Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

Are you serious?
I cried with happiness when my friend just had her baby, I was so unbelievably happy for her. But did I go to her baby shower? No because I recognise that surrounding myself with talk of babies whilst grieving my miscarriage was not the best thing for my own mental health. Also knew that my friend, who knows about my journey, would feel guilty talking baby things around me, and she shouldn’t have to feel like that because it’s her own baby shower. It is possible to feel both happy for a friend whilst in the midst of grief for yourself.

'Wanking into a cup' IS minimising it. As if that's their sole investment into the process of IVF. That is gross.
My husband physically did the injections for me. Prepared the medication. He comes from every appointment because it is a joint process. Just because my body is the one being prodded, it doesn't mean its any less for him. We both consent to it.

Well, you’re entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree with it. And I’d ask you not to minimise my experience by suggesting that my husband’s - or any man’s - experience is equivalent to mine. Physically, hormonally it’s completely different. If you believe that a man experiences pregnancy differently to a woman you can’t generally believe that a man experiences IVF in the same way. But it’s your view and any dishonesty is only dishonesty with yourself so crack on.

And yes, I agree “wanking in a cup” is a gross expression (why I used it) but then wanking in a cup is fairly gross, which is presumably why you allege you would rather go through egg collection, hormone treatment and implantation than do so. But my point is, if something’s gross describing it in such a way is mere accuracy and I suggest you work on desensitising yourself to natural human processes.

Yes, you can. Two people not able to have what they want through no fault of their own. Different people want/need different things.

It’s totally fine, she’s protecting herself (as she should, no one else will).

And I get it, I do the same. And more. I never found a partner, so I drew some lines what I will/can do without hurting myself. I don’t do baby stuff, weddings, engagements anymore. Took me a long time and a therapists to be able to stand up for myself and protect me. All those years that I pushed and pushed and pushed myself - just to get hurt for nothing.

Support your friend, wish I’d had that.

This. There's nothing wrong with the decision your friend has made.

Totally with her on this. It will be absolutely unbearable for her to endure several hours of non-stop baby excitement that she can’t extract herself from and will make her feel utterly awful. Have some compassion. There’s no need for her to be summoned to events designed to shower a mother in gifts.

Can’t compare not having boyfriend to not being able to conceive. Fertility problems are biological, not having a boyfriend is circumstantial and has the ability (and more likely) to change which is unlikely to happen to someone who cannot conceive.

I had a friend having difficulties, and I pushed very hard to have a proper kid-free catch up.

Sadly two of the others bailed near the day with their kids as excuses, but I think that's a real kick in the teeth.

Having your friends be caught up in their kid stuff is really rough when you also want to be caught up in kid stuff but CAN'T be - so I always try to make a special effort for those friends.

who nicked your empathy and support emotions?

Absolutely this. They weren’t a thing when I was young but if they were I wouldn’t have gone. Not my vibe at all and I don’t struggle with turning down invitations.
And I’d think it was really weird if people were discussing why I might not be attending something or other.
Surely the people who want to do baby showers crack on with it not talk about who didn’t come.

No I don't find the process of ejaculating into a cup gross. What I find gross is that you picked on a male poster who expressed they found IVF difficult and belittled them, just because they're a man. You seem to infer it is a less difficult process for the partners, when it isn't.

Would it upset you? I also lost my parents young but can’t think of an equivalent event that has ‘triggered’ me in quite the same way pregnancy/baby stuff did when I was experiencing infertility.

yes you should be able to say you find it too upsetting personally to attend but still send your warm wishes.

Because the friend is declining the invite it doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for her friend

Not quite the same

Very VERY wise of her! She is preventing a breakdown, one which could happen there and then and ruin things for the expectant mother. Is that what you think is preferable? Her breaking down in front of everyone and ruining the atmosphere? She is very, very wise. It would be wrong of here to go there and potentially make a scene and spoil it. And you don't know if she isn't sending a gift in private, or money.

She is very, very wise and should be commended for her foresight to not want to upset the mother and the group.

I struggled with fertility for 10 years. I never went to any baby showers, I was always busy that day. It is not that I was not happy for my friends its just I needed to protect myself. Even now that I have my much longed for baby after many rounds of IVF I still turn down any baby showers, I still find it difficult.

You can compare two people unable to achieve what they most want. It doesn't matter why it's happened and the fact that it could change (i.e. they might meet someone) doesn't alter the fact that it SEEMS as if it's never going to. To that person at that time, it feels like a desperate situation. As I've said, everybody's different, but it's a shame some people seem to have so little empathy for someone who feels desperate for a different reason.

Still disagree with you 100%. Not having a boyfriend cannot be compared to be told you cannot have children.

I'm nearly 20 years post adoption following infertility. I still find new babies hard.

This. I'd also arrange some non baby related gatherings so she feels support and love from friends as clearly this is what friends do for each other.

No judgement on accepting or declining baby showers.

Being infertile is nothing at all like being single, it's insensitive to even link the two. It was very smart of your friend not to go. She is thinking of everyone. More struggling women should do they same. You should be praising her for her sacrifice. She'll probably give the mother-to-be a gift privately. That's what I would do.

That's her choice, she seems to be trying not to make it a big deal.

Only time I get mad about it is when people refuse to attend anything baby related and ignore other babies being born but then expect all the bells and whistles they refused to participate in for others for their own pregnancy if they then are fortunate enough to go on and conceive.

I’ve never had fertility struggles but even I know that it cannot, in any way, be compared to being single.