To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

Problem is, this isn’t the same as a friend saying “you never make time for me” or similar. When it comes to your parents most people feel a sense of duty and guilt at not doing enough etc. There’s a strong emotional element that can’t be compared to being too much of a people pleaser or “growing a thicker skin” when, for example your friends get pissed off with you for never making time to join them on nights out. This is OP’s parents manipulating her by using their position as parents against her, deliberately and knowingly making her feel as if she is selfish, doesn’t care about them enough, isn’t a good enough daughter. It’s not so easy to shrug these comments off and just not care about what they think. Anyone with a half decent relationship with their parents cares what they think. It’s wired into us. It’s especially difficult, and likely triggering if her parents were like this when she was a child, which they likely were if they are now. Maybe people who haven’t experienced this just don’t get it, but growing up with a parent who is always guilt tripping you is emotional abuse and it can have a serious impact on your self-esteem and self-worth. As a child I was always told I had ruined various different things for my dad, that if I really cared about him I’d stay home with him, that I was selfish to have friends etc. - This may be more extreme than what the OP is describing but the point is a parent has emotional power over a child (even an adult child) and they know that. To deliberately and repeatedly use that power to make their child feel as if they’re not good enough so they can get what they want is a form of emotional abuse.

Like this:
"my sister is unbothered about offending anyone so she will simply say no or just not reply at all. It’s a running joke in the family that she is hard to get hold of. They definitely know I will reply as I always do. And I wouldn’t want to ignore them and don’t agree with my sister’s approach in doing that, personally. I just with they respected me in the same way and let me live my life a bit. They are very active and have full lives, I feel like I have to factor them in every week and work out how to make excuses, I hate it"

You need to get your"big girl" pants on and deal properly with your parents. So long as you keep on giving in to them then they are going to keep on taking advantage.

Get in front of the mirror and PRACTISE what you need to say to them:
"we want to see you and dd this weekend" - sorry mum, weekends are family time
"Oh but couldn't you just rearrange..." - sorry mum, I've already told you that's not up for discussion
"But we hardly see her" - don't be ridiculous we spent the whole day with you just last Tuesday
"Mrs X sees so much more of her grandchildren" - this isn't a competition you know

OP I think this is an awful lot of time spent with grandparents. We see my in-laws - who I absolutely adore - about once a month. My own parents (they live abroad) twice a year.

To help you say no to your parents/ start setting out the boundaries you want (and to make memories with your own nuclear family), you could try reading Mel Robbins 'Let Them' theory.

I agree with other suggestions about firming up boundaries. Yes, you may need to be a stuck record…

Also, maybe there is something to be said for your sister’s approach a bit. Especially if parents start the guilt tripping. Don’t engage with it. Don’t compensate for your sister. You should feel like you have autonomy over your life, OP.

The guilt you feel when you say 'no' to them when they make demands of you is self inflicted. Harsh I know, but true.They clearly do try to guilt-trip you because they know it works!
You know in your heart that you need to learn to say no and stick to it. You have the RIGHT to say no! It sounds as though your sister has been doing that and they are respecting her boundaries. No need to fall out with your parents-just be firm but polite.
You are an adult, with your own family, and your family is now your priority, not your parents.

You know the answer! If you feel it's too much tell them that! and keep it to what suits you...they are not being "unkind" they are just being grandparents who get great enjoyment from their grandchildren. But it's up to you when it suits to visit, you keep saying "I feel guilty", well that's down to you to work on, if you keep giving in it will continue, if you insist you are busy wtf are they going to do? What are you frightened of? The only answer is the one you know already, say "can't make it weekends as we are so busy", keep going on the day and time that suits you, the longer this suiting them goes on the harder it will be to change so start now!

Don't make excuses! Because you will run out of them! Just tell them the truth if visiting on a Thursday tell them "ill see you next Thursday" and if they say "oh we wanted to see yous at the weekend" just say "can't as weekends are for me dd and her daddy to have time together, but we'll be over on Thursday.

