Friend refusing to go to baby showers as it's triggering

[MyWorthyGreenScroller]

It's not my own, but have a couple of baby showers in the friendship group coming up.
We're mid 30s and most of us have kids, I don't yet. I know this other friend is struggling with fertility and I really feel for her, I know how much she wants to be a Mum.
So she's refused these 2 invitations telling the friends she's busy, but then admitted to another friend she's refusing to attend any baby showers from now on as it's too hard.

What would you think of this? It's her choice I know, anything we could do to support her? Like on one hand it's a shame she's missing friend's celebrations, but I can understand how much she wants to be a parent.

Do you not understand that it is possible to be happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time? And quite frankly, if someone doesn’t get why a friend struggling with infertility might prefer not to attend their baby shower,they are the unpleasant, mean spirited one.

@EggnogNoggin I understand what you're saying and can see that it's deeply affected you. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time and it's obvious that, for you, having a baby was the most important thing in the world. However, that's not the same for everyone. Not everyone wants a partner. Not everyone wants a baby. For some people, either might feel like a desperate need, for others it could be a mild want and for others a definite dislike! There are people who would desperately feel the need to find a partner and despair that they couldn't, no matter how many years they've got. For some, that need could far outweigh their desire to have a child. Obviously, the opposite was true for you. Everyone is different.

All of the whataboutery on this thread is really strange to me. Presumably the hypothetical people invited in these hypothetical scenarios are your friends. I can't think of a single event in my life where I would expect any of my friends to prioritise me over their own feelings and MH. I don't care if it's a baby shower, wedding, house warming, parents anniversary or any other tenuous example given, if attending is going to be something they have to put on a brave face and "get through" then I don't want them to do that to themselves, especially if they are going to struggle.

I could imagine the MN posts where a visibly quiet person struggling with infertility at a baby shower was labelled as attention seeking, making it about her and "should have stayed away if she couldn't be happy for you".

The poor woman can't win.

I'm also sorry that the friend she turned to for support has opted to gossip rather than be there for her

I'd do the same in her shoes. Showers are awful anyway.

Totally her choice. Baby showers aren't an essential thing, just a casual get together imo. When I was going through multiple miscarriages I'd have politely declined too. For some reason I found pregnancy difficult to deal with but no issue when the baby arrived so she may be fine with meeting baby or similar (or she may not be).

I disagree that it shows an unpleasant aspect to someone's character. What would make someone unpleasant is if they went and were resentful, or said mean, catty things about the party, gifts or friend out of jealousy, or got drunk and upset and made it about them or made others feel bad.

Knowing your limits and not going to an event that is likely to cause you to feel crap and potentially affect others having a nice time shows self awareness and consideration. You can be happy for someone else and sad for yourself at the same time.

I know it's not exactly the same, but when I went for a promotion into my current role at work, another colleague in my team went for it at the same time and I know was bitterly disappointed to lose out. My team took me for a celebratory drink after our away day, to which I absolutely didn't expect that colleague to come (although she was welcome), and she didn't. Others might see that as churlish, but I felt she was being sensible to protect herself and wouldn't have wanted for the world for her to force herself and be miserable. Not everyone is able to suck up their own feelings and put on a happy face all of the time, and it's much more honest to acknowledge it if you can't.

Baby showers are so tacky and grabby. How many more celebrations centred around you could you possibly want? Nobody really cares that you are procreating other than you, your partner and possibly the baby's grandparents and it is egotistical to expect otherwise. It is so classless to expect two sets of presents, one before the baby is due and the inevitable mound of presents and cards that will build after the baby is born.

Have you ever suffered with infertility?

I support her decision. Her priority is her mental health. I have a friend who similarly avoids baby showers and came off social media to not see pregnancy announcements / weddings / engagements.

I would actually side eye anybody who DID have an issue with it.

I can see that you have been berated by this poster later in the thread, and I want you to know that I completely agree with you. I’m not going to address their later post, as I’ll just get a load of shit flung at me (probably will anyway). But I feel my DH’s IVF journey was no less than mine, regardless of who got prodded and poked.

You appear to be unpleasant.

It would be different if she was trying to stop others celebrating but she is not.

You’re wrong but that’s ok.

Incidentally nowhere does it say she is unhappy for her friends. You can be happy for other’s news while recognising that news triggers pain in you.

What makes you think she is not happy for others

Same! I got invited to one at work last week, "I just said, sorry, I don't do baby showers". Everyone seemed to accept it without any offence.
I'm generally a nice person (honestly!) and I'm the first to help new mums when the baby arrives but baby showers? Nah!

The one mistake your friend made was telling yje truth. She should have continued to decline invites and just say she had other plans.

I think it’s fair - the risk with trying to swallow her feelings and go anyway is that she ends up getting upset and ruining it for the mum to be. She’s trying to avoid this as well as the inevitable ugly cry to her husband when she gets home. It’s good she is being honest, people will understand that - saying you are busy too often will lead people to think you are trying to separate from the friendship or being off with them. Your friend should send a gift, though.

I am surprised this even needs a AIBU discussion.

Yeah I wish the Yanks had kept this stupid tradition on their side of the pond! I also find most of them incredibly sexist too.

Let her be- it’s devastating when everyone around you seems to be pregnant and it’s totally out of reach for you. And on a side note, baby showers are bollox so…..

Yes I was single for a long time and v v unhappy about it

Still managed to go to weddings, although did find them v difficult

I think people are more inclined to protect themselves now. On the fence as to whether that's helpful or not

This.

It's a pre baby party, a show. Not essential, and if it helps her cope with her fertility struggles by not going then good choice for her.

I hope people will understand her choice and not question why she is 'missing out' (debatable) on a party.

Totally!

People are rightly compassionate about infertility

Single people, who arguably have it even worse, being childless AND no husband / partner, are treated v differently

Completely different, you can’t compare this to struggling with fertility.

Please support her in not going. Hopefully her friends will read between the lines and understand. She probably doesn't want to spoil the events by being tearful.