SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

They don't it goes to a panel who assess it and they do take into account family support etc.

I really get that. I have 2 DC with similar needs (although the one I described is most like your stepson) and even with DH it is HARD! Having 2-3 days off every 2-3 days is much more respite than we get (and we have 2 disabled DC). But, his mum's behaviour is really saying she cannot cope with this level of care, whether or not she gets 2-3 days off every few days. So is trying to 'build up' contact going to work? What happens when he's 12 and still hitting her? If she'd built back up, would it collapse again?

She must feel so lonely and exhausted. Imagine being in a house with no other adults, where you can't just remove yourself, being attacked by your child for 3 days before your next break. I mean, it's a common enough scenario but it must be fucking hard for her.

Yes, but the panel would hopefully take the whole situation into account, family support AND the possibility of breakdown of care arrangements.

We’ve said this, if we get through this period - I don’t think we’ll get through his teen years without some change to his living arrangements.

It’s hard for us too, we’re absolutely running on empty here. I was reading this thread at 3am. I’m working now and think I may be half dead.

That’s not a sympathy grab, I’d imagine it’s far harder when there isn’t two of us. My partner was just one person, but it was a long time ago and he was a different child.

Honestly - I don’t think building up will be successful, I think that in the long or short run she’ll either ask for us to take 100% or very heavily reduce contact.

What I currently can’t get round or get over is the emotional impact of that, and what that will mean for a little boy.

It’s hard for us too, we’re absolutely running on empty here. I was reading this thread at 3am. I’m working now and think I may be half dead.

there is two of you and you are not subjected to violence and you are saying it's too much. Can you not see how it may be too much for the mum?

Would it not be the best solution for the DC have him 100%?

Agree tbh.

I’ve repeatedly said that I can see how it’s too much for her. I’m not sure why people keep suggesting that I’m not aware or understanding of the difficulties she’s facing. What I’m hoping for is that we can find a way to make it not too much for her.

That would begin with engaging in the support that’s being offered.

It wouldn’t be the best solution to not have his biological mother, no. I don’t think that’s the best outcome for either of them.

Your solution seems to be pushing the child towards the mother with the help of extra support even though this doesn't appear to be working.

Sounds like neither parent wants to look after the child full time. Quite sad.

The support isn’t working because she’s not engaging in it. I understand that’s because of burn out and exhaustion, but that’s the fact of it.

And don’t speculate - we will take him full time, and whatever that involves will happen. Making this about either myself or my partner not doing enough is out of line, and wide of the truth.

We would both happily work with whoever we needed to, to continue to meet his needs as best we can, for as long as possible. I personally believe that he needs his mother, and whatever can be done to make that happen, should be happening. He does not deserve to lose a parent because he’s autistic.

'That would begin with engaging in the support that’s being offered'

• SHE referred herself to Social Services - a big step in actively looking for support.
• She attends meetings and advocates for her family by saying that certain steps haven't been put in place.
• She may not agree with the advice she's being given. In my professional and personal experience, some advice and 'interventions' from support services are contradictory, outdated or even harmful.

Crikey, she referred herself to social services for practical help and got given advisory support which her ex and ex's wife (who don't face the same violence / behaviours) are now trying to insist she 'engages with' whether she agrees or not. It's quite patronising and probably contributing to her unhappiness.

Unfortunately as a step parent you will always get a hard time on here and the mother will never be in the wrong .

Out of interest, what actually is the 'support' being offered?

Yeah I’ve gathered that, which is a shame really when what I’m actually saying is that she’s his mum and I want that for him.

PA hours for all of the day time access, so it would always be with support and supervised in case of any incidents.

Support from local charities to find other parents who can understand and provide emotional support. Groups etc.

Short breaks support from day activities where he would have support from the team there so she could get a few hours.

Supporting letters to engage MH support ASAP, to get therapy in place.

Behaviour management advice and training, from both CAMHs and other external bodies.

Physical handling and de-escalation training.

Working with us to organise scheduled and managed access.

Sleep services support. Financial wellbeing and benefit checks.

Parents have also offered to pay for even more support, or fund any of the above quicker and privately, including paying for overnight carers.

PA hours for all of the day time access, so it would always be with support and supervised in case of any incidents.

Jesus, supervised contact for all hours of the day? I couldn't think of anything worse.

So she would never be on her own with him ?
That's a lot of support paticularly when she only has him 50% of the time and respite us so limited
We get a day a week every school holiday in a special needs play scheme
5 hours every other Saturday in the same play scheme
And two over nights a month and il delighted with that as so many people get nothing.

That’s what she asked for - she doesn’t feel able to be alone with him and he doesn’t accept my partner there when she is, he escalates and tells him to leave. It makes it worse.

Funded by the LA she’d have between wake up and let’s say 9ish, and then bedtime. Parents have said they’d cover the rest.

It would be 8hrs per day of PA support to make her 2:1 instead of 1:1.

There was mention early on of getting support so she didn’t have to “give him up,” so they threw at least most of the book at it. We’ve just not opened the book yet.

Did something happen, that it got to crisis point
I'm only asking becsuse there are thousands of families up and down the country struggling with very complex needs children and next to no support and from my own experience even when respite is agreed
It can still take many months to access it due to long waiting lists.

I think it’s pretty clear you and your partner are going to end up caring for this child on a longer term basis as his mother just doesn't have the capacity to do it, which is very sad for all involved. I’d therefore be focusing on how you can ensure despite her not caring for her child full time he still gets to have a meaningful, consistent relationship with her through a routine and predictable contact arrangement.
I wonder if she is trying to communicate with her actions, without having to say it, that she doesn’t think she can have him back. If that’s the case and she hasn’t actually said she can’t have him back then it might be worth telling her you’re prepared to have him on a longer term basis and that you only want to make regular contact arrangements so they can still have a relationship.

Yeah, a few things. I can’t get into the specifics because it would be telling, but there were 3 incidents in very short succession which ended in physical harm.

One where she was injured, two where he was. One of those incidents could have ended very, very differently. He also went missing on a day out as he’d eloped.

That sparked the self referral, but the evidence around all those things and involvement from school meant that it escalated very quickly.

I agree. I think we’ve been trying to avoid that, genuinely not because we don’t want him but because we were hoping for different for both of them.

Ah right yes I csn understand that.

I think you’re completely unreasonable for saying that the child has needs but doesn’t act that severe when in your care. It’s statistically proven that children with additional needs unmask and may have behaviour issues due to their unmasking in the environments and around the people they are most comfortable around. My son is like that, he goes to his dads every weekend and whilst his needs are severe (he has autism and adhd), they are not to the extent where he hits and punches his dad like he does with me.

I feel for the child’s mum, to self refer to social services herself, she must be struggling. And it’s completely different being a single parent to a child with additional needs and having two parents there. You view it from your perspective where there are two of you and it’s really not the same at all.

i think you’re being a bit prompt, I think you should wait and allow her to get the help and settle before you start going back to court and having things in place to set a new arrangement. She’s obviously going through a lot, don’t add more stress to her

Completely understandable but I think you might find you make progress if you’re really frank with her and say you’d like him full time with her having as much access to him as she wants. Maybe once the pressure is off she can begin to spend time with him without being terrified she’ll have to have him back and will get back to where she was before.