Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

I’m of a similar age and there is no way I would go to a baby shower. I can’t have kids and frankly it’s too hard. I have distanced myself from all my friends with young kids and will do the same with my siblings when they have children. My own mental well-being is more important.

Lots of lovely empathetic responses here that put things better than I could. It's completely fine not to attend something you'll find painful - which, yes, extends to weddings, parents' anniversaries, literally anything like a party where it's not going to be ruined by you being absent.

Baby showers are not the only time this new person will be celebrated and they're often very baby/pregnancy themed - someone might find it too painful to go and listen to everyone sharing birth stories or baby tips, but be happy to turn up to their 1st birthday party. Don't assume because someone can't go to the baby shower that they aren't happy for the mum to be or that they don't think the baby is worth celebrating.

You seem to be failing to grasp the very simple point I’m making. I agree (and have done from my first post) emotionally it is likely very similar, physically it is world’s apart. So a man does not “go through” ivf in the same way a woman does. To point this out is not belittling. Generally the extent of the male physical process is to ejaculate in a cup. To say so is not belittling. It is stating fact. If you or your husband (I note the poster I took issue with hasn’t come back) feels belittled that is an issue with how you feel about immutable facts and your problem.

And yet to that individual person, either can get equally devastating. In an important way, I do agree with you- I agree that, objectively, being unable to conceive is far worse than being single and can be insoluble and devastating. I'm merely pointing out that for the person who desperately wants a partner but feels that it will never happen for them, they feel equally hopeless. That may not be true, but it FEELS true to them at the time.

I don’t think you fully understand the devastation of not being able to have children by again comparing this to not having a boyfriend. I don’t agree with your logic but that’s fine, you are entitled to your own opinion.

I don't think you understand my argument. I'm NOT saying that the two things are equally devastating. I've said that objectively being unable to conceive is far worse. I've stated this very clearly and yet you seem determined not to understand what I'm saying. I don't know why but if you're unwilling to see what I'm saying, I can't help you.

I still don’t get why people are comparing different life difficulties. It doesn’t matter what people think is worse than others, if a person thinks that an event would cause them emotional harm in any way then of course it’s fine not to go and a good friend would understand that.

I don’t want your help thanks, I never asked for it. Never asked you to reply to my comment. I fully understand what you are saying, just don’t agree with it. You first reply clearly stated both situations can be compared and that I will not accept.

im happy for you that you don’t understand why.. but thats a horrible comment

It’s not just American.. we have loads of Nigerian and Kenyan friends, South African friends, it’s a big deal in their culture too..

I understand why she has decided to do that and I think you should support her with it.

Fertility struggles can be all consuming and so so tough. I do think it's very sad when people end up losing friends over it though. One of my best friends pulled away massively when I fell pregnant a few years ago, didn't attend anything I was at while I was pregnant and I totally understood why and tried my best to be respectful of her needs. But it drifted so far and went on for so long that we no longer really keep in touch bar the odd message. She's found some new friends who are going through a similar situation and I'm really glad she has them to lean on, but I do really miss her and I'm really sad that our friendship hasn't really survived it all. She's lost touch with everyone in our friend group and it just seems so isolating. It's such a brutal thing to have to go through. Please be there for her as much as you can.

I actually do understand her decision not to attend the baby shower but you’ve made a fair point re. Singleness.

I’d say then that people need to be kinder to both camps then and understand why they can’t show up to certain events .

otoh it is a slippery slope though I guess. I had a book launch and I’m not sure how I’d have felt if my writer friends who hadn’t yet got a book deal decided not to attend

I think it’s a fair decision for her to make. Sounds like she’s not making a fuss or a big deal of it just politely declining the invite. The idea of going and all the chat about babies, pregnancy and oh and it will be you next! Etc is not easy and putting yourself in a situation where you know know might feel uncomfortable or get upset which would then run the risk of making someone else’s occasion about you. I’m sure when the babies arrive she will be in touch with the new mums and visit but at this point it’s all about the new baby and can be more 121 than a group social occasion.

I agree. One of the last times I went to a big event ( a friends milestone birthday ) it was so weird being the only single there. I’d
never noticed it before, but I felt it was easier for the couples to socialise with other couples and a couple of them seemed a bit awkward with me.

I decided I probably wouldn’t attend any such events for the foreseeable future. But this is after more than a decade of showing up to nearly every baby shower, wedding, engagement party , friends kids birthday party etc. I feel I’ve paid my dues 😌

@cherrycola66 have you ever been through an infertility battle? If you haven’t, shut up you don’t know what you’re talking about!

Re all the comments about being single, don’t forget that if you are single and cannot find your life partner, you are also concerned and possibly upset about the prospect of not having a child, many of my friends are in this boat and they desperately want to become a mum but haven’t met the right person!

Another good point @thismummyslife

Baby showers are naff at the best of times. As are engagement parties. It’s like having a pre birthday party party. Just have the have the baby or wedding and celebrate after. It’s a way for people to get gifts and gloat.

i did have fertility issue but luckily ivf worked 1st time so the pain wasn’t so prolonged. I would probably have not wanted to go to several baby showers of my peers.

That’s fair, JHound. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.