SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

Was it "formal" in the first place, as in court ordered?
If not, what difference does it make if it's formal?

Maintenance should be adjusted based on what is actually happening,
Maintenance might be due from her if he is with you the majority of the time.

If benefits are being claimed by her eg DLA/child benefit, then that would need to be adjusted too.

But again, whether "formalised" or not I would tot up amount of days over the last 6 months and adjust accordingly,

At present, nobody pays maintenance as their divorce agreement states that custody would be split 50/50 and both parents would self fund that, with no liability for maintenance.

It says that because my partner (and now both of us) work, and she’s fully funded by parents, so they decided at the time that was fairest.

DLA and CM split even currently.

I do think it may be best to reapproach it all and court order whatever it is we arrive at.

Yes perhaps, it might not be necessary though if they agree?

It must be difficult to know whether it's a temporary thing where she's having a period of not being able to cope, or this is going to be it for you.

Of course court orders can never make people see or care for their children, only gives them the right to.

Perhaps if it's going to fluctuate you might just need to review the money side of things regularly.

You've not really included this aspect in your post but it must be difficult (a) having a child with high needs living with you more than you expected and (b) the uncertainty of the arrangements, not least for the child themselves 😞

It is difficult. At the moment the “not tomorrow either/not yet” is coming in the form of daily updates. There is no concrete plan.

It’s also difficult living in the uncertainty with a child who doesn’t understand and craves routine. He does ask for her, and we lie to him about why she’s not around.

More than anything, I think it is genuinely devastating that there’s a disabled little boy who doesn’t understand why his mother can’t or won’t see him.

Oh poor you and the poor child, OP. I don’t have any good advice but this can’t go on for any of you. Not knowing from one day to the next what’s happening? That’s not fair

With the summer holidays coming up in 6 weeks (if you are in England ), I’d be wanting clarity too and assuming that she won’t want 50% if she’s struggling now.

5 times in May so roughly once a week. If she’s amenable then I’d be suggesting something based on that routine so you don’t have to hassle her or risk letting down your stepson.

You only need to go to court for a formal review of the CAO if she disagrees. But I would gently say that if things are going to change then you’d want to start claiming CM and have the CB or whatever will help.

How do you think she would be if your partner kind of took charge and said look we know your really struggling how about we have DC full time until say the end of the summer term and you have him 1 night per week during that timeframe.
That way you guys know where you stand and can make necessary arrangements. DC knows what is happening and feels a bit more settled and it also completely takes the pressure off DCs mum for now. It also gives her a way of accepting the help without having to ask for it. If she spontaneously feels up to having DC for a few hours/ day during that timeframe you can be a little bit flexible but without it having a big impact on DC.

Unfortunately - it was a few days at the start, and then once more at the end.

There was a 16 day period in the middle with no contact at all, and following that she’s had him once.

Half term (last week) was supposed to be even split - wasn’t. Our assumption is that over the 6 weeks, it’ll be even worse.

Unsure, in all honesty. At the moment her approach is that she wishes she could have him, but can’t for.. reasons.

My concern would be that him leading would be “he’s taken my son.”

I think it's not unreasonable to want clarity, both for yourselves but especially for the little boy. He has autism which means he most likely needs routine and structure in his life to thrive.

Would it be possible for mum and dad to have a sit down and talk about what's in his best interests going forward? Your DH could propose that his son lives with you full time and has regular reliable visitation with his mum. Only you can say if you think she may be agreeable to this - if he can phrase it non judgementally but emphasise that the uncertainty is detrimental to their son's wellbeing. I think that's the approach I would take first before seeking a formal change in the court order.

Yes, that’s absolutely it. There’s been an impact at home obviously, but school have seen an increase in his anxiety and behaviour. It’s very difficult for everyone, but certainly more so for him.

We’ve got an upcoming social care meeting, and it will come up then because it’ll have to. They ask how he’s been the last month - at which point my DP will have to say he’s been with us most of it. We’re hoping that can lead into a sensible conversation about how things can be managed, because at the moment I’ll be honest the conversations that do happen are quite heated.

Do either of his parents actually want him full time . I think that’s the starting point .

I don’t think anyone should be walking away from their kid. Mothers included.

We would absolutely take him full time, with support from the council probably, but as long as we’re able to keep him safe and meet his needs, we’d have him with us for the rest of his life. We’d just prefer not to because he deserves a mother.

How much does he understand,?
Is,he at a special school,?maybe you could do a social story with him about why he's not seeing his mum much at the moment school could help with this

My concern would be that him leading would be “he’s taken my son.”

Deadbeat parents say this to justify their situation regularly. You and your h know the truth and a lot of people know that most parents get 50% if they want it.

My kids would want the routine too. They don’t have SEN but it’s a general security thing of knowing what day they are seeing the other parent- even if it’s very little. I think it’s very reasonable to push for her to make some time even if it’s very infrequent so the child knows and you can make future plans with him without mum wanting him last minute.

On some level she must be bored of being hassled to give a date for the next contact unless things are acrimonious and she gets a kick out out of it.

If you get a Child Arrangement Order, she can still not turn up without any legal consequences as obviously courts can’t force her to see her son.

He understands very little, sadly.

We know he misses her because he has certain rote learned phrases he says about her, and they’re gradually increasing.

We could try a social story, but at the moment I don’t know what we’d say in it.

Totally agree. At the moment it’s more likely she’d cancel access than ask for it.

