Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

I have 2 kids and all my friends have kids from teens to toddlers and hardly anyone had a baby shower. The only one I have been to was for a friend who finally conceived in her early 40s after years of struggling and it was such a lovely outcome that her sisters threw her an amazing surprise party which she really wasn't expecting.

From someone who has also had these issues and still do, please be kind with her.

You have no idea what it's like being the only one who doesn't have what everyone has around them but would kill to have.

That said I have gone to baby showers and been very happy for them.

But I had to come off Facebook as people's happy posts can be a bit triggering.

It's a grief....

My god, you’re going to get some stick this comment.

This sums it up perfectly

Your poor friend! Of course she should not go. Baby showers are grabby, rubbish events anyway.

As opposed to going, feeling exceptionally bitter, drinking too much prosecco, start bitching, making a show of herself and then throwing up in the gifted pram?

Extreme example but 🤷‍♀️

She's doing the right thing and a lot more people could really do with following her lead, it's an invite, not a summons! She knows it will hurt her so leave her be.

She’s not stopping anyone being happy. She’s simply not putting herself in a position where she knows she’d be upset.

she is maybe avoiding triggers, but also chavvy grabby friends saying "give me presents"
rude to pressure anyone to attend.

"friend's celebrations"😂😂🙄

I'm not being funny @MyWorthyGreenScroller but why is this your concern?

not your baby showers, you don’t know what they’ve told the mothers of the showers why she can’t attend. It's not your business if she hasn’t told you what’s going on

I have two children, no infertility issues and I still decline all baby shower invites absolutely guilt free because I don’t enjoy them.
if I was struggling in this way I’d absolutely not feel guilty about saying no.

I am not struggling with fertility (as far as I know) but I still wouldn't go to a baby shower. I think they're ridiculous unless you are American.
Leave your friend alone!

What would I think about it? Nothing other than pity. I pretended to have other plans for a close friend's baby shower - her baby was due the same week as the baby I miscarried (which my friends didn't know about).

I think it's fair enough of your friend. Infertility is a heavy burden to carry and you have to protect yourself.

Plus, I think baby showers are naff!

Do things like what? Decline an invitation to attend something that she can't have and desperately wants, and will make her feel like shit?

She's not stopping them from being happy, shes just avoiding having it rubbed in her face.

It's really difficult to be around pregnant women when you have had miscarriages, or have fertility issues.

I cant stand it when people have no empathy or understanding of what others might be going through.

The way my friends have treated me during my infertility is something I will never forget even when I’m an old lady.

When I couldn’t attend baby showers or found pregnancy announcements upsetting, they went above and beyond to reassure me that it was ok and they were there for me.

They never made me feel like a bad friend (even though that’s I felt) and reminded me of what a good person I am, even when I felt I was letting people down or being too weak, because I couldn’t face these things. They provided kindness at a time when I really needed it. And I will never ever forget how much it meant and how lucky I am to have kind friends like this.

Until fairly recently, they weren't common in this country. In fact when I was a kid, I don't think people used the words "baby shower", "baby sprinkle" or "gender reveal". I would be concerned that having all these pregnancy dos might upset friends who had miscarriages/infertility; yes, they might still be upset when they see the baby, but at least that's not at a big party celebrating pregnancy. Everyone to their own, but as someone who has lost a baby, I'd be wary of a shower, I'd worry people would think I was unreasonable to have a sprinkle, and as for the gender reveal, I know a midwife who says they occasionally get scans wrong-so I definitely wouldn't do that, not that I think it's worth making a big deal about which gender it is as it shouldn't matter nowadays. Only my view, but if I was OP, I'd just invite the friend to non-pregnancy related things.

I’ve done both at different times. Been to the baby shower and gone for an early visit to meet the snuggly newborn, or kept a little distance and sent a card and lots of love. Both were hard, and in both cases I’d hope people would have given me the benefit of the doubt.

Agree with the others, and particularly the sensible message from @ScrewedByFunding and the suggestion of organising a non-baby-themed meet up as soon as possible.

You’ve obviously never been through it yourself then or you’d have a bit more empathy.

Just the words ‘baby shower’ make me cringe. Such a naff and unnecessary thing. Any gifts should come after the baby is safely delivered not before. I think people should always be allowed to dip out of these made up nonsense events whether they have a good reason (like your friend) or not.

She's been honest with you. I'd respect that and be as supportive as I can of her struggle.

Well good for you. Have you had to personally deal with infertility? I can tell you it is shit and sometimes you just don't feel like putting on that super happy smile for other people's benefit when you are in the darkest of dark holes.

Not attending doesn't spoil anyone else's happiness. You don't sound very empathetic.

It's an invitation, not a summons. Valid choice to decline and she doesn't even need a reason not to go. I mean, baby showers are generally just a big gift grab and don't get me started on the games 😆

Please. Unless your finances keep dying it's really not fucking equivalent to multiple miscarriages and other forms of infertility which require horrible medical interventions, namely pills which destroy your hormones and turn you into a crying mess.

And if they do keep dying, no one expects you to smile and go to the weddings straight away!

You can get a boyfriend untill the day you die. The clock is ticking for how long you can have a baby.