Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

Totally up to her.

However I do wonder why if it was a different scenario, others probably wouldn't be so sympathetic...so if a single friend said they weren't attending weddings because it was too difficult, I doubt they'd get much understanding.

Is there anything that she would like to do without being there? The actual being there might be the hardest thing but she might still want to sign a card or donate something towards a game. Just ask her if she'd like to partake in a different way. She may say no and that's entirely her choice but acknowledging her might be nice for her.

I went to a close friend's baby shower a month after I'd had a second consecutive miscarriage. It was absolutely flipping hard but I wanted to celebrate especially as mum was having triplets and had a tough time herself with infertility. I did however travel to it with another friend. I told this friend how hard I was finding it. We made a pact that if I was struggling that she would cover for me taking a moment outside or whatever without it being a big deal to anyone else there.

I’d find any excuse not to go to a baby shower. Naff as fuck.

I don't think its the same thing single people can get a boyfriend or a date for a wedding if they really want to as people can't always just get pregnant when they want to.

agree

So we went through years of miscarriages and in those years it felt like everyone woman I knew got pregnant and had a baby! We’re in a large church loads of 18-30s and it felt like those babies were popping out left right and centre. Every time there was a baby shower. So I took them on a case by case plan. If I knew the person super well, I would guard myself and try to go, if I didn’t know them well I wouldn’t go, if it was in between I’d literally see how I felt on the day. Someone once kindly asked me “do you want to be invited going forward to these” and that was a really hard answer. I tried to put the other person first and be happy for them, but it was rough and I’d so often end up in my car in tears.
now I have 2 boys and I see those girls at like me at showers and I so feel for them. I think best thing to do is actually ask her, ask her what she wants and make it mega clear that there’s no pressure at all and no offence taken if she doesn’t come. I would often say “baby showers are difficult for me, so I’m not going to come but I am thrilled for you and hope you have a wonderful time, I’d love to take you for coffee some time in the weeks before your baby comes. I’d then try and do a one to one coffee with a gift, I found that more manageable

I think this afternoon an assumption that those of us going through fertility issues aren’t happy for the person who’s having a baby of course we are happy for that person. We don’t want anyone to go through the same pain that we’re going through but sometimes it could just be really difficult to show up and be in that space where is so in your face

Poor lady. Totally understandable why she declines these invitations and I'm sure all the mums to be understand too. I struggled to get dd and couldn't be near anything baby wise. Luckily I had family and friends like you who understood. The pain is physical and heart stopping. Sometimes you need to look after yourself

Good for her. My friends were dreadful when I was going through infertility. Damaged me a lot.

Absolutely this.

I did go to a few baby showers when we were going through infertility but there was one at work I had to duck out of as I just found out we would need ivf and it was too raw. I was happy for him but sad for us.

Baby showers are smug, grabby and naff and must be awful for someone struggling with miscarriage /infertility. Dont say anything but carry on being a friend.

She's not doing anything wrong, she said she was busy but then admitted the real reason. It sounds like the friend she admitted it to is a right old gossip.
Baby showers really aren't a big celebration for everyone else. Leave her be and let her sit out. I'm sure she'll sort the friends with gifts etc when the babies arrive.

I’ve done the same and honestly- it saved my sanity! Infertility is awful and painful and very rarely has a “end point” that is predictable. By which I mean - it can go on for years and years which makes it unbearable at times. At points you really do have to safeguard your own mental health.

To people outside of the infertility bubble it can seem selfish and uncaring but it’s necessary for survival. What she needs is a few friends that can talk non baby life with her and remind her that child free life can be worthwhile too. It’s hard to reconcile that thought with a happy life when everyone is having babies and moving into parenthood because they also become different people but if you can be that friend it will help - just a little at least.

If possible take her out for a glass of wine or something without kids. Infertility can be really lonely.

I think good for her for putting herself first. Her friends will be fine without her there and she doesn't need to put herself though it. You also don't know if there are other things going on such as losses, not that fertility struggles would not be difficult enough. The last baby shower I went to was when I was pregnant with my first baby. I haven't been invited to one since but I don't think I'd go unless it was a very very close friend as I still find them triggering and I've had a healthy child since then. You should be supportive of your friend. To be honest your OP came across to me as if you were judging her.

Baby showers are fucking annoying to be honest.

After years on infertility I refused to attend baby showers. I also waited to meet the babies. I didn't see my BFS baby until he was over6 months.

It wasn't just being around pregnant people that was the problem. It was the jealousy. The feeling of inadequacsy and then the self loathing. All of that on top of cycles of fertility treatment, the drugs and the miscarriages was unbearable.

My friend were really good. They never once made me feel bad or pressured.

Don't be so ridiculous. Single people can't just 'get' a soul mate. In the same way that not everyone can just 'get' pregnant.

I totally agree with the other poster. People seem very sensitive about infertility but are far less kind in other areas of life.

I've been a bridesmaid twice when I had awful boyfriends and was so sad it wasn't me getting the fairytale wedding.

I never ghosted anyone though. Which is what I've had a friend do to me who was struggling with infertility.

Why is that suddenly socially acceptable?

And why do they then want to be in your life again when they do get pregnant when they've been so awful to you previously?

Can you refer to it as "declining" invitations?

"Refusing" to attend sounds like you think she's being unreasonable. Could just be me I suppose.

You respect her decision and understand you can’t possibly understand how she is feeling if you haven’t been through it. Infertility is horrendous at the best of times, it’s truly awful when you’re surrounded by pregnancy/babies. Trust me she’ll be beating herself up about it anyway. It is awful feeling you can’t be happy for people you care about.

She is making the right choice for her, but also for the others too

I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer two years ago. I don’t resent the fact that my friends are healthy and happy by refusing to meet them. Will she expect people to attend her baby showers if she does become pregnant in the future?

Where has she stopped the pregnant person being happy? Such a narrow perspective. If she went and became emotional that could put a damper on the celebrations so by choosing to stay away she is actually being considerate along with protecting her own mental health.

My point generally was that we celebrate events in people's lives and we don't always have those things ourselves. So let's say a friend is having a housewarming and you are struggling to buy a home... would it be socially acceptable to say you aren't going because you're upset about your own situation? I'm not sure either way but I think it's an interesting question

Who's talking about a soul mate I'm talking about if you don't want to be single at a wedding its an easy fix having a baby with fertility issues is not