SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

It sounds a very hard situation all around.
Trying to be empathetic to both sides, is DCs mum single and lacking support. She must have felt desperate to ask for support.

Being aware of families with severely autistic DC they can be more violent with one parent, does she perhaps feel unsafe alone?

Either way you all need a plan, whether short term or longer term and hope you can resolve this.

That sounds like a really hard situation.

I think that in your husband’s position I’d just move to an assumption that he is with you all of the time with access with mum.

So, if her seeing him on a Wednesday evening was convenient for you then I would text every Tuesday to say “would you like to have ds for dinner tomorrow? Pick up from school and drop back here at 7?” And I’d text in advance before every other weekend “Would you like ds this weekend? Pick up from school on Friday? Drop back here sun at 6 ?”

I think that either she’ll accept the new schedule and get into a routine or make suggestions for changes as you go. That feels a lot easier than backing her into a corner where she has to explain that she doesn’t want to see her own child.

You do sound very caring and it must be frustrating for you but if she's struggling with all of this would it be possible for you and your partner to attentd the meetings about CAMHs ,short breaks etc
I'm not excusing ,her I have a severely autistic teenager so I understand that meetings can be daunting
Your stepson comes first in all of this and if his mum can't engage would it be possible for you and your partner to take over and get the short breaks etc in place ?

Is she also claiming his disability benefits, reduction in council tax and anything else he’s entitled to..?

Time to formalise it OP. I would think carefully before you fall into this arrangement as a surrogate mother - I have a step DC with similar disabilities and it’s not an easy road. He likely is violent to her because she’s his “safe place” the primary carer usually gets it worst.

Sorry read more recent posts re benefits. I’d be cautious about saying you and DH are coping fine - social services do not need an excuse to step down and withdraw offers of support. If you’re likely to have him long term I would suggest following up any recommended respite etc.

We attend the LA and Social services meetings - I’m only in them because she told them I was an important adult and she wanted me involved, otherwise I obviously wouldn’t be and it would be his parents.

We do go to the CAMHs sessions but to be honest they’re largely about behaviour management, which we don’t need to the same level or in the same way so it’s just a waste of resource IMO.

It might be worth us taking over the short breaks, but we advised the LA we don’t want any of the hours and to allocate them all to her, to help support - so I’m not sure 1) if there’s any point if she’s not seeing him to use them, or 2) if we can set up a service we’re actively saying we won’t use?

That’s a good idea tbh, and would certainly save the regular back and forth that the moment gets nobody anywhere.

I’d like us to get to a point where she does want him, because I can’t imagine genuinely why someone wouldn’t want their own 8 year old - difficult or otherwise. But appreciate that’s likely a process now, rather than a given.

The thing that is difficult here is that it’s really really common for a parent to not want 50%, to be a bit flakey, to not be great at putting the kid first, to have loads of reasons for cancelling contact. In fact it’s so common that there’s a child in this situation in pretty much every class in every school. It’s just that it’s usually dads who are opting out rather than mums.
Sad, and upsetting, and difficult for ds but he will be ok whatever she chooses.

The hours are allocated to your stepson it should nt be specifically for her if she's only seeing him very part time, you need to see if he can still have short breaks etc when he's with you I'm only saying this as it gets harder the older they get and respite can ve very hard to come by .

I’m glad you’ve just pointed that out. I’ve got a shitty excuse for a father, and as much as there are complications and genuine difficulties in this case - that’s what my partner would be getting called if the roles were reversed.

No that’s a fair point thank you, I totally see what you mean.

When it was agreed at panel we said we didn’t want them, as we thought it would help her engage and give her some positive support. But where we are now, I’m not going to lie we could do with the break.

Could your husband do some days out with Mum and DS to help increase her confidence in caring for him? Or invite her to yours for a meal all together?

It sounds like she could be in parent carer burnout, which is understandable with a high needs child with VCB and being a single parent. I’d assume that’s why she’s not engaging - she’s just crashed out.
I agree with others to get into a more formal routine now, aiming for some consistency from her but acknowledging it may take time for her to engage properly.

Its normal for children to act out more with the parent that is their “safe space” - you seem to be assuming that its due to her parenting. But if you do take him on fulltime, be prepared for your home to become the “safe space” and for his behaviour to become more challenging.

It sounds to me like she is burnt out, maybe with more support and mental health support she can get back on track, but being a single parent to a child with challenging behaviour is very hard and I would guess she feels resentment that you and her ex are able to share the load together.