Sometimes it stops for a couple of weeks then it just starts up again. I really struggle with boundaries as I feel guilt over the smallest thing so this is really hard for me to manageTo which you can reply "Remember our conversation a couple of weeks ago. For the last 2 weeks you have done exactly I asked, thankyou. I'm not going to keep repeating myself so can we just move on please. My view hasn't changed!"

@Yunallp how has it been going? Any plans that have not involved your parents?

Tried to be more assertive. Explained we were busy but could meet on x date (usual week day we meet). It’s been met with messages without kisses and texts asking what I’m doing today (again) having already explained I’m busy.

The kisses thing I know is petty and I should just ignore it but it’s still hurtful. I do actually feel ok having stood my ground and tried to ignore it but I hate that it even has to be like this.

Ignore the pettiness. You are seeing them and ignore any messages asking your plans again when you have already told them. You don't have to explain. Good luck with it all.

@Cecemonkeylou thanks. It’s hard though as the guilt creeps in

I've been there, it is so hard but it's your families life too and you should have autonomy over that. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong

This is a communication issue, surely.

They want to see you, and they're in a pattern of expectation: they ask, you will come. But you're not in that pattern at all (quite rightly).

If they are reasonable, can you have a conversation where you say you feel pressured, and you would like to see them, but they have to take a different approach with you and factor in that you are hellishly busy and tired. So if they want to see their granddaughter, they can take her out, or come round for a couple of hours, when it works for both of you - but they have got to stop expecting that you make all the physical effort because you are just not able to right now. Tell them that it is beginning to be a problem and you don't want to be avoiding them but that's what'll happen if they don't grow the fuck up

Your sister is a bit of a red herring. No parent treats any two siblings the same. Whatever the reason they don't do it with her: they probably can't even articulate it.

Well done Yuna no not easy. Had it myself. Unfortunately with work days are limited. So if mine kicks off I say grand see you next week! So its up her then I call or she has nobody

Its Ok to feel guilty. It won’t kill you. Its preferable to rage snd resentment.

Try to sit with the feeling, literally and metaphorically. Just tune into it “oh, there’s that guilt feeling again.” Try to put it on a little leaf floating by in a river and let it go. Sometimes I put myself on a train and imagine guilt as a stop that I don’t choose to get off at. I sit in my seat, mentally, and go “oh no, this express train doesn’t stop at Guilt. Guess I will keep going to my destination. Bye bye!”

@pikkumyy77 thank you that is really helpful! I will try and think of this x

You are doing it to yourself because of the guilt feelings. Whatever is going on you need to look at this because it sounds miserable.

Become comfortable with your emotions and feelings and accept you feel guilty, sad, disappointed - whatever it is. You also know this is how your parents behave, you need to change your expectations and accept them for who they are. You feel hurt because you expect them to behave differently. If you accept that you can't change them and you know they'll try the passive aggressive treatment, you can change how you react.

I wonder if poster means, OP, that we only feel guilty with our permission. As previous poster mentions, it is good to learn to sit with a guilt feeling. Also good to learn prioritise what you want to feel guilty about if you’re going to feel it at all. Focus on your direct, own, new family that you have created, you are not responsible for your parents behaviour, however, you are for how you respond to it. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

I think your parents are helping you here. Think of your feelings of guilt as web or network of bonds holding you back. Now think of those missing kisses; got a text that should have had 3 kisses ... that's 3 strands of the web that have just pinged free.
Repeat as necessary until you feel better about yourself and see your parents behaviour for the manipulation it is.

You're a lovely Mum, Daughter & compassionate person
You have a good, kind caring conscience so I'm sure everyone close to you knows, wholeheartedly, you would never do anything to upset others intentionally

They may not be pressuring your sister, your sister maybe just be better at enforcing her boundaries.

Immensely true, good insight & guidance

Just wanted to remind you that you’re not being unreasonable with what you’re asking for. You feel guilty because that’s what you’ve been taught to feel when you dare to put your needs before others but the feelings won’t last or kill you. As others have said, acknowledge the guilt, accept the feeling, then let it go. Cheering you on from the sidelines as a recovering people pleaser!