To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

Hi op,

Ignore calls from Friday on and excuse yourself from having missed the 200,000,000 calls as DD…: had a cold, wanted to play, was in soft-play, in the park, play date…then state once in text that you can’t this week end. Don’t add to it. No excuse.
they will get the message that you aren’t going to be guilt tripped anymore and hopefully leave you alone.

You need to change your tactic as you are not solely their little girl. You are a mother. One whom needs support, rest, respect. Your little girl is also watching you caving when guilts come and might : do the same when older, or, become your sister to any of your requests. Do the work you don’t want her to have to do ❤️

Just to say….
Their expectations need to be managed but ‘at the end of the day’ ( hate that expression 🤷🏼‍♀️ ) it’s an indication of good relationships that they want to spend time with you all….

Once a week is plenty.

If they ask for more, then its up to you to say yes or no.

If they say ah thats a shame, or can't you rearrange, then you could just say, sorry, ive already made plans, but we will have a nice day on tuesday.

You need to be more assertive imo. They are assertive to you if they have plans, and your sister is assertive and has boundaries too.
Its ok to say no to people, even if they are sad about it.

Personally I would find seeing my parents once a week too much. You have demonstrated complete insight in to this situation - they manipulate you into feeling guilty. Your sister is tough with them and leads the life she wants. Your parents will continue to manipulate you but it is within your power to manage them and more importantly to stop feeling guilty.

Your are not being assertive. You don't explain yourself. You just say, no we can not make it. That's it. They can say what they like. You stick to your broken record of no, we can't make it. Smile and done. I would also stop the pattern of every week seeing them for a whole day. What suits you? What are your plans? If it suits everyone make plans if not please yourself.

Yep, you can't help how they feel. I agree

Why do cave so (apparently) easily? Have you tried repeatedly saying no and asking why they don’t do this with your sister? This would drive me nuts.

Let the guilt go as long as its once a week the bond will still be there.
It's important you do things as a family her daddy is entitled to this time more than grandparents.

Your sister is prob more assertive! My mother tried this. I usually call Sat. You can swop with your sister come Sunday. It was presumed!! I said no Ive plans for Sunday mam. She just presumes Ive no plans.

I'm at my wits end !!

My SD (32) has 4 children BGBB 11, 10, 8 & 5 she is a lazy parent and this is very much reflected in the children's behaviour !

We live over 400 miles away but travel every 6 weeks to spend the weekend with them and as the kids are getting older, we are beginning to dread every visit because the kids are feral.

I say DD is lazy, she is dealing with MH problems and I fully understand how difficult it is, but home conditions are poor, the children are all on CP register due to neglect and home conditions, absolutely no routine kids are always late to school or not at school attendance between 72 - 86 %, School have concerns about the emotional stability of all 4 children and on top of this the kids behaviour is completely unacceptable and at times embarrassing.

DD & DH with 4 children live in a 2 bed council flat, and constantly blame home contions on lack of space, this does excuse the filth and dirt around the flat, left over food and general ingrained dirt, I won't even use the toilet at the flat.

DD insists that the kids all have autism, but as someone who has worked within child development arena, they don't show signs of autism when we are present, it's poor parenting with absolute no disapline meaning the kids are unable to regulate emotions or deal with the answer no !

DD will pander to them, give in for an easy life, it's driving us crazy. DD will send videos of the kids in complete meltdowns, screaming, crying, fighting, shouting, throwing and breaking toys and displaying really unsettled behaviours.

The kids are allowed on social media and xbox, from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep, absolutely no supervision and no checking on what they are on.

We are incredibly firm and make things very clear, which all the kids understand our boundaries and when with us without DD we have no problems in managing the behaviour but admittedly by the end of the weekend we are so tired !

We've spoken to DD and her DH about our concerns and we just get the same answer, which is " you don't have them 7 days a week" which is true and I understand it maybe difficult but she doesn't seem to understand that she needs to up her parenting. she has been on countless Parenting courses, improvement is seen during the period of her attending the classes and within weeks, they have reverted back to how she was before, she has no ability to sustain positive changes.

We have given money to try and support and ease the burden, we contribute financially to cover the cost of weekly shopping, taxi's to try and make sure the kids get to school.

DH is the only reason why these kids are still at home, he is 100% the better parent and I know SS have spoken about him having full sole care of the children, but he is only the father to the youngest. 3 oldest have father who is in prison and have had no contact for at least 8 years with paternal extended family members.

DH has suggested that we take all 4 children and this is what the SW is pushing for, we have in principle agreed to this, but I'm really concerned that I'm going to be the one who has to take on the responsibility for these children all of whom we love deeply, but I can't shake feeling resentful that I'm going to have to give up my life to care for these children that I didn't choose to have.

We are very comfortable financially, no morgage and income of around £150k per year, we have the bedroom space, plenty of outdoor space but here comes my issue....

We've been having IVF and I want a family of my own, this has been my dream, if we take our grandchildren, I'm guessing what I want is going to have to be sidelined to priorities our grandkids, am I selfish for wanting to put myself first when 4 kids really need us ?

