Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

Im sorry, but with the greatest respect - and as a woman who actually went through these things - as a male you did not “go through” IVF. I understand you suffered the pain of infertility but not while having countless intimate exams, injections, your hormones interfered with, painful egg collection etc.

I understand what you meant but to suggest wanking into a cup was “going through” IVF is both insensitive and deeply offensive to your poor partner who did go through those things.

You sound as if you’re sympathetic to her situation. I hat baby showers anyway. They’re weird and grabby, so I never attend. Close friends I send a gift anyway, but I won’t go.

I never struggled with infertility but as an "old" potential mother, it was always in my mind that I might.
Had there been issues, I think that I would have felt the same and found baby showers a bit of a stab to the heart. She is wise not to go .

I thank my lucky stars that baby showers were not a thing when I was struggling with infertility in the 90s.

I did this with christenings ( baby showers were not a thing when I was TTC)

I had ten years of infertility/treatment/miscarriage before adopting.

All of our friends and family were having babies and the christening invitations kept coming so I started refusing to go to preserve my mental health. I took control of the situation and it was the right thing to do.

As far as I know no one was upset by this and I haven't lost any friends over it.

Having been through similar to your friend would like to add how empathy and kindness is so important
My friends were awful to me for declining these sorts of things and it was really hard. The friendships did not last and it showed me who they were

I empathise as someone who went to her brothers wedding 2 weeks after spliiting up with my boyfriend of five years. It was shit.

But @LillyPJ they are just not comparable. You have your whole life to find someone and its a nice to have for someone with strong self esteem. Once you have had a baby you know that you'd throw the love of your life away over and over and over again to be there for your child. Your partner is just immediately second place no matter how perfect they are. It's a different sort of love and need and conception is time limited in the way that getting married isn't. I love my husband but I biologically knew that i needed my baby the way that I knew I needed air in my lungs before i was even pregnant. If my daughter needed my heart I'd make sure she had it. If she needed my husband's we wouldn't think twice about losing him to save her.

The suffering is a whole different scale.
There are billions of men to work through - many of them will be fine. But if you can't conceive you don't ever have the option of trying for 60 years. Wanting to be married has hope. You might meet your new husband tomorrow. You can vroaden your chances by putting yourself out there. You can change job, join new clubs and sift through some new men, you have some control. Infertility is either constant trauma from appointments, cost, treatment disappointment and... baby showers with friends who don't get it... You aren't taking medications, having physical pain and thinking about it all day. Wanting to be married is a hole in your life that you can largely ignore, for example by being busy at work, whereas infertility is like being being thrown shown the stairs everyday, having pain in your womb through drugs and miscarriage while still showing up to work and pretending you aren't in physical and emotional pain.

Easier said than done, loosing a baby or struggling with infertility is a painful and lonely journey. No one wants be upset over others joy, but it’s obviously not on purpose 🙄

Yes it would…

I don’t understand who posters are giving other examples (like if your parents are dead should you refuse to go to a friend’s parents anniversary, or a wedding/ housewarming if you don’t have these things).

if you think an event is going to be detrimental to your mental health wellbeing you shouldn’t feel obliged to go. Good friends will understand that.

Years ago my sister died, she was a grown fault. About a month later a friend held a Christening for her daughter. She told me that she understood if I didn’t want to go or if I was to leave early. No pressure, if I didn’t want to go I was to just not turn up. I did go, it was fine but I didn’t stay long afterwards, she just sent a message that night thanking me for coming and sending a lot of love.

I think friends should support friends to look after themselves.

I find it difficult to empathize and it would put me off them a bit as a person. I struggled with fertility for over a decade and just did not see the world this way at all. It’s such a mean spirited way to treat others.

To be fair everything is a completely made up thing, however far back in history you go.

She is letting them be happy. By not going, she’s avoiding showing them her own distress.

Seriously? Baby showers weren’t a thing 20 years ago, but if they were, I would not have gone to one when I was mired in the misery of infertility. I could probably have managed to go when I was dealing with mcs because I had DS1, but not when I had no DC of my own. I couldn’t have stood it.

That is really bizarre, that you’ve struggled with infertility yourself but can’t empathise with others in the same situation.

I think it’s more mean spirited to make someone feel bad for trying to protect their mental health. I’m sure you can understand that people react and cope differently things like fertility struggles. I think a good friend would understand this.

Maybe you’ve never been in the position of struggling to conceive whilst your peers are all having babies. It’s absolutely awful - pretending to be happy for someone else’s pregnancy when you’re devastated that it’s not you.

If you haven’t struggled with infertility you can’t comment on what a person in this situation should do. I can totally understand why your friend doesn’t go to baby showers. I wouldn’t go either due to my own personal reasons involving a deeply personal loss.
Baby showers thankfully didn't exist here when I was younger.

I'm sorry but this is a crass comment. My husband's experience of IVF was so much more than wanking into a cup. He did the injections, came with me to the appointment and had the same feelings of sadness of devastation when it failed. How dare you minimise this poster's experience. Fwiw, I would much rather the painful transfers than pleasure myself in a clinic room tbh

When I was struggling with fertility, a pregnancy announcement would knock me for six. Thankfully baby showers weren’t the norm but I definitely wouldn’t have been able to go.

I specifically said I understood he was as devastated. But come on, you really believe that the average man goes through the same physical process? Of course they don’t. You say your husband did the injections, do you mean he injected drugs - many being used “off certificate” - into his body or do you mean he gave you them or was there when you did them? The latter are not the same.

also language like “how dare you” is hyperbolic. I obviously dare, but assuming you actually want to know would you like me to explain the mechanism? It’s actually very simple: I think something, examine it to see if it stands up to my scrutiny and if it does, I use my finger to type it on my phone. HTH.

Finally, I don’t agree that I am “minimising” the PP’s experience - I am asking that he does not minimise mine. Which is when we get to the philosophical problems with “subjective truth”. So maybe I should have made it clear that what I was saying was I do not believe that the PP while having suffered the devestation of infertility did “go through” IVF etc in the same way that I did or another female did. And I don’t think he should express himself in the way that he did without being challenged. But feel free to behave obnoxiously if it makes you feel better.

I empathize with infertility, of course. I can’t empathize with infertility being an excuse for failing to be happy your friends find joy from the exact thing that would bring you joy.

I understand people protecting their mental health, if you feel that way about your friends’ pregnancy then it is better to stay away.

But that doesn’t stop it being an unpleasant aspect of your character - to be unable to find joy in your friend’s joy when it has no impact on your own fertility.

Absolutely the right choice and should be respected by others.

It would be better if she could be happy for others and not miserable for herself. However if she can't, she can't and it's better she makes excuses and doesn't go.