Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

I think she is being very sensible choosing not to go. Personally I was quite open about our infertility when we were going through it so I think I would have been honest and explained why I wasn’t going to the pregnant mum.

You say 'we completely understand, please don't feel any pressure to come. Let us know if you need to talk. Lots of love.'

I think you just support her decision and reach out to do non baby related things

I’d go with what @ScrewedByFunding suggested, it’s what I think I’d want to hear if I was in that position.

As you say : its her choice. And I think its a really understandable decision on her part.

All you and her other friends can do is not put pressure on her to attend things which are a source of upset for her.

This. I’d have not have been able to go when I was struggling with infertility. Baby showers are bad enough (imo) even without infertility thrown into the mix.

Thanks, I'll try to be as supportive as I can !

I can’t stand when people do things like this, or get upset over people being pregnant. Let other be happy

As a man in his 50s who went through iui, ivf and everything else, you need to understand she is struggling. It is beyond shite. In time, even if she doesn't become a parent she MAY be able to do these things...but it will be hard for her

Better for all if she swerves this one - she can send a card and add to the festivities that way.

Support her. Be kind to her, she’s really hurting and is quietly, politely protecting herself. It’s good that she can be vulnerable with some of the group too so you can all support her.

As she hasn't actually told you, I wouldn't say anything. I skipped a couple of very child centric occasions when I was going through recurrent miscarriage. I'm sure some people guessed why I was coincidentally too busy for these things, but I wouldn't have wanted them to have commented on it.

When I was struggling with infertility I took exactly the same decision to protect my mental health. Please try to be there for your friend and support her in anyway that you can. Such occasions are torture for somebody who is struggling with fertility.

🙄🙄

This but I would also make a point of arranging to see her for non-baby stuff so she knows she doesn't need to feel embarrassed or unreasonable about it.

I had to refuse baby showers when I was struggling with infertility as I would have literally burst into tears had I gone. Not being dramatic. It’s hard to convey how sad it feels unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Give your friend lots of support and understanding.

You can’t stand people struggling. Nice.
She’s made a decision to protect herself from more hurt, that’s more than reasonable.

Infertility is heartbreaking. A baby shower would be the last thing you’d want to attend.

have you had any fertility struggles? How many pregnancies have you lost?

When I was single I remember finding weddings tough, especially as I was one of the only people without a plus one.

I think she is making the right choice for her and aslong as know one is pressuring her or making her feel guilty about her decision I don't think you need to do anything otherwise it just turns it into a bigger deal then it needs to be. When she is confiding in you the real reason just tell her you completely understand and she needs to do what's right for her

I feel it’s possible to do both. She can feel pleased for her friend and wish her well, maybe even sending a gift, whilst at the same time protecting her own wellbeing by not attending the baby shower.

I agree - non-baby amusements and fun times are the order of the day. They’re much more fun anyway. As long as she realises that her trials don’t trump others’ baby joy, everyone’s being supported.

I think it's totally reasonable. Baby showers aren't important so not accepting an invitation shouldn't bother anyone. I can't imagine anyone would get too upset about her not attending.

In all honesty shes not unreasonable to avoid baby showers just because they're a grabby americsnised event that should be best avoided.

She's also NBU to avoid for her own mental health.