To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

[Yunallp]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair, hence the post.

I have a 3 year old daughter and we make the effort to see my parents on a weekly basis usually for a most of a day. At weekends I like to spend time with DP and DD and we take her on trips or days out. DP works long hours and often misses bedtime so we like to make the most of the weekends.

My sister has three boys all under 5 and they live an hour away. For some reason unknown to me, she is not pressurised in the way I am.

Every week without fail I am asked if we can meet at weekends and it’s getting awkward, frustrating and exhausting having to constantly say no. We do sometimes meet them at a weekend but equally they are often away or have their own plans… if I asked them to be free when they had plans they wouldn’t change them that’s for sure!! I feel like a filler in sometimes. It’s lovely that they want to see dd and I always ensure they have regular time with her but I feel so suffocated by the guilt tripping that happens every weekend.

Example, they are going away next week to Spain and therefore they want to see dd this weekend despite us already having plans. They booked it last minute and saw dd on Tuesday all day.

I often ask what my sister is doing but they don’t seem to apply the same pressure to her. I am easily guilt tripped so maybe they think it’s easier with me. Am I being unfair or is this shitty behaviour?

Since she did not say this at all you might want to rethink this post.

You're acting against your family's best interests out of fear, obligation, and guilt.

What are you afraid of?

Please be aware @Yunallp that in 20 years time you will be the one looking after them in their old age. You have to get those boundaries up now.

I think there is a huge amount of good advice here. I would only add that it could be good practice for you setting boundaries generally as you’ll need to do that with your DD throughout her life so the sooner you get used to communicating clearly and consistently in such situations the better for all. As a PP said, wish I had learnt this many years sooner than I did.

Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. Feeling guilty isn't going to harm you. Don't be scared of a feeling, be curious about why it's there.

You have the power here.

The terrible feeling in her stomach probably ! I can relate. Saying no to ones mother or even disagreeing when you have been groomed to not do those things is very nerve wracking. But can be done. I remember at school girls saying on i had a real argument with my mum last night, I could not imagine that being a thing.

So take control.

You want what your sister has, autonomy, but you're unwilling to do what's necessary to have it.

You don't seem to be able to make the link that the whole reason your sister doesn't have to cater to their every whim, is because she chooses not to allow them to dictate her plans.

You need to be more like her. Be less available, don't answer the phone, say no and stop feeling guilty when you do.

At the moment, the only reason this situation is continuing is because you want it to. Because you prefer having your weekends spoilt to the risk of hurting your parents feelings.

In short, either accept being a doormat, or choose not to be.

Your sister sees them on her terms and they know that. If you want them to respect you the same way they respect your sister, then you have to stand up to them.

Pre-emp them. Say "hey mum and dad, we are busy the next two weekends, but completely free the weekend after, do you want to meet up then?"

You want to see them, but not every weekend, so make it happen, get definite plans made and stick to them.

I'm like your sister. I've never been very family orientated and I'm hard to get hold of. I was off like a rocket as soon as I got my a levels.

Would they babysit overnight? Win win. You get to go out, they get uninterrupted gdc time.

It really is high time you set some boundaries and stick to them. Your sister has, which is why they don't treat her in the same way they treat you. It's the only solution to your problem.

The thing to remember, @Yunallp, is that you are getting better at setting your boundaries every time you do it. You may not be able to see it, but you are!

@Yunallp "I really struggle with boundaries as I feel guilt over the smallest thing so this is really hard for me to manage."

Here's your answer. Out of my siblings, my parents only ever guilty trip my sister - they know they can't get away with it with either me or my brother, so they don't even try (and I don't think they ever have, so they obviously knew from when we were kids we wouldn't put up with it). My dad has confided in my brother that they see our sister as a bit of a wet lettuce and it's 'such a shame' she's not as strong as us - though I guarantee if we said they were putting pressure on her they'd be mortally offended!

What happened when you were a child? Did they guilt trip you if you ever went against their wishes?
If so you need realise you’re an adult now, you have your own family and you are allowed to put your plans first.

Just say “sorry, we have plans, maybe see you next week”.
If they come back with anything just repeat you can’t do it.

The only thing you can change in this situation is you, OP. You are an adult, you are making good choices for your family. You do not need to respond with any guilt at all when you say no to your parents’ requests. That is what you need to work on changing,

My mother is like this every weekend she used to want to do things despite messaging me daily
I did have to eventually say that we like our weekends to ourselves and she did accept it but occasionally will try it on with a weekend so I just politely say no I can’t sorry!

Would it not be easier OP to just say you are never ever free at weekends and hold that boundary rather than constantly being under pressure to consider all sorts and giving mixed messages by sometimes saying yes.

It sounds like you need to get comfortable with letting people down - have you always been a people pleaser with your parents? Get comfortable with uncomfortable emotions like guilt. You can't change other people, but you change how you react to their actions. Putting boundaries in place is a choice.

You’re doing this to yourself. Decide not to feel guilty. It’s fine. They see you and your DD loads. They won’t change, so change your approach.

Of course your parents are being unkind, they don’t care what plans you have, why you don’t want to come over, they want to do as they want and will manipulate you, until you give in.
You have to say no and stop letting them treat you like their puppet, by letting the guilt they churn out sway your decision. I

This.

This issue is of your own making and it’s down to you to resolve. They are not going to change and if anything it will get worse as they get older if you have established a pattern of springing to their every command. It will be shopping, prescriptions, laundry and personal care endlessly.

not a popular opinion but family time is crucial for your child and her development and that means being around grandparents and cousins which i assure she would enjoy far more than going out with her parents alone. your partner can do bedtimes on weekends if they miss that, it shouldn’t interfere with daytime plans. honestly, i would make the most of these young years and the time they are able to get together rather than make it a selfish petty thing of oh i have to work around their calendar. look at the bigger picture - and in fact it’s much less burden on you too to have your kid play with her cousins and have your parents be more hands on. this individualism is purely a new and western thing, which pretty much sucks cos you are only punishing yourself by fixating on “we have to work around them/ we are not flexible”. let your kid grow up as close as possible to her extended family because that will nourish her.

It's not enough to set a marker, you have to follow through.

Sometimes it stops for a couple of weeks then it just starts up again.

"You're doing it again, I've asked you not to, you know how it makes me feel. You haven't respected my wishes so I'm going to be taking a bit of space from you over the next few weeks. Please don't call me. Text me if there's an emergency."

Don't reply to non emergency messages, don't answer their calls. The ball is in their court. They'll learn some respect or they won't see you.

Manage their expectations by putting them on mute so you don't see their texts until you'reready to answer them.

Tell them each time they request a weekend visit that dd is spending time with your dh hence your unavailability. You can meet them occasionally for dinner one evening so the time spent is limited.

Put your phone on do not disturb each evening so you can't be contacted unless it's an emergency.

Have you tried a shared calendar with them , that way you can add in the weekends your free and the weekends your not and they can check the calendar to see when you have time for a visit .

With regards to why they favour seeing you…as an aunt with many nieces and nephews, if I had to
choose between spending time with a girl child as opposed THREE boys under the age of 5, I know which one I’d choose! 😆