We had a weekend away booked last weekend that we cancelled as she decided she didn’t want him over the weekend anymore.

I think she probably is bored of us asking, but nothing at the moment suggests any pressure to see him is having any impact. Even telling her that he’s struggling with it doesn’t seem to “land.”

Poor little boy. Can I just say you sound amazing and so reasonable, and he’s very lucky to have you.

I wondered if the mum’s family are in the picture? Maybe they could help so she could get used to having her son every other weekend, without the pressure of having to manage his behaviour all alone?

Thank you, that’s really kind.

Unfortunately her family aren’t interested either, we’ve tried that avenue both with her and directly. They have him for 2/3hrs once every few weeks, and always supervised.

I actually think the whole group will eventually back away.

I think in this you need to consider the best interests of your step-son. It may not currently be in his best interests to go to court to change the contact arrangements if his mother is currently having a hard time emotionally and mentally and with more support contact could be re-initiated and built up again. He clearly misses her and going to court might push her further away.

If his mother is not coping with his behaviour and it is impacting her mental health it seems sensible to give her a period of respite, but she needs to be communicating with you and seeking some help for herself with a plan for moving forward with contact. Maybe some supervised contact time between them might be safer and allow him to see her without being scared she will be attacked by him without anyone there to support her.

You might not have seen the extent of his behaviour as she may be the main focus for him expressing his frustrations, more commonly this does seem to end up directed at the mother. Also with two adults you may be able to distract and re-direct any escalations if it is focused on one of you.

It can be truly exhausting dealing with this level of violence and behaviour day in day out. Try to work together on this if you can because as he gets older it will likely take all of you to meet his needs.

Watch these documentaries to understand a bit more about how this can impact families.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

I am a single parent to 2 high needs SEN children one in a specialist school, one at alternative provision awaiting a specialist school.

It is incredibly difficult, as you probably know, a constant uphill battle. With regards to the behaviour being worse with his mum, SEN children often have a parent figure that experiences more extreme behaviour. Also, by the sounds of it, she is on her own with family that aren't very helpful with SEN whilst when he is with you he has 2 parental figures which does help.

Last year I was nearly successful in ending my life due to mental health conditions and struggling on my own with the children. When we lived with my mum for a while afterwards it was "easier" in a way because I wasn't carrying everything on my own, I had support and someone to sound off to.

With regards to what to do now.

Forcing the issue with mum right now isn't likely to get you anywhere, either because she's not sure if she wants him, guilt at feeling this way, guilt that actually she feels better and happier not having him full time, seeing him might make her feel more guilty. She might feel he could be more confused.

Obviously the little boy is in the middle of this and with a lack of understanding will be extremely confused.

His Dad can be assertive without being controlling. Suggest that they agree to one day a week officially for her to have him, eg a weds, and that if she can't for any reason then she's to let him know by x time on x day. This should mean you can do social stories for the child daily, school will help with this. Have breakfast, go to school, come to daddies. Etc. On the Wednesday, or whatever day, present that as "visiting people day" so if mum does agree, he can see mum, if she doesnt, you visit someone else, a friend, different family member, going to the park and saying hello to a different child. That way he won't explicitly know she's letting him down.

Now whilst this goes on, keep a diary, a specific diary just for mum. If you can use text messages etc to fill this further back for the last month or so then that's great. It doesn't need to be a full diary, just a "mum didn't message today" "mum declined a visit with son and gave the reason of xxx"

This will let you see any patterns, be used to paint a factual picture with social services and can also be used as evidence if needed at anytime in the future for any benefit claim/court applications. It is more helpful for court if the situation has been on going for a period of time. If its just a month or 2 it can be seen as temporary.

It's a really tricky situation, and difficult all round. Do you know what is available support wise in your area for disabled children? Do you know much about the education side of things for disabled children. As I'm sure some of us could point you in the right direction. Services aren't very forthcoming and you often have to chase. They won't tell you the service exists if you don't already know.

I think you're doing great, you're obviously caring and really wanting the best for your stepson

I think dh should calmly ask preferably by email or text if she would like to formally change arrangements from 50:50 to perhaps every other weekend and one day during the week (like a wednesday), just to enable sort summer holiday arrangements etc

Thank you, to those who have responded.

I absolutely agree on the points of fear, and difference in behaviour. I absolutely believe that his behaviour is different at mums - he has less boundaries there. This isn’t a dig, in absolutely any way - he’s a very physical boy and without the benefit of male presence or already firm boundaries, they are very hard to uphold.

She has to give in quicker, for both of their safety, and so he either rules the roost or lashes out at her. It’s very difficult for her to instil those things now, and very difficult to move forward.

Where I struggle, on a personal and professional level - is that she’s not doing the things that have been suggested. She won’t engage with CAMHS, or attend the courses offered, or email Short Breaks back about the PA hours she has been given.

(I say professional because I come from a SENd teaching background, and then worked with my LA as an intervention coordinator. I now work within specialist education services)

It just feels like giving up, and I can’t wrap my head around how/why you’d give up on him, or how helpful avoiding the subject is to fixing it.

There seems to be alot of talk about things can be put in place to help with her son.... But has the angle of what can be done specifically for her MH been discussed? (Referral to CMHT or similar)

Yeah, our last LA meeting asked (and she’d been asked previously), if MH support was required and could they help organise it.

She said no, because she knows what her ‘problem’ is.