see a play, etc. My marriage was practically destroyed from me constantly putting them ahead of my husband, or then feeling miserable the rare times I told them no because they would guilt me so badly.

I ended up gaining four clothing sizes, and getting in multiple small car accidents the last year I was in contact with them. The guilt and stress was quite literally destroying my life.

My only regret is not standing up for myself and protecting my feelings and adult space, without feeling guilty, sooner.

I agree with that.

I also think your parents will understand quite well but just want you to know they are available sometimes.

Your sister won't get this because she lives further away but she would if she was nearer.

Don't think any more about it.

That’s awful. I truly hope you are much happier now ❤️😊. Sending you a big virtual hug. Did you marriage survive?
Op - take heed.

Just say no. Say “sorry but we already have plans” and then when they try and manipulate you, ignore them. You’ve answered their question, that’s polite, but you don’t have to respond to their emotional blackmail, it’s not rude to ignore that. It’s putting boundaries in place which I imagine your sister has already done and that’s why she doesn’t get badgered.

This is a you problem. You are choosing to feel guilty.
if you can point out that they do it too, then why don’t you take your own advice. You are choosing to feel guilty.

Don't say something like you're busy this weekend , explain to them the situation with your family all weekends but tell them you're happy to carry on seeing them during the week .

And I wouldn’t want to ignore them and don’t agree with my sister’s approach in doing that, personally.

Just how much do you 'not agree' with your sister's approach?

Is it just a mild 'that's okay for her but I prefer to do things differently?
Or is it fundamentally against your core values to ignore people and be unavailable and unhelpful?

Because your belief about your sister is part of what is tripping you up.

Why do you think your sister is wrong in her approach?
Take some time to think about this.

To be honest OP, your feelings of guilt about this is something that you need to work on.

You know that they are being unreasonable to pressure you like this.

Don't let them and don't feel guilty. You see them loads.

Well it sounds like your sister simply doesn't accept the pressure, but you do. So even though they are unreasonable, you are also enabling it through your reactions and being a bit passive.

They've backed off with her because she clearly doesn't allow it.

You need to stop allowing it as well.

Your time is just as valuable as anyone's.

Your sister has set boundaries and they don't see her kids so they want to see your kids more. Set your boundary and stick to it. And if they're seeing her on Tuesday/saw her on Tuesday, say they can see her when they get back and arrange a date now.

I'm not sure - are you saying you're not ever going to see them on a weekend? That's quite strange.
Does your partner have an issue with them as it sounds like you are seeing them on your own then on weekends your partner doesn't want to see them?

It does seem a bit rigid that you won't ever see them on a weekend...