It’s honestly not a comment on her parenting at all - the situation they’re both in now is challenging, and the environment is full of anxiety and tension, from both. At points they fuel each other.

I also don’t think it’s a reflection of her parenting that he has less boundaries there. He’s a very difficult child to instil boundaries with and can escalate very quickly when he isn’t able to control a situation. There being two of us, and being able to change face etc, is a huge benefit because with two people it’s easier to be consistent and also easier to manage the fallout. It genuinely must be very difficult for her. She’ll be worn out and quicker to give in, out of exhaustion.

You’re right, there is resentment there that there are two of us. It is mentioned, but aside from giving her the second person in the form of a PA, I don’t know how we can help. We can’t find her a partner.

Tbf a week on and a week off was never going to work for an autistic kid. It was unfair on him to put him through it.

He needs a steady home.

I know you're trying your best but you have a very judgy tone to you. Its common for a parent who's doing it all on her own at her to burn out. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup when you're dealing with the challenges of a kid with SEN on your own.

Take him. Make it formal if you want. Plenty of men go for very part time without the whole 'i can't believe he doesn't want his own child's carry on.

He’s a very difficult child to instil boundaries with and can escalate very quickly when he isn’t able to control a situation

Sounds like PDA. Once he feels safe you'll probably see what his mother is talking about.

That wasn’t the arrangement.

The judgy tone is likely because there’s an 8 year old in my house who would like his mother.

I genuinely believe it’s best for him that we’re able to reach a point where that’s available. As I’ve said above, we will take him full time if needed, but I don’t want that to be a thing for his sake - he deserves both parents.

It does, because it is. He absolutely feels safe in our home and with his father.

His needs are managed differently by both of his parents, because of their different circumstances - which I have said make things more difficult for his mum.

Sounds to me like she has burn out. If he is violent and aggressive to her everyday it wears you down. Has SHE been offered therapy do you know?

Could you just tell her that you can have him for now and maybe she can come over and see him a couple of times a week? That might take the pressure off her as she has clearly found herself reaching breaking point. Also it means she won't be dealing with his aggression and violence whilst alone with him. I don't think it has to be formal yet, does it? Just give her time, she has been through a lot. Parents, particularly mothers, of autistic children can experience levels of stress and symptoms consistent with PTSD.

She could have undiagnosed needs of her own or it could be carer burn out.

It sounds like she needs a proper break.

You sound very judgemental.

Walk a mile in her shoes raising him alone for a few years and see how your mental health is after that perhaps?

She doesn't sound judgemental at all. She's given a pretty balanced,non judgemental assessment of why mum might have a harder time with the DSs behaviour .

I just wanted to point out, from mums point of view that something like a PA/short breaks is actually another thing for her to contend with. Its the planning, sorting, meeting and interviewing PA's, then its explaining to the child, its dealing with the child's anxiety, any change will likely exacerbate the behaviour she fears, then theres the fear that they won't cope with behaviour, what if child has a meltdown, runs off. So whilst you are absolutely right that she needs the hours, and she does, I'd suspect that what would be most helpful for her right now, would be for you and your partner to establish the PA and short breaks.

The other things like the classes, are you and your partner also doing them? The CAMHS you don't feel you need it, mum might feel that too. Are you using any strategies given from CAMHS?

When services are involved, even courses and classes they can feel too formal, and you can then feel like you're being criticised. Which wouldn't be very helpful to her right now. Could you suggest something much more informal, there's peer support workers, charities, even charity shops for SEN charities are very welcoming places, SEN coffee mornings, SEN Facebook groups. If its appropriate offer to go with her.

And please don't take this the wrong way, because I genuinely think you are trying so hard. But you need to put your professional knowledge to one side, and your strong feeling of "why would she give up on him". Because this isn't about what you know, or what you feel a mother should/shouldn't be doing/feeling. Its about this mother who is clearly struggling a lot and her needs its about this child and his needs. Its about how they feel, not what you think they should feel.

Also from a few things you've said, is there a possibility that the mother herself is autistic?

Maybe I’m projecting my own experience here, but I do feel you are setting a lot of store on “boundaries “. This is a child with limited understanding, I think it could benefit all of you to learn more about what drives violence and other challenging behaviour in young children. I used to be physically assaulted multiple times a day by my child. He never once hurt my husband. If I had a pound for every person who told me I shouldn’t “let” him …