Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

Unless you've walked in those shoes I don't think you have any ability to make a comment..

I struggled with interacting with pregnant friends when miscarrying - I can't imagine what it's like if becoming pregnant requires super human effort and strength. We all deal with stuff differently - I couldn't comment.

Baby showers have been in this country for decades. They're "made up" as much as literally any celebration. Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays. They're the only celebration that celebrates a new human once in their and their parents' lives. Why is that less important that a wedding? Is it really because Americans did it first? Well they're certainly not the only culture to celebrate new babies so get the fuck over yourself.

The thing about infertility is that you don’t know if it will ever be your turn. Have some compassion.

I had fertility issues trying for my two dc, and I can tell you it is physically painful when you hear about friends getting pregnant while you’re in this headspace, especially if it seems to happen really easily for them. She might be taking fertility drugs, doing IVF, having multiple miscarriages…it’s all very private stuff, you probably don’t know the half of it. The only friends I knew who understood were those who had also been through IVF. No-one else came close to understanding, and the comments people make don’t help, even if it’s well intentioned. It is really really hard OP, so I 100% understand her not wanting to go to all the baby showers with all that delight and the congratulations and the excitement. She may well be feeling desperate, and depressed, and inadequate, and she may be pumped full of artificial hormones and finding it hard to control her emotions.

I would be understanding, say you’re so sorry she feels she can’t come, offer her support if she needs it, and then leave it alone.

You cannot compare going to weddings alone to the struggle of infertility.

Take the word of your friend - its too hard- and count your blessings that you aren't in her position because you will never understand, so just be a good friend and support her by, at the very least not judging her.

Believe me, its not "a shame she is missing other peoples celebrations" (that's your friends making it about them), it's a gut punch reminder that she may never have the life she wants that may at times leave her feeling suicidal.

She’s not stopping anyone being happy. Quite the reverse, she’s staying away so she doesn’t cast a cloud over proceedings.

I feel for her, and if she needs to stay away to protect her own mental fragility, then that's the right decision for her. She should be supported for this.

As for baby showers, well, I find them very distasteful, showering gifts for a baby that hasn't yet been born safely.

Anyone who's commented here in a negative way about the OP's friend for 'refusing' FFS - ought to be ashamed of themselves. She's obviously upset/beating herself up/thinking theres something wrong with her while everyone else is just popping out kids has no empathy at all.

Thankfully we had no fertility issues - 15yrs on the pill, off for 4weeks and bang DS1- and likewise 2years later- DS2

People who cannot understand the mental anguish of fertility issues when all around them are popping out kids like peas (and after ONS's etc - no judgement) are seriously lacking in empathy.

Maybe she thinks baby showers are naff, so uses it as a reason not to attend.

100% agree. When ours boys were born we were continually asked after the scans - and we were older - 1st DS was born at 36yo - geriatric if I recall back in 2006! Let alone DS2 in 2008 - we just wanted to know that he/she was going to be OK with the right number of fingers and toes.

The medics/professionals just wanted to prod and poke with VERY long needed to run tests for Downs syndrome and other defects which seriously added to the stress and agro.

Our midwife was questioning about family health etc (as you'd expect) and when DH spoke up and asked why wasnt he being questioned about his family health etc her respose was "Well, we don't really know you are the father so what is the point?"

That put us in our place and we'll never forget it.

Years ago I went to a wedding soon after I split from my partner (someone whom I thought would become my husband), and I was seated at the dreaded singles table. It made me feel like the tragic looser, lucky I was seated with some nice people, otherwise it would have been an utterly miserable day.

Being infertile is not a choice.

Not the same as dating crappy people.

Triggering? A baby shower really? Are you genuinely serious?

She can still be happy about other people being happy without wanting to sit through games about a growing bump and dirty nappies etc

When my baby shower invites were sent out I messaged two friends going through this saying I totally understand if they would find it hard and there was no pressure my end to come if so, one did and one didn't (but still came to visit me and baby after birth).

Invites aren't summons as mums net says!

Yeah they are , I'm planning a hen do solo now and not enjoying it tbh but I agreeed in the moment so am sticking to my word!

Not smug or grabby if planned by the mum to be's friends. They just want to celebrate her. Maybe naff but depends if you care or not!

You’ve obviously never experienced infertility if you think people are sensitive about it 🙄. They really aren’t. I was subjected to awful behaviour from friends, colleagues and family when going through it. Stupid thoughtless comments, insensitive presents, eye rolling, etc etc. If you haven’t lived it you don’t get it.

'Made up nonsense events'

That's such a strange thing to say, it's a cultural norm now or at least very common nowadays. Aren't all celebrations and cultural rituals 'made up' by humans? This is just a more modern one that you obviously didn't have when you and your friends were younger /having kids - doesn't mean other people shouldn't do it.

It's a lovely and sensible time to give gifts - lots of expensive things are needed before baby arrives just before one parent will lose a chunk of salary, they are more helpful and important that wedding gift lists (when most people marry after building a home and already have their household stuff) and lots of people don't get married of have christenings now, so these baby showers have kind of filled the gap as lots of people do want to celebrate their friends and family at mile stones.

I hope divorce parties/trips take off with the same energy as hen dos - this is the time of life when a woman really does need a spa break or city break with her besties!

See the comment I just made about this - I agree with you

Shes not preventing anyone from being happy?

Attending will likely cause distress to her and awkwardness for everyone else.

What an insensitive remark.

I can't imagine something worse than a baby shower in the circumstances she finds herself in.

And to the people talking about weddings, anniversary parties etc what a crass unempathetic comparison. You can't possibly compare them.

I would respect her decision.

I would probably have declined the baby shower invite anyway, even using a poor excuse. Baby showers are one of those events that should be consigned to history.

I refuse to go to baby showers as well. My only excuse is that I think they are ridiculous, gift grabbing CFuckery. Don't say that though, just "Sorry, I can't come".

Same. They are a completely made up thing. If you want to have one that's fine, but equally if people don't want to come that is fine too. They shouldn't need to give a reason.

Why can't you compare them? Someone who wants to have a partner and be married is suffering in the same way as someone who wants a baby but can't conceive. They both feel that something important is missing from their lives and they can't change that.