Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

I think fertility issues are way deeper then property

Hard agree. I don’t know when they started being part of British culture, I wish they would go away. I’ve been to loads, and they’ve all exclusively been awful, and that’s when I wasn’t TTC. It would be a definite no at this point after two miscarriages. If I ever do have a successful pregnancy, it will be a nice meal out somewhere in the evening whilst I still have evenings free!

Completely fine to do whatever she needs to put her MH first. However when it is her turn and her friends don’t show up, then she must accept that can happen too.

If her friends are this petty and completely lack any understanding to her situation then they aren't real friends

Let's hear it for the person who has no empathy, and has clearly never had ongoing fertility issues (and I confidently predict you'll be here to explain that you have).

It is perfectly possible to be pleased for someone whilst finding it incredibly painful. She isn't demanding the event is cancelled, she isn't refusing to speak to her pregnant friends, she has turned down an invitation and explained why.

I mean my parents died when I was young, if a friend invited me to their parents anniversary party... would it be socially acceptable for me to say my parents are dead so I'm too upset to celebrate yours?

A wedding is different imo. Some people consider it a sacrament so it's a religious thing. Even if you aren't religious it's a pretty big deal to be making a huge public commitment. Whereas you can meet a baby any time after birth and baby showers aren't obligatory. They don't even involve the actual baby!

Baby showers are, in my opinion, a ridiculous thing that no one should be expected to attend, especially if they have their own pain around wanting to have a child and being unable to conceive.

If people want to throw them, fine. I'm sure it's often harmless fun and a nice thing for an expecting parent. But expecting other people to swallow their pain to participate is bullshit. Ultimately they're just another way of commercialising a normal life event so that people feel pressured to spend loads of money in my probably very cynical view (yes I have a child of my own, and no I had no interest in having a baby shower of my own.)

Just one woman's grumpy perspective.

👏🏻 you put this much better than I could! I avoided baby showers - not because I wasn’t happy for my friend but because when you are struggling with fertility issues going to an event so focussed on pregnancy is unbearable, especially when you are inevitably asked by your friends auntie if you want/when you’re going to have children. What are you supposed to do in that situation - tell the truth and dampen the mood (to someone your barely know), or lie and feel like shit ? Plus if someone is also going through fertility treatment they will be so full of hormone drugs which is just going to make them feel even worse. There are other ways to celebrate your friends baby than attending a baby shower, which if the friendship is a good one your friend will do

Let Me guess you have children and aren’t infertile because if you were you wouldn’t make nasty comments like that

It's not about not allowing other people to be happy. It's about making a sensible choice for oneself when in a recognisably vulnerable place and understanding one's own limits.

I'm currently struggling ttc our second child. 2+ years, miscarriage, failed IVF. I am avoiding pregnant friends at the moment as it's too hard, so would avoid a baby shower too. I don't care if that's unreasonable. You do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Well frankly yes, I think that would be acceptable. Why should people have to participate in celebrations for others that will make they themselves feel shit and remind them of painful things? Everyone has their own threshold for what they can or want to put up with. It's fine to ask someone to celebrate something lovely with you like a baby or an anniversary, but if that morphs into a sense of entitlement that people should attend out of loyalty / duty to you regardless of their own feelings, that becomes selfish and ridiculous. It's not as though a baby shower is really that important or the only way to show you care about someone and their growing family.

I think it's always pretty socially acceptable to not go to a friend's parents' anniversary party... But in all seriousness, I think it's about the intensity of the current situation, and normally people who are struggling with baby showers are at quite an intense stage of their own fertility journey. To go back to your previous example, I agree that people wouldn't be that sympathetic to a single person not wanting to attending weddings, but would be much more so to someone who had recently had their own wedding called off. No one would blame someone who didn't want to attend the friend's parents' party because their own dad had recently died. I think that's the difference: someone suffering from infertility may be in an active grieving stage, which is why it's quite different to not going to a housewarming because you don't own a house.

When going through infertility and wanting desperately to be a mum, one word sums up baby showers and it’s ‘agony’. It hurts because you so desperately want it to be you, you are envious and angry at the person who is expecting and that in turn even hurts because you love your friend and you want to feel whole heartedly happy for her but you just can’t! It’s really difficult and I think if she would prefer not to go and safeguard her feelings, I completely understand. I used to dread them, but I thank God every day that my dream of becoming a mum has came true now ❤️

Gift grabs Baby showers are a comparatively recent thing. I suppose they're the christening replacement in a secular society. I find them uncomfortably consumerist and pretty cringe though. I'm probably just old, wasn't remotely a thing when my DC were born.

I can understand if she wants to skip it if she feels she can't cope with it and might be upset, which might detract from the mum to be's happiness. It's probably the right thing to do for everyone. Not everyone can put a brave face on it, and if you go to one shower but not others then people might feel slighted, so probably best for her to just not. It's a really tough thing for friendships to go through when some are having kids and others can't. Being open about it helps, so let your friend know that it's OK, she can support her mum to be friends in other ways that don't involve big public displays of baby fever.

If you're to upset to celebrate then yes

100% disagree. It’s not about “letting others be happy”, her presence doesn’t dictate their happiness.

Your friend is protecting herself by not going Op and you should support that.

Of course it would, if that’s how you felt.

Baby showers are not compulsory. Lots of people find them naff and cringy. It's fine fir your friend to find something she'd rather do instead, whatever the reason.

Poor thing. Good for her for protecting herself a bit, it’s entirely understandable.

I had a miscarriage and decided to decline a christening. It all felt so raw.

As others have said, organise non-baby things to do. Most of all be kind and chilled and let her know you’re in her corner.

I hope she gets pregnant soon and has a healthy pregnancy and a lovely baby.

This. If you are genuinely someone’s friend and they find and an event/social situation upsetting for a genuine reason - infertility, death etc why on earth would you demand it of them

My dad has been dead a long time. I don’t find things to do with dad’s upsetting. So I’d be fine going to celebrations for dads etc. But if I did find it upsetting that should be ok.

I find them overly materialistic and an unnecessary incorporation of American culture.

I would support her xxxx

OP it's telling that you've described it as 'refusing' rather than 'politely declining'.