Also my DH is 64, I'm 41, what do I do.if anything happens and I left with 4 children

This is a good suggestion as to what to say, OP. It won’t help with the guilt, I know, at least initially — but if you keep saying it, hopefully it will become easier for you AND they’ll get the message.

I think you’ve accidentally posted on someone else’s thread rather than creating your own.

Immensely valid question
God Bless You&Yours

I think you were out of your mind to marry an old man with a daughter whose life is suchba mess.

What on earth are you doing considering taking on these children that are not yours and sacrifing your life?

Of course there is a possibility you will be left rearing them, he is an old man.

My husband is a similar age as am I and you are very foolish to get in any way involved.

Time to rethink your marriage and start making better decisions for yourself.

Have a child by a donor on your own.
It would be far easier than taking on 4 children that aren't yours.

Don't be bulldozed by your old husband and SS.
This suits them.
It will be you doing this.

Madness.
Apologies if that is harsh, but ig is Madness.

Lots of good advice here (including needing to ride out the discomfort of sticking to your guns and not caving when they try to guilt you into changing a ‘no’.) I just want add you also need to think about what your daughter will learn from your example. You want her to know when she grows up that you can be considerate of others but still say no sometimes, set boundaries for herself and not be beset by guilt if she does. For your parents I’d set a clear ongoing guideline. ‘We can’t do weekends at the moment - that’s family time with DH’. And every time they ask just say ‘you know we can’t do weekends. See you when you get back/next Tuesday/in a couple of weeks’ I’m sure they get a lot of pleasure from your visits but - it doesn’t mean they have the right to it whenever it suits them especially as you see them often (do you WANT to see them that often…. Guess that’s the next question but, first things first)

You may have what has been described as the disease to please i.e. saying yes when u really want to say no . I don’t think u are being unreasonable , but I also don’t think ur parents are being unkind just consider this , ur parents obviously enjoy ur company & of their grandchild , but it’s important for the sake of ur marriage that u get to spend time with hubby & child on your own , u MUST be upfront & tell them u have plans & don’t give in to any emotional blackmail etc . Arrange a mutually convenient time for visits .

Hi op I get the guilt feeling long term people pleaser here and it’s a horrible feeling saying no but by saying yes your putting yourself 2nd them and they don’t do it for you. but you have said you make effort to see them and they never change their plans for you so why should you for them. It’s more important for dd to have family time with her own parents than grandparents so maybe one weekend you can see them but when it’s suit you and your family and that weekend don’t go in the week your sister is putting herself first there should be a compromise between you and dm &df but they cannot and should not dictate when it is best for them. You might feel guilty but that easier over time and sometimes make it a half day and you have the other half she’s your dd. The more you give in the more they will keep doing this. They’re not old and fragile why can’t they visit you now and then you have dd, a job, a partner and a house to look after and yourself please remember that.

This!!

I think what you need to do here is set your boundaries. They’ve certainly set theirs, not in a malicious way but in a take it for granted way. Start putting yourself first, nobody else will :)

This!

If a friend was in this situation and asked your advice, what would you say? I'm guessing (hoping) that you'd support their right to make decisions for their immediate family (daughter, partner) without guilt. So, why would you not support yourself in the same way.

Because guilt is self-imposed. You choose to feel guilty, but you don't have to. Nobody can make you feel guilty. It's completely down to you.

Just tell them. You love them and love seeing them but the weekends are for you, your husband and child. End of.

"my sister is unbothered about offending anyone so she will simply say no or just not reply at all. It’s a running joke in the family that she is hard to get hold of. "

It's an excellent deflecting strategy, placing focus on your sister's understandable boundary setting and turning it into 'family joke' rather than considering it's the expectations of others that are unreasonable...

@Yunallp i think most posters are missing the point or haven’t read your update where you say how much they guilt trip you. You’re not doing it to yourself. You’re saying no to them but your parents are emotionally manipulating you and guilt tripping you into saying yes because you’re a nice person. That’s them taking advantage of you and manipulating you. All the blame lies with them, none of it lies with you. They know what they’re doing, it’s manipulative and horrible. My dad used to do it to me. Once when I said I couldn’t get Christmas off work so couldn’t see him on Christmas Day he said “well if you’re happy being the kind of person who would make a choice like that then you go for it”. If it’s a regular pattern and causing you distress then that’s in the realms of emotional abuse imo. To deliberately and knowingly make someone (who you supposedly love) feel so bad about themselves that they agree to what you want is incredibly manipulative. I’d point of to them how they’re making you feel but if they’re classic manipulators like my dad don’t expect any admission of wrongdoing on their part or an apology. I’d just be firm when you say no and tell them you’re not going to allow them to emotionally manipulate you anymore and try not to feel guilty. You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about

As many PP have said, build a thicker skin and stand up for yourself OP! Just say no, or “that doesn’t work for us”. In the gentlest way, this is more a problem about how you deal with things. Obviously they are being pushy and guilt-trippy, which is not nice - but you need to assert yourself and stop feeling guilty.